Parenting UP! Caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles
Get engulfed in the intense journey of a caregiver who happens to be a comedian. J Smiles use of levity reveals the stress and rewards of caregiving interwoven with her own personal journey. Over 10 years ago, she was catapulted into caregiving overnight when the shock of her dad's death pushed her mom into Alzheimer's in the blink of an eye. A natural storyteller, her vivid descriptions and impressive recall will place you squarely in each moment of truth, at each fork in the road. She was a single, childless mechanical engineering, product designing, lawyer living a meticulously crafted international existence until she wasn't. The lifestyle shift was immediate. Starting from scratch, she painstakingly carved out useful knowledge and created a beneficial care plan for her mom. J Smiles will fly solo and have expert guests. You will get tips, tricks, trends and TRUTH. Alzheimer's is heavy, we don’t have to be. All caregivers are welcome to snuggle up, Parent Up!
Parenting UP! Caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles
Finding A Greater Purpose: A Conversation with Andrew
Ever been blindsided by life's cruel surprises? Andrew sure has. A brain aneurysm hit him out of nowhere--at the airport! This episode takes you on a journey as we learn about Andrew's fight for survival, and his journey to redefine himself in the face of adversity.
From a successful teacher and soon-to-be author to a full-time caregiver for his mother diagnosed with ALS, Andrew's story is one of resilience and the unwavering human spirit. He paints a vivid picture of the terrifying trip to the hospital, the uncertainty of what lay ahead, and the disruption of his life. But, it's not all gloom and despair. Andrew's acceptance of his circumstances, his shift to present-mindedness, and his exploration of faith lend to lessons on how to find stability amid life's most unpredictable moments.
And, humor. Andy's tales are punctuated with bouts of laughter, lightening the heavy weight of his experiences. From his funny interactions with his mother to his light-hearted take on his predicaments, Andrew teaches us that laughter, indeed, is the best medicine. He is a testament to the power of humor in navigating life's toughest challenges. Tune in to hear Andy's inspiring story, and learn how he found laughter, love, and life amid adversity.
#inspiration #SurvivorStories #alzheimersawareness #caregiversupoort #InspiringStories #aneurysmawareness
"Alzheimer's is heavy but we ain't gotta be!"
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It is really tricky when, as an adult, you have a major medical event and then your parent has a major medical event.
Speaker 1:Like who in the hell is supposed to take top priority? You parent it up or they're parenting down. That's what happened with today's guests Like legit. He had a brain aneurysm. Like what in the whole hell? Only like 0.001%. Like okay, first of all, I'm a comedian Don't him Hit me up on trying to figure out what the percentages are. But like, brain aneurysms are not frequent. And then his mom was diagnosed with ALS, not to mention what the dad had to do with all of it.
Speaker 1:But the point is, this is a story of multitude of levels of caregiving from the mom and the son, and both of them are still at it and still making it happen. And that's what we do here at the parenting podcast. This is what we do in our community. We figure out ways to lock elbows and make it happen. So come on, come on, listen, come on, listen. We're about to learn some and figure out how to stay energized.
Speaker 1:Parenting up caregiving adventures with comedian day smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mom. For over a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat. Spoiler alert I started comedy because this shit is so heavy, so be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, ogs and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver, you are in the right place. Hi, this is Zeddy. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast. You okay Finding a greater purpose for conversation with her? Our parenting up community is growing so fast. I can't put out a episode as fast as we're growing. So text podcast or 404-737-1449 for updates, exclusives and suggestions on topics. While you're at it, share an episode with a caregiver you know. Review on Apple Podcasts and follow us on social media. Subscribe to our YouTube page, please. It really helps. Today's sponsor is the outside been open tour DC, chicago, new York, houston, atlanta. You better get your tickets, okay.
Speaker 1:Parenting up family we have a special treat here. You know, sometimes you got life all planned out and it's actually going the way you want to. All right, okay, like that never really happens. But actually today's guest was on a pretty smooth trajectory. Things were kind of going all right and then the apple cart turned upside down, all the apples left, like he looked around and all he had was a cart. Maybe not even a cart. Maybe all the wheels fell off.
Speaker 1:But then this dude because he has that like caregiver heart beating inside of him. He didn't even know that it's time. Say you know what? I don't even need an apple cart. I don't even need a cart, I don't even need apples. Maybe I just need like rocks and a bag. I'm just start all over and try to remember what it was that makes me tick in the first place, and that's why I'm so excited to announce that Andrew is here to talk to us about how you know, just to keep going, remember what you wanted to do in the first place, and just because you're a caregiver, you don't have to stop living.
Speaker 2:Welcome. Thank you so much for having me, and I appreciate what a wonderful introduction oh yeah, well, you deserve it.
Speaker 1:Dude, I don't want to look. I tried to be tried to touch upon how your story inspired me without like giving it all away.
Speaker 2:Thank you. Yes, well, I'm more than happy to go into all the details.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I want to start with a bit of your own. I'm just going to jump right into it. Drama like dude 2018, you had an aneurysm.
Speaker 2:I did yes.
Speaker 1:As an adult. Okay, let's just. I just want everybody to know that you weren't a kid. You were a full adult, grown, living somewhere, not with your parents. You weren't in the same city. You were out doing your thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and in 2018, I was living in Alexander Virginia and I had just finished. I was a teacher, a high school English teacher. I had just finished the school year. The my first crime fiction book that I'd written was going to be published the following year and it was, you know, the start of my summer vacation. I was actually going to visit my parents when I had a ruptured brain aneurysm at the airport.
Speaker 1:So wait, you can't just throw rupture, brain aneurysm at airport and crime fiction. Now that sounds like that was a part of your marketing Almost Okay, I'm teasing Andrew a little bit like, but you know you're a crime fiction author who has a brain aneurysm, rupture at the airport. This feels way too good Like, or this is like, network TV. This is like I love crime scene Investigate. This sounds like your life is ready for ID. Do you watch ID?
Speaker 2:I don't watch ID, but I'm somewhat familiar with, like NCIS or you know, the various offshoots of that. No, most of my life, you could say would look interesting as a sitcom or a drama, you know, depending on.
Speaker 1:But yes.
Speaker 2:I had wanted to be an author for the last 30 years or so, that's, you know, since high school. So I had published short stories before and this was sort of going to be the big crowning achievement. Finally I have a book that's coming out. It was with a, an independent press, so it wasn't, like you know, random House or one of the big publishing companies, but still it was the what I thought I would be crossing the finish line, you know, ending the first phase where I was just writing and trying to get my work out there. So really getting on that plane was going to be the start of the summer vacation, the end of the school year, celebrating with my parents that my book was going to be coming out. To add to what you had just mentioned, I had turned 40 years old the week before.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's why you're mental. Ok, you're turning 40. 40 is OK. So we have listeners all over the world.
Speaker 1:In the United States, 40 is like the adult 16. Like that. That is the thing. Like we don't even get that excited about 50 and 60 and 70 and all of that. But in the United States we got two big things like I don't even know why we're so excited about 16. Maybe it's because that's when you can drive a car, but it's like 16. And then 40, you're supposed to go just like eight dung, shit, like, and I don't even know who decided 40 was a big deal. But so you, you, you have your book is getting published and I know what you mean.
Speaker 1:So what is not Random House? The point is someone other than you and your mom. You're not just stapling this, you know at the local FedEx. You know you're not just stapling it overnight. Someone is going to make this a bound book that people can purchase online or somewhere. And you're turning 40. And now you're in the airport and what just turned for? Oh my God, like I got goosebumps. Just listen to this. And so you're at the airport. Are you sitting down? What do you feel?
Speaker 2:So I I felt fine. And then when I got to my gate and sat down, I started to sweat uncontrollably, which, looking back on it, was definitely a red flag. But at the time and this is before COVID so at the time I thought maybe I'm just getting the flu or something, I'll be OK. And then they called my group to board and I stood up and I picked up my backpack and it felt like there were bricks in there. So I realized, ok, this is again something that that's not normal, but if I can get on the plane I'll take a nap. I'm sure I'll feel better when I land. And then I scan my ticket and when I tried to walk on the jetway, the floor started to move like I was in a fun house at a carnival.
Speaker 1:Is it moving in a circle?
Speaker 2:No, it was just. I don't really remember, I just remember it sort of going back and forth or just. It was one of those things where I wasn't thinking clearly. I just remember thinking I'm going to have to get some momentum somehow to get on to the plane. I'm not going to be able to just walk in a straight line. And I took a step and fell.
Speaker 2:Now, fortunately I hadn't gotten on the plane and I was in an airport, in a public place, and first responders could get to me right away. The last thing I remember was someone saying don't move, and my response was I can't miss my flight, because all I could think about was how upset my parents would be if I missed the flight. You know, or was something wrong? So, um, I had filled out the emergency contact information, so the airline called my mother and they didn't know what was happening. They just knew that there was a problem. So my family had assumed that maybe I had bumped my head or that something had been a pr you know, but not anything monumental. At the time my brother and his family were visiting my parents, so they were all here and they called and left a ton of messages on my phone when I so, I was taken to the hospital and while I was there my neurosurgeon's physician's assistant found my phone and saw a bunch of missed calls. So he called my brother and he spoke to him and he said listen, this is really serious. You all need to fly to DC because he's in the hospital. We don't know if he's going to make it so very quickly. On a dime it became a holiday vacation to celebrate into a very tragic, potentially tragic situation. So my family flew up to DC and they stayed with me for the next.
Speaker 2:I think I was an intense of care for about three weeks. I don't have any memory of it, but I've seen photos and videos of me like sitting up for the first time and feeding myself for the first time, and then I was. I regained cognizance, so I remember where I was, and I was in the hospital for another 10 days doing rehab and then I left the hospital. But at the time I hadn't really thought about the future so much. It was mostly just let's work on walking again and trying to do day to day tasks. So at the time I moved back into my apartment, my mother stayed with me and I went to outpatient therapy. So again I hadn't really considered what the future might hold. It was more just like I'm getting used to being alive and trying to feel normal again.
Speaker 1:What functions did you have to relearn?
Speaker 2:I didn't have to relearn anything, thankfully. It was just I didn't really have the strength to do. I could walk for maybe a few steps, I had a cane and then I would need to sit down, so a lot of it was just building back up the endurance. One thing I did have to not relearn, but that was missing and then came back, was my ability to think abstractly. So I would complete these worksheets for the speech language pathologist where you would need to infer information. So I remember one in particular where it was. You had a list of dogs and a list of potential dog owners and they all lived in different cities and you had to figure out who owned which dog and which city they lived in. And they wouldn't give you all the information, so you had to assume some of it. I remember suddenly I could think abstractly, but that I wasn't able to.
Speaker 2:For the first month I was out of the hospital. So then my mother and I drove down to my parents' house in South Carolina and I was here for about two months where much of my physical recovery happened, and then I went home and began to sort of rebuild what I thought I might do. I had thought I could return to teaching. I didn't know if I'd be able to write anymore. Fortunately, I was able to write.
Speaker 2:It took a little while to feel comfortable doing that again, but I still could. And I went back to school the school that I taught at as a substitute teacher but I found it to be a little too overwhelming to be in the classroom, so I decided I would try to get a job working as a tutor because I thought that might be easier. And then I got a job that was supposed to start in April of 2020, but obviously the COVID pandemic cancelled that. So I ended up moving back in with my parents for about a year, and this was instrumental because I could focus 100% on just finishing recovering to a point where I felt comfortable. I wouldn't have to think about day-to-day obligations, and it was during that time that I realized teaching probably wouldn't be the best course of action and that I don't think I could be a full-time author just the way the market is now. So I realized that going back to school and becoming a clinical mental health counselor and helping other people during their brain injury recoveries would be the best fit.
Speaker 1:Now, right here, this is where this, to me, is pivotal, on who you are and how you kept going. So this is where I have a couple of questions for you. Sure, so, how you made those series of determinations along the way. So it was. You know. You decide you knew that the classroom was overwhelming. Why was it overwhelming, was it that? Was the pace a bit overwhelming, and so that's? And then you also said that you knew that being a full-time author would likely not happen. Tell us a little bit about what was it that made you know that the classroom probably would not be a good fit and being a full-time author would probably not be good for you.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, the being a full-time author would be wonderful. I just didn't think it would be possible to make a living that way with the type of books that I write with the classroom. So the students that I taught all had some form of learning difference and ADHD, and they really need somebody who's at 100% of their game. Not to mention, I always viewed teaching as a means to an end. It was never a passion. So I didn't have the extra desire that I think is sometimes necessary if you're not operating at 100%. So I just felt like I was missing. You know, if a kid wasn't paying attention, it would take me a little bit longer to catch that or just I felt like there was so much going on that I wasn't able to handle the way that I used to.
Speaker 1:I got you.
Speaker 2:Part of it was. I also didn't have the same, so much had changed that just the drive wasn't there to focus on teaching. I think there are very few people these days who are similar with musicians or any kind of artist who can afford to have a career that's 100% creative. I think, if you think about it, people like John Grisham or Stephen King or Lee Child are able to do it. They write very accessible, mainstream 400 page books that are easy to market. There's so much competition in these days with social media and the way the landscape is, I just didn't think I'd be able to find something that would be fulfilling.
Speaker 2:The other thing is it's easy for me to say that I was able to make the decision to change careers.
Speaker 2:You know it seems relatively easy just saying it, but it was about a three year period between the injury and when I went back to school, and those three years were really difficult, just feeling comfortable emotionally. I think for my whole life I'd always had a couple of goals that I had wanted to reach. I had wanted to be an author, I had wanted to get married or start a family or at least be in a serious relationship with someone. And as a result of the aneurysm, the way that I process emotions now is different, so it's a little bit more difficult to be in a serious relationship with someone. So I remember during those three years it was really difficult to come to terms with the fact that a lot of my goals that I'd had either didn't seem worthwhile anymore or wouldn't be achievable the way that I had anticipated. So it took meeting with a somatic experience therapist to help me kind of evaluate how I process emotions now and just time time to continue healing and to feel comfortable.
Speaker 1:What is a somatic experience? Therapist.
Speaker 2:So the person that I meet with, we sort of discuss how to be more aware of your body's reaction to things. So for me, one of the activities that was really helpful that I did is I would look at a photo of my family and try to feel how that was affecting me physically by looking at it and be able to make those connections. There had been times before that where I had intellectually understood like, okay, I'm looking at a photo of my family who mean a lot to me, but I'm just not feeling the effect of that. So some of the work we did was figuring out like, oh, that very little faint thing that you feel, that's the emotional feeling and let's try to work on building that connection. So it seems like it was a pretty straight line from A to B leaving teaching and becoming counselor. But in between it took a lot of difficult days and just time to heal, working on therapy, realizing that there is value out there. It's just giving yourself enough time to find it.
Speaker 2:I had one of the phrases I sort of thought of in the therapy was becoming comfortable with uncertainty. I think there's a certain amount of information we'd like to think we know moving forward. Well, I work as a lawyer and I have kids that are going to eventually go to college, and I don't know exactly how that's going to happen, but I know it'll happen somehow. So for me, I had to sort of reimagine how everything would happen, and perhaps I wouldn't end up getting married and starting a family, but that would be okay if that change happened. So it took a while to feel comfortable. Even in school, some of the subject matter was, for. I was a humanities student most of the time, so learning about psychology was a very steep learning curve at first. And then what brings me to the point of the story in which I become a caregiver.
Speaker 2:Unfortunately, in 2021, I think, or 2022, I don't remember 100% my mother was diagnosed with ALS.
Speaker 2:So in June of this year about I don't know a couple of months ago I was visiting with my parents and I was going to stay through July 4th weekend, and while I was here, my parents and I decided that my mother had gotten to the point where she requires basically 24-hour care and it made more sense for me to move back in and become her primary caregiver, since the classes that I can take or they're letting me take them virtually and my internship, in which I counsel people, is virtual too, so really the only thing that's changed is just where I'm living, so I can afford to really be helpful here and help take care of my mother and go to school and take class, and I found that all of that has replaced the goals that I'd had previously, where I only focused on wanting to be a writer and teaching just to make a living, and focusing on potentially being in a relationship with someone and starting a family.
Speaker 2:So whereas I thought those were the important things in life, now the important things I have or what's right in front of me I still write, I go to class, I'm going to get my degree in counseling soon, I'm able to help my family, and that's become the most important things.
Speaker 1:Hey, I find it fascinating that you stated you're now firmly focused on what's in front of you rather than plans for the future. That is such a critical and necessary part of caregiving At least that's what I found. The more I can stay present in the moment in caring for my mom, not too sad and somber about what we've lost and what she cannot remember or cannot do from yesterday, or being too concerned about next week or next month or what may or may not happen, just trying to handle what's happening today, right now, then I'm able to manage my current life, my emotions, a lot more.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. What's interesting, or one interesting thing, is that one of the silver linings about my emotional processing difficulties is that I don't get emotionally overwhelmed by sad or difficult moments. I have the ability to deal with really difficult things without having to worry so much. I definitely agree with you 100%. I think often one thing that helped me a lot in my own recovery and is helpful now is just thinking about some of the tenets of Buddhism that I read about how a lot of discomfort for we get in life comes from us wanting things to be different from how they are.
Speaker 2:The more you can recognize how things really are and try to align yourself with that, the easier a lot of it will be. I find that focusing on the present rather than thinking about the future is one of the ways to keep things on a level playing field.
Speaker 1:Agreed. When you found out about your mom having ALS and you made the decision to move full time, stay with your mom and care for her. What was some of the first things you had to do in becoming a caregiver? Like to physically change about your life or your lifestyle? There was a time when your mom was caring for you. That most of the time, andrew, when we were parenting up, more more likely than not, I hear the stories where, ok, you're, you're an adult and your parent cared for you when you were a kid, right when you were under 18.
Speaker 1:And now the shoe has changed. Well, because you had a ruptured aneurysm a handful of years ago, your mom recently helped you. He'll Like less than five, six years ago, and now you were. So there's a continuation of care that's occurring between you and your parents, specifically your mom. That's a very short turnaround time. So Right there in the same house. So what? Maybe you still had all the tools there, maybe all of the canes or wheelchairs? I'm not sure how far along her ALS is, but what did you need to do, mentally or physically, to prepare yourself in caring for her now?
Speaker 2:Well, mentally I didn't really have to do much for you know again, fortunately, the way that I process emotions now has changed. So much of that is really a non factor Physically. A lot of it just took an adjustment to understand how I can be best used. I do a lot of things around the house that are just sort of practical housekeeping things. You know my, my mother. Her condition is pretty far along right now, so she needs help moving most of the time she can. She can still speak, although her voice tends to be slurred, so sometimes it's difficult for people to understand her. And my father just turned 80.
Speaker 2:So while he can certainly be helpful, lifting heavy things is so. So I will usually take out the trash and recycling when it needs to go out. I'll unload and load the dishwasher, I'll make dinner. I will do a lot of just cleaning. I will do a lot of just practical things. Most of where I'm helpful as a caregiver is with transferring. So my mother spends a lot of time in a recliner chair that will stand her up vertically when you use the remote, and she has an automatic wheelchair that she uses. So being able to pick her up and put her in the wheelchair is something that I can be helpful.
Speaker 2:Doing so much of what I do I learned on the job, so to speak, just what medication she needed to take that I could give. She is being fed through a peg tube now, so she has an aid that's here every day from eight to two, and the aid usually takes care of the morning and early afternoon things that my mother needs and then I'll take over in the afternoons and evenings. So a lot of it was just sort of learning, like okay, how do you prepare the meal for the tube feeding? How do you prepare certain medications that she needs? So much of it was just learning as I was here, from the aid that was already here to show me what to do and fortunately, mentally I didn't really need to prepare that much because that's the.
Speaker 2:I would never think that the aneurysm would have a silver lining. But I've also discovered that much of what my situation looks like seems like it's been predetermined somehow. You know your mother's going to have ALS, so, but because you had a rupture brain aneurysm, you're not going to be emotionally overwhelmed by it and you'll be allowed to take classes virtually and your internship can be done virtually. So all the pieces of this puzzle will seem to fit together somehow.
Speaker 1:So it's been a good.
Speaker 1:The fact that you I mean I know you've mentioned therapy but the fact that you have created a narrative of positivity around something as life altering, as a rupture, brain aneurysm. And then you picked up the responsibility of being your mother's caregiver, moving in with your parent, and you're calling it silver lining, it is magnificent. I mean, it is purely magnificent, and it is the stuff that legends are made of. It is the part of humanity that I call the superhuman cape that many caregivers wear, where you are digging into something in that space of fidelity. That is a purpose much greater than yourself.
Speaker 1:You're not really sure where it came from, but you spoke of Buddhism. I'm not. I can't call myself a practicing Buddhist because I don't follow all the principles and know them all right the back of my hand. But I will say this I don't know of a principle of Buddhism that I disagree with. I'll put it that way. What I do know of it, I welcome with open arms and heart. And just to hear you say that repeatedly, and even when we had our discovery call, I was just like yeah, this dude is extraordinary and your willingness to continue to pivot. I consider myself a pivot master and dude. I think you may have a couple of feet on me with the notion of like you call in a ruptured aneurysm. The silver lining is now you're not so emotionally attached to what your mom is going through. That is comedic folklore to say, yeah well, I could see a great Saturday night life's coming out of this Sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, as I've told you this story today, it doesn't seem from a lot of it that there would be much humor just based on the subject. You know, usually when you're talking about ruptured aneurysms or ALS there isn't much humor. But I try to find the lighter side of everything. That's. The other major contribution I make here is I bring a lot of levity to everything. I try to make fun of the situation. As often as possible I make people laugh. You know I look at my own situation. I mean, within the last five years I've had a ruptured brain aneurysm. We've experienced a worldwide pandemic. My mother's had a horrible, potentially terminal illness of which there is no cure. So it seems like every. You know I often say if aliens land on Earth tomorrow, I won't think it's anything strange. You know that's like oh yeah, of course that's next and that's the next step, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah but I do I go on.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:When your mother, what can? For those who are, who are listening and may not have ever been around someone with ALS, can you share with them? Share with us some of the symptoms that you or your family members saw, that that led to the diagnosis?
Speaker 2:Sure. So looking back on it now, I think there had been signs previously. Both of my parents used to play tennis and my mother had said she wasn't moving as well as she had on the court. Then over the summer a few years ago, she broke her foot and the foot healed, but while she was in rehab she noticed that she wasn't able to really walk straight, and those were the first sort of signs. So my mother's 76.
Speaker 2:Typically, people develop ALS younger than that. So I think most people that were trying to treat her didn't anticipate ALS, just because it would have been rare. And then eventually I think they ruled out enough potential diagnoses for it to be that and then. So in the beginning a lot of it was just she could move on her own with a cane. She could walk downstairs, and then over time she needed a walker to the point where she wouldn't be able to walk. Now she's in a wheelchair. She can't move her left arm anymore.
Speaker 2:Really she's able to speak, but she slurs most of her words. So at some point within the next few years we don't really know how fast this will move she probably will just be able to blink her eyes. So she has devices now that she has a speech amplifier which is sort of like a speaker that she wears around her neck with a microphone. We have an app on her iPad that has pre-programmed phrases loaded into it. So if she wants a drink of water, she'll just be able to hit the button, and then eventually she'll probably need an eye gaze machine that'll track her pupils so she'll be able to select what she wants the machine to say just by looking at it.
Speaker 2:So that's what she's been experiencing, and these days most of what I do has again been transferring her from various things to various things, making sure she's fed, adjusting her in her seat to be more comfortable. So that's pretty much it. I hadn't been familiar. You know, when I was growing up, if you had said ALS, I wouldn't have known what it was, unless you had said Lou Gehrig's disease. That was typically what it had been known as. And then within the last couple of years, there was the ice bucket challenge, which was on social media, which I think brought more attention to what. So now ALS is sort of a more well-known thing.
Speaker 1:Right, yes, she with becoming a caregiver. Have you found any time, maybe even online, to attempt to have any type of social life, like even coffee or play chess or anything?
Speaker 2:Yes, Well, so being in a counseling program one of the things that were often in all of my classes regardless of what it is, it's suggested to prioritize self-care. That's also something that I tell my clients. So for me, I'm hyper aware of making sure that I have time for myself. Every week I do a music review show on YouTube with a friend of mine who lives in Illinois, so we meet on the computer and we talk about music and make sure that I can try to write if I'm inspired. I don't really socialize in person as much because there just isn't much time. My parents live in a sort of remote place, but I do a lot of online socializing. I tutor someone one of my fellow brain injury survivors writing a blog, so I help her edit that. I speak to someone else on the phone every week, so I try to stay engaged and active. It's interesting.
Speaker 2:I had been reading philosophy the other day in which someone had suggested that staying engaged in activity is really helpful. He mentioned little kids, for example. If they're playing cops and robbers, the game isn't about the cop catching the robber, because then the game ends. If the cop catches the robber, then they switch roles. They just want to keep playing. So I try to look at what I'm doing here that way.
Speaker 2:Every day when I wake up I have things to do. I'm engaged. It's different than I had expected it to be. Certainly If you had asked me 10 years ago like, hey, where do you think you'll be when you're 45? I wouldn't have said recovering from an aneurysm, taking care of my mother who's got ALS. But that's the reality of the situation and how can I make the best of it. And it's taken me a long time to realize that making the best of it may not be what I had anticipated. It may not include being a father or being a husband or having books on the New York Times bestseller list, but that that's okay. I've learned to enjoy and appreciate what I'm doing. I find the value in the activity.
Speaker 1:That's phenomenal. That's phenomenal because value, they say beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I believe value is in the eye of the actor. Right, there's value where you place it. There's value where I place it, and you have redirected and redefined what is of value to you, as have I, and it is a necessary variable for many family caregivers. I haven't heard the family caregiver say, oh yeah, I thought this would come right around now in life, where my parent would need me to take care of them 75% of my day, or 50% of my life, or my 401k or what have you? You never quite. While you might have thought, excuse me, as my parent ages, I might have to be a little bit involved. When disease is involved, right, whether it's cancer or ALS or Alzheimer's, the level of interjection that is required of a child, that's an adult family caregiver. There's no class. There's no book. There's no YouTube series. There's no Netflix special. Maybe we need to make one, andrew. Maybe that's the book that you write, the sci-fi fiction.
Speaker 2:Maybe, although this is our conversation will hopefully be helpful. Someone will hear it.
Speaker 1:Of course, of course, of course. I believe every conversation helps. I mean, this conversation is helping me. Being reminded that there's another soul like you out there, who faced the tough battle and came out victorious, is good even for me to hear and to witness it. So tell me, what did happen with the initial book you? It was to be published. Did they publish it at all?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So it came out. I had expected it to be somehow life altering, you know. Oh well, now I'm a published author, this will open a lot of doors and be and I at the time I listened to a conversation with music producer Rick Rubin and Andre 3000. And they were talking about how, when you're creative, it feels like you have a hole in you and the only way to fill that hole is by making a record or making a film or writing a book or doing something creative. So you spend all of your time trying to make that happen, thinking, okay, when I get this done, it'll fill the hole. And then you finish it and it comes out and the hole doesn't get filled and you realize that that wasn't the answer to what you were looking for and some people have a really difficult time with that.
Speaker 2:I myself had a really difficult time with that when it happened, because it was sort of magnified by the fact that I was, you know, recovering at the same time. But within the next year or so, I kind of reassessed, like, okay, well, what do I want writing to have? What role do I want that to play in my life? And I was able to come to a realization that I just want it to be something that I can do and I just want to take pleasure in the activity and not the goal.
Speaker 2:So, fortunately I was, I still could write, and since then I've published more books, which I've been really fortunate to do so but now writing is something that I just enjoy doing and I focus less on the end result and more on just enjoying the process of doing it. So, yeah, I'm really really fortunate in that regard. Many of the people that I have met in support groups or either traumatic or acquired brain injuries, have a lot of difficulty with cognitive processing, so they are unable to work or they're unable to do things for prolonged periods. I don't really have any of those limitations, so I can afford to sort of revisit things that I enjoyed doing previously. I just hold them in different regard now. So it's been an interesting five years, certainly, where there's been a lot of changes and most of what made it easier was just feeling comfortable adjusting to those changes.
Speaker 1:What is something humorous or funny that you and your mom share?
Speaker 2:Okay, something humorous that we share. I think I had told you about this when we spoke the other day. So my mother doesn't have, she really can't move her left arm, and her left arm was on the couch cushion like this and then it slid down and just fell in her lap. And in professional wrestling, when Hulk Hogan would have the sleeper hold put on him, they would lift his arm and it would fall and they would do it a second time and then on the third time he would start doing this and you would know that he would. He was about to turn the tide of the match and there was an announcer at the time named Mean Jean Okerland. So when my mother's arm fell, I said to her I don't like the looks of that mean Jean, and that made her laugh. And then I printed out a photo of Mean Jean Okerland and above it is written I don't like the looks of that mean Jean, and I have it taped up on the coffee table across from where she sits most of the time. So things like that are really, you know, are fun. We have a lot of inside jokes, you know, like that. Growing up, I obviously watched professional wrestling all the time, so she was subjected to it.
Speaker 2:There are other other funny things. You know, I did try online dating for a while after I had my brain aneurysm, and a lot of it was similar to like an episode of Seinfeld or Curb your Enthusiasm, where the idea became do you mention that you had a rupture of brain aneurysm? And if you do, when do you bring that up during the date, like, do you say, excuse me, would you like to split an order of nachos? By the way, here's something you should know about me. So there are a lot. There were a lot of. In the last five years, there have been a lot of moments like that that have been really funny. You know, whether it, whether or not it's like darker humor or gallows humor, but we, you know, we both we all sort of have enjoyed making light of things that you know would typically not be very funny.
Speaker 1:I love it. I love it. Dry humor, wet humor, all of the humor works it all works. How can people acquire your books or follow you or get your counseling, or is there any way that they can support you?
Speaker 2:Sure, yeah. So I have a website that has everything. It's just Andrew dash Daveycom, and that's a, a, n, d, r, e, w dash D, a, v I E. That has my social media accounts, it has my books, it has my music review show with my friend Heather, it's all there. So, whatever, whatever you'd like to see with regard to counseling, I think right now you're licensed in the state in which you practice. So my supervisor I'm working under my supervisor's license and she's licensed in Delaware, maryland, virginia and Washington DC. So if you live in that area and you would like counseling it's called lighthouse therapeutic services you can find that they counsel for everything. It's not just brain injury recovery. Maybe at some point I will start a private practice that will address that, but for now we're just taking it one day at a time.
Speaker 1:Fantastic. I appreciate it so much. I appreciate it so much. This has been a great conversation. Your ability to see the softer side, the brighter side, and to keep moving, to stay active mentally and physically and emotionally even though there may be some Emotional deficit, according to medical science your decision to keep chipping away at it and to grow that muscle stronger is so freaking admirable. So thank you so much, andrew, thank you for joining us.
Speaker 2:Thank you, it was a privilege and a pleasure and I appreciate it. Thank you, it was delightful for me too.
Speaker 1:The Snuggle Ups. Number one giving yourself time to find your way. I really championed Andrew for giving himself the space to figure out what he was going to do next. It would have been so easy for him to ball, just ball himself up and let the world pass him by. But he said OK, listen, I'm a teacher, I wanted to be an author. What can I do? That leans into my passions but does not take me too far outside of the parameters of what my bandwidth can handle. And so now he is doing mental health therapy virtually for people. He's getting his certificates and masters. Don't, don't make me lie, y'all know I will. My granny taught me how to live very well, but he's doing what he can with what he has, and that's what I think is so fantastic about what he has shared. So let's all take a little something out of that. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Number two work-life balance. Andrew had to find it. There was a point when he lived alone in a completely different city, a single man making it do what it do. Now he's living with his parents, allowing his father to have somewhat of a still kind of useful life because he's able to help his dad with his mom's care. Her ALS has really progressed. His mom and dad helped him and so now he decided to help them in their senior years. That greatly restricts what he's able to do. That's a choice that he made. Maybe that kind of choice isn't for you, but he decided how he could find his work-life balance. What can you do to find your work-life balance so that you can keep some type of sanity? It's different for all of us, but figure it out. Take the time to figure it out.
Speaker 1:Number three Andrew finds humor. He has a pretty offbeat sense of humor, according to him, but he does it with his mom, because the aid has to do a lot of the cleaning up for his mom. She doesn't really want her son to see all of her girly parts, but when he has the time and the moments where he can do something to poke fun at her, he does and she laughs and she gives it back to him. No matter the fact that she is struggling and in pain and often unable to maybe hold her hand up or grab the spoon, he still teases her about it. Because, why not? Because, why not? You can tease your LO about things that might be a little bit distasteful. It's funny. They can take it, they can handle it. Maybe don't do it in the middle of a church service. You gotta know that's a time and place for everything, but try it. Sometimes just knocking the seriousness out of the moment is worth it for us all.
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