I'm a snitch!

J Smiles, hired to perform an entire 60 minute comedy set on caregiving content feels slimy when the audience demands juicer jokes. Does telling the dirty truth about Zetty's dark ALZ  moments on stage make J a snitch?

In a flash protecting Z is at odds with performing. The responsibilities of caregiving often interrupt J's schedule but this is the first time her stage-life is at stake.

Join our favorite ALZ DUO on another magical ride and lean into J's signature SNUGGLE UP at the end offering provocative take aways.


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Transcript

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

alzheimer, gave, caregiving, stage, mom, real, smiles, audience, moment, jokes, laughing, life, people, professional, felt, personal, caregiver, bit, comedian, snitch

J Smiles:  00.01

I was winning. 

I hit the lottery. 

Like all the prayers got answered. All the meditation lined up. Everything in my body the sales were percolating properly. No migraine. I didn't even need to eat. J smiles was hired to do an all caregiving comedy set. These folks wanted to hear my story for an hour. I knew they were serious because they got me a first class plane ticket. Hello. 

 J Smiles:  00.36
I'm on stage. I'm doing my thing. Given them the laughs, then I'm looking around. I'm noticing they with me but they're not with me, with me. I’m like oh, these folks want the nitty gritty. 

 J Smiles:  00.54 

These are serious for real family caregivers, nurses, doctors, all kinds of medical personnel. So I put the mic down for a second. I looked at ‘em. I put the mic back up to my mouth. I said hold up. Y'all want the juicy juicy, huh? And they chuckled a little bit. And I say yeah, want me to get raw with y'all for real, for real? And they were like, yeah, and they started laughing. And I was so taken aback. I like stumbled backwards a little bit. Then I was like, okay, okay. All right. All right, you better be ready. 

 J Smiles:  01.39 

20 minutes later. I'm sweating. knee deep in Zeti isms. The audience is laughing hysterically. I get an electric current going through my spine. I'm like, oh, oh, Jay. You are telling very personal information. That you did not get the okay from your momma. Not that you really could. But girl for real? A little bit. You are a snitch right now. You are straight up snitching on your mom Mom. Parenting up™. Caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for the well-being of my mom for almost a decade. I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat. Spoiler alert, I started comedy because this stuff is heavy, be prepared for the jokes. 

J Smiles:  02:46

Caregiver newbies, OGs, Village members trying to prop up a caregiver. You are in the right place. 

Zetty: 02:57 

Hi, this is Zetty. I hope you enjoy my daughter’s podcast. Is that okay? 

J Smiles: 03:07

Today's episode. I'm a snitch.

J Smiles:  03:13

Okay, family, let me back up a little bit. The reason it's tricky for me is that Zetty has always been extraordinarily private. I mean, most people don't even know her real first name. Everyone knows her as Yvette smiley Smith. Yvette is not her first name, period end of story. My mother, when she was healthy, lead an extraordinarily successful professional life. She was a woman about town, her career, her civic duties. She had a high public visibility. But didn’t nobody know what she was doing in her personal life. Her Friendship Circle her spiritual life. People had no clue. My dad's life. On a personal level. Nobody had a clue. My grandparents. I was around people who did not gossip. They didn't tell it. 

J Smiles:  04:26  

I'm not trying to say that no gossiping happened about them. But it never made it to the kitchen table. You know what I mean? I don't know if somebody was doing some in discretionary behavior. But no woman or man made it back to the house to knock on the door or leave a note in the car window, starting some stuff. 

J Smiles:  04:58

It was a tight ship. So to talk about what now is happening with my mom's personal care got tricky to me in the moment. But it was all so phenomenal because of how organically it occurred. These clients genuinely wanted to know, a humorous side of caregiving. And I was like, okay, alright, I'm gonna write these jokes. But then when I get out there on stage, it was the first time I had such a well-heeled, medically prepared, professional and lay audience that they were like, girl, you better get that elementary ass jokes outta here. And I was like oh, snap. So, luckily, . You're about to get that. Elementary asked jokes out of here. And I was like, Oh, snap. So luckily, I’m a professional, and I was quick enough on my feet. Thank you universe, that I pull some stuff out of my butt. But they were true Zetty stories. And whoa, before I knew it, I was like, Yo, this is like, not edited. And I really wonder what Zetty would think. If she were in the audience, if she could weigh in on it. Now, something else I got to tell you about my mom. Zetty is highly competitive. She believes in do what you have to do to win. Don't lose. If you are in public. If you are turning in a paper, if you are trying to get to the airport, if you are playing Monopoly, don't cheat. Do use all the exceptions at your disposal. Not just the rules that he believed in every exception written or implied. All of those are available.

J Smiles:  07:32

I think the client really kinda loosen me up, you know, like when you on a date? And you're like, how did I end up giving it up so quickly? If you met tonight? Maybe share yourself intimately so quickly. Or if you didn't mean to spend as much money as you did you like you know what I'm keeping this date to $50. And all of a sudden you spent $250. Or if you thought I'm only going to hold hands, and all of a sudden you kissing, either way, things were going very well. And you just got real comfortable and eased into doing a little more than you thought. And that's how this client got me, y'all. They treated me so well with that first class ticket and those free drinks in that cushy row in that hotel room, and room service, and then the black car with the driver, what your girl was like, yeah, uh huh. Well, I wasn't rushing. I didn't feel harried. I felt seen and appreciated, valued and worthy. The green room had all my snacks, they really paid attention to my writer, okay. In the world of entertainment, the writer is another whole part of your contract that says, you got to do all these little extra things, please, so that I can perform well. I like unsalted almonds and a sugar free. Red Bull, for instance, are two pretty standard things that I need before I performed. They had all of that plus a few other things. The green room was well appointed. I’m like you know, so I was like they burned me up. 

 J Smiles:  09:50

So then when I'm on the stage and they were like yeah, give us more who you know. Like, right before I know it, I'm lifting up pants leg a little bit and I'm letting them see my ankles. You know what I'm saying? When I got that electric current going through my spine, I had to make a decision. Do I reel it in and try to smoothly get back to the original set? Or do I stay down the purple brick road of wherever Alzheimer's isms might take me. And I didn’t know. But there's no way to ask the audience because of course, they're going to say, give us the grime and give us the dirt. But they don't know how much I'm committed to protecting my mother. Protecting her essence. Her dignity, her spirit, her legacy. She doesn't know this. And I don't know when she gets her wings, if she'll ever know, who knows what happens when you die. But this is something I signed up for when I became her full-time caregiver, protect Zetty, fully, at all costs. So I'm standing there sweating. For any of you who've seen me when I get on a riff on stage, the sweat pours, and the makeup, you know, it kind of moves like lava or a banana split that's starting to melt. I had a split second to make the decision. A few things helped me in moments like that. I'm a huge sports fan. 

J Smiles:  12:12

Jim Brown, the incomparable running back in the National Football League says he got up slowly. Every time after a tackle. He did not want the defense to know if he was hurt. That was his mental game. Coach Nick Saban with the Alabama Crimson Tide in college football keeps the same look on his face. And the same cadence and pace of walk on the sideline. Whether his team is winning or losing. He doesn't show emotion. He doesn't want his players to get too high or too low. And he doesn't want the opposition to know when he's on edge. Zetty was an expert witness. Which means she's got on the stand in court and talked a bunch of fancy words around financial numbers with hundreds of millions of dollars on the line. And she never broke a smile. Just smile through it all. Whether they were dogging her and attacking her in a very caustic, adversarial way. Or whether it was her attorney that was being very calm. I use those types of memories to adjust on the fly in moments when I'm like oh hell, what am I supposed to do? Okay, first thing is don't act like you're unsure of what you're going to do or say next. J smiles. Keep it calm. Keep it cool. Like zetty, Like Nick, like Jim. I leaned in. I leaned into the laughter, I'm a professional. I was hired to tell jokes to make them laugh. I started down a path. I knew what I was doing. And I know that pound for pound my gut and my soul will lead me in the right direction as it relates to my mom. In the moment, I trusted that the universe and the Holy Spirit would not put in the forefront of my consciousness, any of the most demeaning memories or moments that will leave me tongue tied on stage. And then I went into overdrive. I've been preparing for this for years. I watched Zetty pour everything into her craft. Work ethic is real serious in my lineage. I mean, Zetty taught me to shoot for the moon. Because even if you miss at least you will be amongst the stars. I don't know if she knew that that would mean I was also going to be shooting her in the foot. admitting that now I'm trying to potty train her. She’s lost all her damn teeth. And she kind of talks to dead people. 

J Smiles:  16:20

I started rolling off the dome so quickly. I share bits and pieces, snap, crackle pop, way more than I've ever done on social media. More than I've shared with friends and family. It was hot. I was coming in hot. And they loved it. The more they loved it, the more I gave them. I got lost in the moment. For a performer losing track of your body is the goal. And that audience gave me such a moment. I’m not huge on gospel songs. And by not huge, I mean, I love the feeling I get when I'm listening to them. But I'm not great at the right title. But there's a song where the refrain goes, if I can help someone along the way, then my living isn't in vain. Or ain’t in vain or wasn't in vain. Something like that. 

J Smiles: 17:42

That hymm was major for Zetty. Toward the end of that set, I felt that song in my heart. And it gave me further energy and credibility within. That spark felt like universe, Zetty, angels something telling me? You’re doing all right, Jay. This entire wiki noodle whirly doodle that you've done on stage is okay. It gave me a comforting jolt of adrenaline. To finish up the set. The way the audience was crying and laughing and hitting on the table. I was like wow, in this moment right now. I am helping someone along the way. And far be it for me to hold back private moments of my mom's life and journey with Alzheimer's when it can help 5,6,8, 800 people and then whoever they may recount this joke to how can I get in the way of what the Spirit is asking me to do?

Smiles:  19:34

That standing ovation gave me chills, and Zetty would have been proud of that. I mean, I didn't share her social security number. At least there's that. So snitches might get stitches, but they also get standing ovations.  

Smiles:  19:59

Do you have a comment about today's episode? Is there a topic that I've never covered that you want me to handle in a future episode? Cool, text a Purple Heart to 1-404-737-1449. Again, plus 1-404-737-1449. Of course, I'm gonna put that in the show notes

J Smiles:  20:33

The snuggle up™. Number one. Sharing really is caring. If there's information about your Elos, journey, sensitive, private, perhaps demeaning, embarrassing. But if it can help improve the life of another, consider sharing it. It's personal. We all get there. In our own time. I'm a comedian, I get it. But even in a one on one setting, I really think about letting that story get some air, let it get some sunlight. Number two, who you were as a caregiver, one month ago, one year ago, is very different. Recognize that in a moment, you will handle a conversation and experience very differently now than you would have before. So give yourself credit for the growth that you've experienced. Or the armor that you've put on. You can handle more now. Trust yourself. Number three, follow your personal dream. You may not be able to follow all of them at the same time. I mean, hell, I can't even put all of that on caregiving. I have so many dreams any given day. Whew, but don't allow all of your personal dreams to fade away or flushed down a toilet? Because you're now a caregiver. That's not fair to you. It's not good for you. And ultimately, it's actually not good for your L.O. either. And while I've never met them, I doubt that will be preference. That's it for now. Thank you for listening. Please subscribe for continuous caregiving tips, tricks, trends and truth. Pretty pretty please with sugar on top, share and review it too. I'm a comedian. Alzheimer's is heavy. But, we ain't gotta be.