Caring For Parents Who Didn't Care

You spoke and we listened. What happens when you are asked to care for a parent who didn't care for you? Our latest episode courageously exposes the underbelly of a home in turmoil, exploring the raw and often concealed struggles that families endure. J's vulnerability in sharing her own experiences with us sheds light on the complexities and painful realities of harsh familial ties. From hard words to the brink of collapse, this episode is a journey through the battlefield of a home divided.

This is no ordinary discussion; it’s a confrontation with the shadows that lurk in the corners of what we call home. We navigate through themes of betrayal, the trials of parenthood, and the desperate search for identity and recognition within the tangled web of family relations.  J offers a look at the emotional scars left behind in childhood and the courage it takes to face them when it comes to an ailing parent. It's a poignant reminder of the strength found in vulnerability and the power of speaking one's truth. Join us for an episode that is sure to resonate deeply, challenging your perceptions of family and caregiving.

#agingparents
#caregiving
#alzheimersawareness
#family
#relationshiptips
#comedian
#endalz
#parenthood

Chapters

• 0:00 Caring for Abusive Parents
• 11:12 Navigating Family Caregiving Challenges
• 27:46 Better Support for Family Caregivers

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Listen, I really listen to the parenting up community and, yes, jg and Zeddy have had a remarkable and magical relationship since I was born. That's not always the case. What happens when you find yourself you're an adult and you need to care for your parent, but as a kid they weren't there for you. Either they treated you poorly or they were just absent. They missed baseball games, ballerina get-togethers, sleepovers. Maybe they were abusive, psychologically, physically. They didn't pay the bills, they didn't help you go to college. Maybe they beat you unmercifully. And now they're sick, they're old, they got dementia, they got something. You got to wipe their ass. And should you do it, will you do it? Does guilt make you do it? Are you mad about it? Are you resentful? I don't know. Come on, let's talk about it. Let's watch. Come on, watch me. Yeah, parenting up Caregiving adventures with comedian Daysmiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama.

Speaker 1: 1:31

For over a decade I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat. It's Paula and her. I started comedy because this shit is so heavy, so be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, ogs and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver, you are in the right place. Hi, this is Zeddy. I hope you enjoy my twerter's podcast. You done okay Caregiving for parents who didn't care. Our parenting up community is growing so fast I can't put out a episode as fast as we're growing. So text podcast to 404-737-1449 for updates, exclusives and suggestions on topics. While you're at it, share an episode with a caregiver you love. Review on Apple Podcasts and follow us on social media. Subscribe to our YouTube page, please. It really helps.

Speaker 1: 2:46

Being a family caregiver is a decision. It is a major decision. To me, it's a bigger decision than deciding to be pregnant, because being pregnant is also a decision. You got to decide to stay pregnant and then being a parent means you got to decide to keep the baby, okay. And then, when you decide to be a family caregiver, you're saying there is a person who is an adult that I am not going to get paid for it, but I'm going to make sure that their well-being is put either ahead of my own well-being or equal to mine. That is a big ass decision.

Speaker 1: 3:37

Now, I did it for Zeddy. I've been doing it for Zeddy but, like I said, it has come to me from a whole lot of people reaching out on social media through text messages and emails where they've said hey, jay, what's up? Jay Smiles, let me holler at you. We know your relationship with Zeddy is all fucking magical and unicorns and y'all always kissing and hugging and yo, that's sweet and that's nice and all. But what about us on the other side, family caregivers, specifically daughters and sons, children where the parents were not nice to us, they weren't kind, they weren't sweet, they weren't loving. They may have been physically around, but maybe they were abusive, physically abusive, emotionally abusive or maybe they were absent, maybe they weren't even there. Jay smiles, how the hell am I supposed to show up and show out for a person who needs me now when they ask what's there for me when I needed them? Y'all, that's tough. First thing I'm gonna tell you is that's tough as hell, because in my spirit, spirit, that ain't even how I roll. Typically, if you ain't do nothing for me in the past, I don't even have your number now. Okay, let me just drop a little thing in the bucket that I've never talked about. On the Parents Another podcast, I'm pretty sure. At least it ain't going to no detail.

Speaker 1: 5:42

Jaco is not my biological father. He my daddy though. Okay, he married my mama when I was eight. They started dating when I was seven. My biological father is a total a-hole. He's still alive. He treated my mama very poorly. He left me for he didn't know if I was eating, where I was sleeping or if I had the p-pneumonia called Tyford Mary Fever and died. So when he tried to come back around when I was in my 20s, I was like dude, I'm cool, I'm tight, I got a daddy. If he showed up right now and needed me to be his caregiver, I don't know Real talk. I really don't know what I would do for that man Because he beat my mama, sweet Zeddy, that y'all all know and love, he's the fanfave. He beat her and threw her down the steps. He hit her in the head with that five-pound rotary dial phone, the thing that you could use to smash in the side of a car window. So not only did he not show up and be a father to me at any point in my life, he also physically and emotionally abused the love of my life, my mama. So I ain't got nothing for him. Now he has since remarried and has biological children with that woman. So prayerfully they're caring for him.

Speaker 1: 7:38

But back to this point in hand what do you do when you need to be the caregiver for a parent who's treated you like Dogpoo on their shoe? It's tough, it hurts and it's not easy, and I recognize that and I'm not trying to sugarcoat it when we have these conversations about parenting up. So we got answers, but the answers are very personal and require reflection. Give yourself credit for being better than your raggedy ass parent. You know how I know you're better Because you're even considering being their caregiver. You're either already caring for him or her or you're considering it. That makes you better. That makes you better. Why are you even considering it?

Speaker 1: 9:09

If your mom or dad was not so great they treated you poorly, they were absent in your formative years, that they were abusive, literally, or they just didn't show you any love. Now they've gotten older and nobody is around to care for them and you have chosen to pick up their shit. That makes you better than them. It does to me. I'm not saying that makes you a perfect human being. I'm not saying that gets you without fault, but a portion of you has already forgiven them. Forgiving, ha ha ha. I made up a word. A portion of you has already forgiven them. Give yourself credit for that. Really, a human who has matured, grown and is looking for better and to add value in this world could even try to care for a former abuser or asshole from their life.

Speaker 1: 10:48

You're amazing Like you're the best kind of caregiver. You make our entire community look better, you keeping us afloat. I mean real talk. I'm not trying to blow smoke up your socks or up your skirt or whatever it is. You're wearing you bad ass.

Speaker 1: 11:12

Because why are you even here? Heaven forbid, if you have a sibling that your mom or dad favored over you and then that sibling has decided to turn their back on your parent. Maybe they're not giving any money, they're not giving any time, they're not answering calls, text messages, and so now you're like shit, ain't this some shit? I got the least growing up, but now I have to give the most. Well, first, let me stop you right there. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to be your parent's caregiver. It's a choice you are making. Oh, it's J-Smiles.

Speaker 1: 12:16

But if I don't, then I'm gonna feel guilty. You know you're feeling guilty because you have a heart and you're caring and you have a better sense of humanity than your parent did at that time. And on that, go ahead and be a better person. Nothing wrong with that. Go ahead and live a life of paying it forward, knowing that, okay, maybe your children or your children's children will also reap the benefit of this herculean-ass task that you're doing for humanity. So, yeah, maybe they kicked you all around, but the benefit that they're receiving from you they're not getting over on you. You're still winning. You won by the fact that their evil didn't hold you down. You have enough light in your being and in your soul that you can look the darkness and the monster in the eye and treat them with love and kindness.

Speaker 1: 13:46

What, what, what? The other people in your family or friendship circle, those who know of how you were treated when you were younger. They are also growing from this. You are showing other people how to forgive and move on and love. Instead, you are spreading all kind of love, juice and berries and flowers across the land and the benefits that you are likely to receive from it. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Honey, honey, honey, honey.

Speaker 1: 14:39

It doesn't even matter if your LO says thank you and I love you. It's not about them at this point, it's about you, your personal triumph, and how you will move on even after they have gained their wings, and what you can do for the remainder of your time on earth. Don't make it about them Uh-uh, baby. It's been about them long enough, trying to keep darkness in your heart. Let's turn that corner. Let's turn that corner. Turn the corner to positivity for you. Damn your LO. That was oppressive years ago or when you were younger, might not even been a bunch of years ago. Forget them. How are you gonna live now If you're still caring for them? How are you going to live now?

Speaker 1: 16:13

Jay Smiles and the parenting up family we're here as advocates for caregivers, for family caregivers, and I'm gonna stand on business and tell you like this If you cannot adequately care for your LO and keep your mental health in check, you gotta get somebody else to do it. It can't be you. Okay, remember, I'm a comedian who's a family caregiver. Listen, your LO, if they got some kind of dementia or Alzheimer's, their days are limited and their time is ticking anyway. Ain't no sense in both of y'all being miserable and dying early. Hello, holly, if you're still in your home. Hello, hello, holly, if you hear me, if you've tried the best you can to give them all you can. But whatever that anxiety and angst is in your belly, around your past, if you can't let it go and you find yourself doing drugs or drinking or treating your spouse and your children your children that's my grandfather coming out.

Speaker 1: 17:27

If you find yourself now repeating bad habits because you're trying to care for your LO, that has such an albatross or negative impact on your current being, you gotta stop being their caregiver At least for a while. Consider therapy. Talk to a priest, a pastor, a rabbi, go to yoga, a spiritual counselor, something. Don't be a martyr and everybody ends up losing. Okay, I'm serious about this. What good is it if your life is in pure misery? You're making whoever you live with miserable and your LO can feel that tension and venom every time you're around them. But you get to tell your coworkers yeah, I'm caring for my mama, even though she was a bitch to me. That's not. Come on, we're better than that. You're better than that. Don't do that.

Speaker 1: 18:57

You may remember the movie Precious, precious, precious, with a comedian monique, got her Oscar. What if Precious had to be her mama's kid? What if Precious had to be her mama's caregiver? That would be awful, that would be some kind of situation. But there are really toxic and horrid parental child relationships and sometimes you have to save yourself and tell your sibling hey, you gotta come get your mama or tell one of their siblings, or find a nursing home or assisted living home or find a church and give your loved one to them, at least until you can get over the emotional pain that is causing you the how's it about the use of engineering term? And I don't want to do that right now. So now I'm drawing a blank. That is keeping you from having a useful and productive caregiving, caree and carer relationship. That's the point. That's the point.

Speaker 1: 20:59

When I share my journey, the JG Zeddy journey, it is not at all to say, do it like I do it. It is simply to say this is my walk, it's not your walk, it's my walk. But I do want to encourage everybody to have the safest and healthiest walk that you can as a family caregiver. You've earned that. Okay, let's nuggle up Number one. It's hard.

Speaker 1: 21:59

What made you decide in the first place to even consider being this deadbeat parent's caregiver? Something did. There's a whole lot of things in your life you never even thought about doing. Like if you're a teacher, you probably maybe never thought about being a sumo wrestler. Did you know you're actually supposed to call it a small wrestler? It's not even sumo. We say sumo on the western side of the world, but in Japan, where it's from, they also say small. So okay, just take that for me. But there are a lot of things in this world that you've never considered being or doing, or eating or drinking.

Speaker 1: 22:46

What made you say I'll do it, even if it was with a little bit of hesitation? Peel that apart. What is it? Is it because you think it's the right thing to do? Is it because you have grown past the treatment that you received as a child or as a young adult? Because you have gone through some spiritual awakening? Whatever the case is, don't let scars and scar tissue keep you from continuing on that pattern and journey of growth. Just don't let it happen. Don't turn back to the darkness. Lean into whatever it is that made you consider being a caregiver for the person that was once your bully Number two.

Speaker 1: 23:59

Go to therapy for the underlying trauma. Listen, before you even go to talk to a professional about being a caregiver, please get treatment for whatever that original abuse or trauma was and if it happened with you and a multitude of siblings or the other parent or family members try to get them to go to, even if it's virtual appointments, even if it's once a month or once every other month. Open Pandora's box. Don't let that stuff fester and stay inside just because it's been so long or so many years or nobody wants to talk about it. You tell them this hey, for me to be the caregiver, we got to go to therapy. So for me to be the caregiver, y'all got to give me money for me to go to therapy.

Speaker 1: 25:03

You have a lot of power if you have decided to be the caregiver for the LO and somebody's going to have to help you be in the right mental space to pull off this very, very important responsibility. Who knows, maybe your LO, at this stage in their life, would be willing, depending on how far along they are in their dementia, or maybe they have another disease that requires you to be your caregiver. Maybe it's cancer, maybe it's something that's not involving cognitive decline. If it's cancer, maybe they're paraplegic, maybe it's lupus, so they can understand that you're requiring some level of a truce to be drawn. You never know. You should at least ask, because if you have gotten to a point where you are big enough and brave enough to take on this coat, this super cape of being their caregiver, they should be willing to have the conversation with you around therapy or counseling. That's the least they could do. Number three baby, baby, baby.

Speaker 1: 26:36

This is from Jay Smiles, from the depths of my souls and the tippy tops of my toes. If you're not doing it well, if you are not currently performing your caregiving duties well for this asshole of a parent that you have, release yourself of the duty. Don't keep doing it. Do not keep doing it, or, at a minimum, don't keep doing it all, or by yourself, you either need to get them to a facility, get some other family members in and don't say, oh, but, jay Smiles, there is nobody else to do it. Honey, if you die tomorrow and your LO is still alive, somebody else is going to do something. Please, don't be a martyr to your own detriment. Don't do that. It's not worth it.

Speaker 1: 27:46

The parenting up community is here to make it better for the family caregivers, so that we are better for our LOs. It's not supposed to be that we end up with. We are bad caregivers and then we end up living sucky lives? Hell, no, you think I'm doing all this work. Got a podcast team together of fly-ass chicks with lights and buttons and bells and whistles and cups and shit for you to be living a sucky life and your LO to be having bad days and bad sores. Come on now. Y'all text me and get that means with some emails and some DMs. Y'all know the number. Tell me how you doing. What's up family. Share this episode right here with a caregiver you love. Review on Apple Podcast. Follow us on social media and please subscribe to our YouTube channel.