Parenting UP! Caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles

Comedy & Caregiving Concierge: A Conversation with Jennifer Cain-Birkmose

• J Smiles • Season 4 • Episode 17

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What does it take to transform the caregiving landscape on a global scale?

Join us as we uncover the journey of Jennifer Cain-Berkmose, a trailblazing caregiver who has dedicated several years to revolutionizing care for the elderly. Jennifer's story of passion and resilience aligns with my experiences as a comedian and caregiver, from her roots in the United States to her impactful career making a global impact. Together, we discuss the personal and professional growth that emerges from these shared caregiving experiences, touching on the challenges and the moments of humor that define this vital role.

Explore the emotional landscape of caregiving, as we share anecdotes about managing medical needs and navigating the complexities of chronic illnesses. Jennifer and I delve into her decision to donate her mom's body for research and celebrate the legacies of service and advocacy. 

Discover innovative solutions designed to support caregivers, such as the comprehensive services offered by VivaValet.com, a digital platform that helps older adults live independently at home. Learn about the crucial role of humor and sensitivity in caregiving, and how these elements can lighten even the heaviest moments. We also highlight practical tips and resources from Viva Valet to make caregiving more manageable. Tune in for an episode full of valuable insights, heartfelt stories, and practical advice that is sure to resonate with anyone in the caregiving community.

Visit vivavalet.com for more information! 

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"Alzheimer's is heavy but we ain't gotta be!"
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Speaker 1:

For the first time in my parenting up podcasting life in my life as a caregiver, I had the honor dare I say, the shock of meeting a person who said yo, jay, I think we got the same journey. I think we got the same journey, except I didn't get truncated by my mom getting Alzheimer's. I was like what the hell are you talking about? So there's this chick who is all into caregiving and helping others age well. She became a caregiver really, really young, like way young like middle school and then set off on a life of living globally on purpose. She's originally from America, the United States, and then she said I'm going to live in other nations and I'm going to help people age well and I'm going to force NGOs, nonprofits and governments to get all their shit together and pull their resources together and we're going to get technology and science and make it do right. I was like what? And we're going to design products. I was like you're going to do what? Yeah, and that's what she's doing. And so listen here, people. And so listen here, people. And then at the end of all of that, as she's becoming a caregiver for her mom, she does improv for the world famous Second City out of Chicago. Ha ha. Yeah, I'm like you know what chick you right. You are me Kind of. If my mama didn't like you, live in the life I said I was going to. It's all good, though, we're going to make it happen. Come on, come on, y'all Lean in, let's listen at, like Jay Smiles. If I was Caucasian and Zetty didn't get Alzheimer's, lean in, let's listen, and let's watch. Parenting Up. Caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama. For over a decade I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat. Spoiler alert I started comedy because this shit is so heavy, so be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, ogs and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver. You are in the right place. Hi, this is Zeddy. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast. Is that okay? Comedy and Caregiving Concierge a conversation with Jennifer Cain Berkmose.

Speaker 1:

Today's supporter shout out comes from Instagram the Conflict. Chick Soror, I love you too. Double exclamation point. That means she's a Delta, my big mama going through the same and she is my heart. For those of you who are not from the United States, my big mama means my grandmother. She just told me she loves me more than I love her. I said it's not possible. She said oh yeah, it is, you win Big Mama. Thank you, the conflict chick, for sharing something that happened between you and Big Mama. Listen anytime somebody wants to let me know about an exchange with their grandmother. That's super special. All right, y'all. Review on Apple Podcasts, please. And of course, you can comment on IG or YouTube and that is how you will receive your supporter. Shout out. Our parenting up community is growing so fast I can't put out an episode as fast as we are growing. So text podcast to 404-737-1449 for updates, exclusives and suggestions on topics. While you're at it, share an episode with a caregiver you love. Review on Apple Podcasts and follow us on social media. Subscribe to our YouTube page.

Speaker 2:

Please, it really helps.

Speaker 1:

Parenting Up family. You know we go all over the globe looking for a unique guest and today, boy are we excited. We got a person who knows the inside out and some really unique perspectives and angles. This chick is a caregiver and she knows all kind of data and statistics and technology and app kind of stuff, like she even is connected to the World Health Organization. Who, who, who Like? So not the mute, not the owls and not the famous rock band. Anyway, let's do it. I call a JCB some other people who don't know as well. Not the famous rock band. Anyway, let's do it. I call her JCB. Some other people who don't know her as well. Call her Jennifer Kane Bergmosay. It's Danish and really from Montgomery Alabama. I just eat Danish cheese. So, anyway, put your hands together. What's up, jen?

Speaker 2:

Hi, Jay. Thank you so much for having me on. It's a delight to see you and a delight to have a chance to sit down and talk.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely so. First of all, you're not in the United States. Let everybody know where you are.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so, as you hear from my accent, I'm as American as they come. So I'm originally from Oregon in the US, and West Coast. I live in Switzerland and I've actually lived outside the US for 25 years. Sounds crazy. So I'm actually coming to you from my house in a place called Basel, switzerland, which is in the northern part of Switzerland, and if I look out my window, if I pick up my computer and I walk here in the room, you can see France on one side and Germany on the other, so it's just between the three countries.

Speaker 2:

I often think, you know, after we talked and we met, I have this sense that I have the life that you would have had if your mom didn't get sick, and I think that you and I are really similar in the kinds of live, the kind of training and fancy educations that you did and fancy educations that I did, and and getting a chance to do some really cool work that we felt felt really good about, be it like you know, business, work that we felt felt really good about, be it like you know business, be it philanthropy. We got to do cool stuff. Um, unfortunately, your mom got sick and you had to come back, and I think this is what I'm doing is very much like if you weren't girl, interrupted in that sense by the caregiving journey, you would still be doing it, you'd be sitting in my chair and I'd be sitting where you are hey, and that's why we, together, we're connected and we're about to make this thing work Absolutely so share a little bit before we're going to get.

Speaker 1:

We're going to dig deep into the way we're connected with our journeys. Tell us how your caregiver experience evolved.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so happy to talk about that. Um, you know I can also say I'm a caregiver, both for an aging parent and also I have been a caregiver for a deceased mother now, and also as a child. I grew up as a caregiver so I had multi-generational living in my house growing up. My grandmother, who was, I think, one of the longest living diabetics in the country yeah, I mean, she had diabetes since the age of like 12 and she lived until she was in her late 70s, so she had a really long story. She lived with us and so I was that person as a teenager who had come home from school and like, have to feed her, have to get her out of her wheelchair, you know, change the catheter, take her blood glucose monitoring and then give her her insulin injections. So I had to do that as a child and it was very much what I always expected that I would do as a child. Growing up, my life took a different journey, yeah go ahead.

Speaker 1:

Hold on, Jen, Wait a minute as a kid. First of all, back then, the equipment, the monitoring, the testing, the wheelchairs, trash, everything was weighed like the wheelchair probably weighed more than you did.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

Okay, and the monitoring.

Speaker 2:

Remember the brakes didn't work very well, so it could be like we're falling. You know what? Hold on to me, we're falling. Remember, the brakes didn't work very well, so it could be like we're falling. You know, hold on to me, we're falling.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, how many willies did you pop with your grandmother and you both ended up in the bathtub.

Speaker 2:

A lady will never tell, right, a lady. But that thing saw the basketball court and that was fun. Right, we know that was fun, but you're absolutely right, jay, we know that was fun, but you're absolutely right, jay. This idea of I mean just thinking about blood glucose monitoring as a kid, you know just and remember, because now they're so stealth you barely feel the prick of the blood glucose monitor. Back then we had to just take the lancets and either do it ourselves by hand, which was really savage, or then we had the new technology ones which came. It looked like a, like a, almost like a tape measure, and then you put it, you put the lancet in and it would cock it back and it would press the button and go flying into the skin. Did you ever see those?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's like a dart. You felt like you were playing bow and arrow with your grandparent.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, exactly. So like that start and then you know, squeeze the finger and then put the, put the blood glucose, the, the, the strip on the finger, and then have to kind of look at what does the color say, like how does it match up on the bottle, and then what's the reading? And then do the calculation and then titrate that and then withdraw the insulin and then inject it.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, um yeah, okay, so did you, did you? How did you feel about that Did? Was it just a part of your life? Did you feel like this sucks, I want to go outside, like, why me? Or did you feel like, oh man, i'm'm cooler than the other kids because I have adult responsibilities? Or did you resent your mom or dad for making you do it? What was the deal?

Speaker 2:

Oh, it's such a good question. I, you know, for my grandmother I have to say my grandmother, god bless her. Vivian Viola, what a name. Like don't we wish we all had that name, vivian Viola.

Speaker 2:

She was my best friend, so for me to take care of her was actually a privilege. So I, you know, and also, like let's put it in context I was a kid, so I would come home from school, I would watch her in the afternoon, before maybe I had to go to sports practice or you know whatever club that you might have. So even though I had that responsibility, I still got my time off from that. So as I was leaving, my mom would come home. So I still got to do the things that I got wanted to do as a kid. So I didn't resent it, I enjoyed it and I I mean she, she raised me really. So I got to do that for her and it wasn't a problem.

Speaker 2:

Now I remember the journey that my parents were on and they sacrificed so much because not only were they financially fronting all of it, because there weren't resources associated with any type of care. We had to have in-home care while I was at school, for example. They, I think for three, four years they slept on a pullout sofa and they gave her their bed, because that's what you do, that's what you do, that's what we did for her, because she needed that type of bed. Also, because she couldn't get out of bed by herself. It was a better angle to be able to lift her so that we could, you know, put her on the edge of the bed and then we could lift her up. You know, doing the little dance that you do, you know, like you're at prom, you know dance, you're picking them up. It was that angle was easier to get her out of my parents' bed than it was if she was in, like the sofa bed. Plus, we weren't going to put her on the sofa bed.

Speaker 2:

She deserved. She'd had that long, hard life. She deserved to have the real bed. So I think about that. You know now, would I do that? Like, if my father moved in with me, would I give him my bed? Yeah, I did it. Like, whenever he comes to visit, I do exactly that I sleep on the sofa and I give him my bed, of course, Jen, that was so the rule in my family too, really, yeah, my mom's, my maternal grandmother.

Speaker 1:

The rule was, even if you got sick and you had like a cold or the flu, um, you got to go to grandmom's house and get well and you got her bed.

Speaker 1:

Now, normally what it meant was, like if you were the grandchild, like myself, she put my granddaddy out and you slept with her and then he had to go sleep wherever else in the house. But, like if my mother was sick, then my mom and my dad had to leave our house, come to my grandparents house so that my grandmother could nurture and care for her daughter and my dad just had to leave from my grandparents' house, going to work. Like there was no staying at your own house. This was the way that you would nurture on a family member, and same same as to when, like my grandmother's, when anybody got sick, what would happen is they got air quotes, the big bed, you got the best bed in the house and you got the best bedroom, and then the parents just stayed on the couch or either took over the kid's bed and then the kids ended up on the couch because they took your room or whatever it was. But you're very right, what was not going to happen? The elder was not going to be uncomfortable.

Speaker 2:

No, ever, no, no, absolutely never, considering all that she did in her whole life to sacrifice, and especially, I mean she was blind, she could barely walk, she was rather feeble, she started to get dementia by the end, and I mean the last months we did put her in a home, but we had her with us full time for I think it was four years, I think, which you know again, I loved. I think you were asking earlier did I feel resentful at all as a kid? I never did. I think the only time where it came up was I might like I might've liked to have had time alone with a boyfriend, but grandma was always there, which is a good thing. Like now, I'm like, oh, if I could only have a sick grandmother, like in the room with my children with their significant others, right, I would love to have that situation happening.

Speaker 1:

So you know, you know what there were guardrarails, it was a guardrail that kept you out of stuff that has allowed your life to flourish yeah, 100% yeah, yep, so you, you would. You've been a caregiver for that. That was your first and a very significant, uh, caregiver responsibility, I might add. You're talking about living. That was living, family caregiving 101 at ground zero.

Speaker 2:

At ground zero, absolutely 100%. There was no break from that All in. And also my father is still living and he was a practicing dentist. So I actually worked with him as well. So even from a young age I was doing all the things that you do in a doctor's office, like you know scheduling appointments. I was working in the in, you know, doing the insurance claims, or I was working in the lab, or I was sterilizing instruments or developing x-rays or working, you know, at this chair side making the fillings and putting my fingers in people's mouths, aspirating their mouths. So I was a caregiver in that sense, like in a clinic, also from a very young age, which is also strange, but I'm sure that wouldn't be allowed now, but back in the eighties it was totally fine. And then, of course, grandma home with us and it was interesting.

Speaker 2:

Interesting also, jay, because I'm sure you see a lot of people who are maybe watching or maybe in your community, who are torn in both directions, because there's the variant which is you're living at home with either you move into your mother's house, or your mother moves in with you, or your aging parent moves in with you, and then you have these kind of fly by night, kind of celebrity relatives who fly in right Like the guest stars who fly in and, oh, they hold everyone's hands and maybe they bring a nice gift and they're there for a week and they do everything and they think they've organized everything boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Speaker 2:

And then they fly away and it's like whoosh, what happened? What was that? And they think they did, they think they were caregiving, and and those who are stuck a hundred percent doing that have this incredible resentment. So I remember watching that with specific family members who would fly in um and thinking, oh, this is really hard, because if you move away and you want to help, you really don't. Even though you think you are, you really aren't because you're not there.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 2:

And then fast forward, you know 40 years, and then my mother was in home hospice with Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. Sounds familiar, right?

Speaker 1:

Right, omg. So wait, mom had both, she had both. That's a hell of a combo.

Speaker 2:

She had both which was diagnosed first.

Speaker 2:

So she had Parkinson's and then it was diagnosed as Lewy body Parkinson's, which is the more severe version, because it's really, you know, going after the brain Sidebar. My two best friends, their fathers, died within six months of my mother, One like four months before, one four months after all, with Lewy body Parkinson's. So something in the Northwest was happening in that age group. Was it some kind of environmental pollution or some kind of thing that was driving a mutation towards that or driving the epigenetics of that? Because these were three people that were relatively similar in age and all died within like the same calendar year of the same disease. Very serious, Weird, huh, yeah. So so that that's the thing.

Speaker 2:

Anyway, she was diagnosed with Lewy body Parkinson's and the Alzheimer's diagnosis only came after she died. Because after she died we donated her brain to the local university hospital, Oregon Health Science University, to be a part of clinical trials to understand the brain of the patient with Parkinson's, and they also took part of her gut to understand the relationship of the microbiome to the brain, et cetera. And then they came back and once they'd actually looked at it they saw the plaques that were classic of Alzheimer's. I think that her Lewy body dementia was so bad that we were just like this is what it is. This is just Parkinson's with severe dementia. We didn't even consider that it was Alzheimer's, but of course it was all happening at the same time.

Speaker 1:

Oh my God, and listen, this is my air ghost cheers To you and your family, finger snaps and spirit fingers for donating Not just doing an autopsy for your personal knowledge, but donating her brain and her gut specifically for neurological degenerative disease research.

Speaker 1:

There are so many families who either are not aware or just hesitant to do such right. Because they or just hesitant to do such right Because, who knows, it could be religious reasons or just fear, or just lack of knowledge, it doesn't, I don't know why, but it just doesn't happen enough. And because they've told us that you can't have 100% clarity on a dementia diagnosis unless there is some type of post-diagnosis death examination. And you know, for you, for you all, to let them do that much, you know, really, really huge shout out to the family. You got to get a lot of buy-in and a lot of agreement and that's just hard for many families to do.

Speaker 2:

So first of all, thank you for saying that and I actually have to say thanks to mom because, mom, I don't recall if it was her idea or if it was our idea collectively, I don't remember. Regardless, she agreed. So we discussed it with her and she said you know, again, I know that you've seen, I've seen you in some of the videos with your mom and I feel with you so much because of being in those moments where you really see them, feel them slipping away. She begged for cancer, jay, she, you know, she first of all shout out to you know your mom, I know the story.

Speaker 2:

She's also extraordinary. I mean, all the patents and the life that she had decorated, accomplished, just such a go-getter. And I think you know my mom the same, and my mom had been a locally elected school board member and had. You know now the schools in the state where we lived are the school that she, the school district she was running, is the best in the state, very much due to the zoning that she put in place to build the future school. So she and she also worked on the right to die legislation in the 80s, like it was the first American right to die legislation. So she was involved in writing that. And then she later you know she was always a patient advocate herself she became the chair of the American Diabetes Association, after having been the chair of the Research Foundation for years and raised millions like 50 probably in today's money, like 100 million to 200 million raised for research. And while she was in that role she created World Diabetes Day, which is a UN resolution, like she was part of that.

Speaker 2:

So you know, I think she knew the legacy she had from her living. She wanted to leave that legacy from her own death as well and the disease that she had, because she was trapped in this body where she had in her mind she imagined she would do so much more more and not just like, oh, travel the world, take more cruises. That wasn't what she was after. She was after more impact and she was wanting to be of more service. And so that was her final act of service, which she agreed to.

Speaker 2:

But you know, jay, it was just tragic because she begged for cancer, and what she meant by that was she begged for the sympathy that would come from going through chemo, through going through a surgery, through going through one of these devastating diagnoses, going through the treatment and getting better, because with a neurological disease like this, like a chronic degenerative neurological disease, it is chronic, it is forever, you're never getting better and we both know it's a plateau that you're fighting to maintain every single day, through nutrition, through the way you're dosing your medication, through the way that we were encouraging her with her physical activity, and it was everything we did to hold onto that plateau, which was already unbearable, like already already individual already, and if she, she witnessed her mother battle a disease and fight and then.

Speaker 1:

So she had an awareness of science that many just might not have a need to dig into, and then she knew that her mind and her body were going to fail her in ways that she could not win, and to have that knowledge has to be frustrating, irritating and just daunting, to say the least. So here at the Parenting Up podcast, we do sprinkle everything with levity and humor. Do you have any? Can you recall any stories with your mom or your grandmother during the time where you were caring for them, or even possibly, where other family members may have shared with you things that either they did or you ended up doing, just to make it through the caregiver journey? And you're like this only is funny because of how stupid hard being a caregiver is.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah. So you know, I was talking about my grandmother's journey where she lived with us and we were full time but we had these other kind of guest star relatives that would fly in. I was that guest star relative in my mom's life. So I, you know, because I was living on the other side of the world and my children were really little and I had established my career, et cetera. So then I was that I was that I'm the bad one now, so I'm the one right. So, um, in that sense, I, um, I learned.

Speaker 2:

So there's humor, and I think the humor came at her death, which I can't wait to tell you the story Cause I think it's just hilarious. Um, but you know, she was such a, she was such a lady and she, you know, she's such a teacher through her whole life and very much through her illness and very much through the dying process as well. And before we get to the funny, I'll tell you this the thing that really taught me something that was so insensitive at the time I didn't realize it was so insensitive and now it really changes the way that I look at olders was, you know, again, she had this really fancy life, she'd been working, you know, going to speak at conferences all over the world and doing this really amazing work at the American Diabetes Association world and doing this really amazing work with the American Diabetes Association. She had amassed a really spectacular wardrobe of business suits, right, and so she had gone in and out of hospice and she was now in home hospice and I was like mom you know, we've got a moment to get rid of some of these things that you get to choose where they go. Because she being so service-minded, I was like let's buy, you know, let's, let's go. You know a lot of these service agencies where you can donate business clothing for women who are maybe in halfway houses and they're using that for interviews to go for jobs.

Speaker 2:

We decided we wanted to do that and she agreed to that and I said shall we go ahead and just start sorting out some of your clothes and give those away? And she said, no, like I've put up with this. I put up with that. I will not do this, because those things in that closet remind me of who I was. I'm not that person on the stage in front of a thousand people, but I was that person and those clothes remind me of who I was, so don't you dare take them out of my house before I'm dead.

Speaker 2:

Me of who I was, so don't you dare take them out of my house before I'm dead. Whoa, so yeah, right, exactly so. But that to me it was it. I didn't even you know how insensitive of me as an adult child to say, oh, I don't need these, let's make it easier on me, cause I'm gonna have to clean out your shit later. Let's do this now. No, and I think what that really helps me in the business that we have, it really helps me understand, like, where is that the perspective of the older? How do we preserve their dignity in every way? So, like, don't throw away the clothes, make a plan for it with them, right?

Speaker 1:

She looked at you. She was like listen, lady, not one, not one moment. Too soon you slow down. Your mom thought, lady, hey, don't you be trying to rush this. I'm still here, I'm still breathing and my things have an energy, my items have an energy and they are a part of who I am and I need all my stuff. And also good for you for recognizing enough that you actually talked to her about it. Let me tell you something, jcb.

Speaker 1:

I know some family members, some kids, some some really loving family caregivers that mean the best, that don't even tell their LOs right. Or, as you have referenced, the olders hey, I'm about to start cleaning out your closet or the garage, and they don't say it. The garage, and they don't say it. They just start doing it believing oh, mom or dad or uncle or auntie, grandpa doesn't go in his room anymore, he's not going to see it. But what may happen is some other relative comes in and says oh, so you started giving away your clothes I really wanted you know that jean jacket from when you were in the military and invariably the information gets out, the cat gets out the bag and that LO finds out that you, the one that has been there with them the most sneakily, is giving stuff to family members or to churches or to whoever. And now they're like I can't believe you.

Speaker 1:

Of all people, what Are you just waiting on me to die? Well, just go ahead and stick a knife in my back. You know, like damn nobody trying to do all that. I am hurting too, and I was just I'm. You know, I got all of this time.

Speaker 1:

I'm like you know, because a lot of it too, for those of us, the, the primary caregivers, if you were in the house or you're there a lot you just you have this anticipatory anxiety and this nervous energy, and you're looking around and you just you need something to do, and the walls are starting to close in on you, and oftentimes that busy work just seems like low-hanging fruit and a good idea, and you're not even trying to be insensitive. You just don't know what the fuck else to do. You're just like, oh God, okay, I need to do something, let me just do this right. It rarely ends up a good idea, though. So for anybody that's listening in the parenting community, don't do it, don't ask them about it, don't ask them if it's OK, if they don't bring it up, don't you bring it up. You just wait for them literally to take their last breath and then deal with it. Then, if they don't start giving shit away, don't you ask about it. You don't wait this long.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but there's. So you know, I have very few regrets in my life. That's. That's a moment where I wish never happened, because even though, okay, again, the cloud of dementia there was, you know how long did she actually remember that that even happened? Probably not for long, because I know there were times on those visits she didn't know who I was anyway, right, and. And so I got to give myself a little bit of grace, a little bit of a break. But I wish I never had that conversation. I wish I never did that because it was a disappointment but I think the fun.

Speaker 2:

I'll tell you about the funny story, because my mom was, as you can imagine, very elegant. She loved her red lipstick. She's passed that down to me and my daughter all good. Like she's passed that down to me and my daughter. You know all good and you know the journey of her Parkinson's and Alzheimer's was devastating.

Speaker 2:

She sort of became this shut in, whereas she'd been a woman of the world. She'd been a woman of community, a woman who built community. She did not want anyone to see her, she blocked everyone out and my father God bless him was her primary caregiver until she was in home hospice. And then we had a home hospice nurse who supported her as well. But my dad, you know, the most beautiful, dedicated, loving, like, advocate for like a long marriage of 56 years, just gorgeous. He was there every single day, everything, every, every task he did with love, um, and you know, during that time, she started to become more and more weathered, her hair started to go really gray, her roots were showing, you know, and he didn't put makeup on her, of course, you know he wasn't going to do that, but he loved her, right. And so when she passed, it was beautiful because I was there, my brothers were there, we all had to fly in. Her brother, her brother was there, my dad, we were all there for her as she crossed, as she crossed over, and like what a gift.

Speaker 2:

And you know, when you think about how hard life is, anyway, if you can have a beautiful ending like that, like how great and how loving it was that we were all there holding an appendage saying we loved her until the very last minute. And then, you know, then she was gone and I was like, oh my God, look at her. We need to, we need to get out some great outfits. Her hair is a mess, like there is no way she's going to this hospital to have her brain, her brain donated, like she's used to being there and like being the grand dam right With the perfume and the lipstick and the heels. And I was like, nope, nope, you guys. Like within like five minutes, like the crazy, the crazy in me just unleashed within five minutes. I was like, okay, her hair, no, her roots, are showing she's gray, she looks a mess.

Speaker 1:

And I and I said you got her red carpet ready for for for for her body to be donated.

Speaker 2:

Red carpet, let me tell you, we rolled out their red carpet. So I said, I said to there's me. In full crazy manic mode. I was like, oh my God, she looks a mess. I'd already picked out a really nice outfit for her. Fine, we put it on her and I was like, no, no, this is she's too bare. Like we need tights, you know, we need the shoe, like everything. Like no, no, no, this is she looks. No way she's going to be so immodest. Like, get the skirts above her knee. No, no, no. But I freaked out about her hair and I was, and she's so.

Speaker 2:

The the, this wonderful hospice nurse is like okay, jen, what do you want to do? Yeah, you're right, what do you want to do? And I said we have to dye her hair. Okay, do you have any hair dye? No, okay, well, you need to solve the problem. Then, because the corner's coming, I was like, yes, I do.

Speaker 2:

I grabbed my brother. We're all grieving, right? I mean, she's at this point, she's probably dead for 15 minutes max. I grabbed my brother. I said you and me, we're going to the store, we're going to find hair dye. My, but also my parents live in this village. I think that's just the best way to describe it. It's probably 20 homes like in the middle of kind of nowhere Oregon. We go to the general store. There is one box of brown hair dye. There's one box of hair dye in the whole shop. I buy it and buy some Girl Scout cookies from the girls sitting in front of the stores. We go, race back like dirt road. You can imagine the billowing like clouds and the gravel. I am on a race against time to dye my, my mother's, hair. We dye her hair. She looked amazing. She shows up and she was just, you know, full makeup, full clothing. She was gorgeous. Her last appointment to have her brain donated. She was spectacular.

Speaker 1:

And scene.

Speaker 2:

And scene so and scene Speaking. Speaking of comedy, my dear, like your stand-up I'm improv, like we need to do something together, like this absolutely will, we absolutely will, we absolutely will, we absolutely will.

Speaker 1:

And look at parenting up community. You all get ready for it.

Speaker 2:

Who knows where it will launch, what country, what time zone, but it will be something and it will be spectacular I tell you I wish I had these tools under my belt when I was caring for my mom, because I didn't right um, but now I do and I it's so I mean at j I started. Like part of the reason that I started the company that I did is that I feel that guilt. Right, I want to be able to deliver in-home care services for olders when their adult children are far away, like me. So it's actually a company that we have in Chicago. It's called Viva Valet, and we teach our service providers improv techniques and they use that when they're serving our customers. So, delivering food, they'll do a little game or rides or whatever. Do a little game in the car, and we actually have taught olders in like nursing homes or in senior centers improv.

Speaker 1:

The best, omg, to teach the olders the magic of improv. Okay, you shared very briefly in that two wonderful things about improv and what it can do. Let me tell you being a caregiver. Well, as you know, being a caregiver is what gave birth to my comedy career. But being a caregiver every day informs and sharpens my wit, my improv and my stage persona period End of story.

Speaker 1:

Because you are constantly needing to pivot and keep up with your LO, and I call it the lie of love because you're going to need to lie. And in on the improv stage, you, when you're just what you're doing is you're creating a false reality and you may want to call it something else, but that is also a lie, like whatever you're doing is not really there. You're creating an alternate reality, which you know, yep, and so the more you can do that without feeling as though you are leading your LO astray or causing them some other you know irrational harm, the better. Them some other you know irrational harm, the better. But what I really want you to do please, please, please this has been so wonderful I'm definitely going to have to have you back on for more is to share yes, to share with the Parenting Up community about Viva Valet. I think it is phenomenal, it is fantastic, but I want you, in your own words, to tell them what the service is and why you decided to be involved with the company.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So the briefest overview Viva Valet is the company that we founded. It's based out of Chicago, all of Illinois. Viva Valet is the company that we founded. It's based out of Chicago, all of Illinois. Basically, it is a digital platform that consolidates services that olders need to live at home independently. So, again, if those services are going into anyone's home, the number one thing that every older or adult child is going to want and demand is that it is trusted, vetted to want and demand is that it is trusted, vetted, trustworthy and somehow controlled. So that's exactly what we do.

Speaker 2:

We bring those services together and those services could be food delivery, it could be handyman, plumbing, electrical engineering, these kinds of things, rides, it could be even like tech, like in-home tech, and we're bringing in pharmacy delivery, we're bringing in pet care and things like that. So we put all those things together and it's a tech platform. Yes, and we designed that tech platform with elders. So I'm not kidding. We had a group of people from 75 to 92 who helped us with the interface and all the buttons and making sure everything worked and flowed well. We started with ethnography to understand what exactly they would like to see as services. How might they interact with tech. It's been the super labor of love. So that's what it is that we do, and I believe that we are on the road to expansion beyond Illinois very soon. So stay tuned, especially if you live in a large state in the south and a very long state in the west, in the southwest Very long state. You might be seeing us there very soon.

Speaker 1:

Yay for long states in the west and large states in the Southeast. This is amazing because we want to help as many people as possible age in place, and that's what I'm hearing you say, jen, that this technology will allow people to age in place. So then adult children or family members who are assisting them can feel confident that these resources have been vetted, they are safe, they are trustworthy, they are reputable, whether, like you say, it's pet care, everything from pet care to cleaning services, man tech, the fact that you can have somebody come in and make sure that the telephone is working or the television or the security system and you're not worried that someone is um taking advantage of your lo. I mean, I can recall when, for one of my aunts, when we decided this aunt is going to have to move and it was really because some of her service providers started my uncle passed before she did, and when the service providers started we thought they were taking advantage of her. You know they were coming into the house and they were like overcharging and or coming too frequently.

Speaker 1:

Well, how often do you need to clean the house for one elderly lady, like she's not doing anything, but to have a service like what you're offering.

Speaker 1:

Nips that in the bud, nips that in the bud. So, first of all, I also as a product designer I am so excited that you actually brought in ethnography and focus groups with their peers. You all are really tackling it from the right perspective and not just saying, hey, there's a gap and there's a need, let's throw a lot of dollars at it and, you know, put elderly music on it and a jingle and slap it in the app store and be done with it. When that kind of thing happens, it makes me sad, it makes me very sad. So this has been such an amazing conversation, jen, thank you for sharing about your own caregiver journey and how that has led you to be a part of a company that has a solution to allow people to age in place and to allow adult caregivers, family caregivers, to feel less guilt and less frantic about what it is your LO is receiving. I mean, dude, that's the best you can do is try to offer the world more solutions the best you can do is try to offer the world more solutions.

Speaker 2:

A hundred percent we. It is absolutely about digging into the problem, understanding the people, trying to create something that will help them feel empowered and loved and revered. If you follow us on Instagram, if you follow Viva Valley, we have a bunch of tips that come. We do. You know weekly updates on like. A one minute update of like what's take action Tuesday. What's something that you can do today If you're hot, if your loved one's been in the hospital, what are the things you need to do at discharge? You know when you're, when you're preparing for those doctor's visits. What's the? How do you structure that conversation? What's the one minute house proofing thing you could do to prevent falls? So my founder is also actively a caregiver as well. Maryam Parana she's also providing all these updates constantly. So it's something that we offer, just as you do, and we're going to be offering some courses as well in the future that people can take.

Speaker 2:

I think you and I've talked about how often it's really disempowering for people like us, or the adult children, when you've been through a really critical moment. What do you do afterwards Like? What do you do after the hospitalization. No one's helping us. Like if you have a baby. There's a million people around you who are telling you what you should do and we shouldn't do and what to expect, but now we're really on our own. So, like you say, I think there are. The space is massive, the need is huge. We invite everyone to come into this space because we need so many people to be there to support caregivers like us. We're going to be doing this constantly.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, we're going to be doing it and they we are the ones that are propping up the health care system globally. Yeah, and the more we can feel seen and heard and connected, the better everybody will be. This has been fantastic and phenomenal. Thank you so very much for joining. I have one question that I like to ask all my guests. We close with snuggle ups, and the snuggle up is typically uh, it's my ending to every episode where, excuse me, I offer uh, three snuggle ups where I say, hey, if you just pretty much lean into this thing, that's normally hard, it really sucks, but if you go ahead and lean into it, your life as a family caregiver will be easier. So what would you say has been a snuggle up for you in your life as a caregiver? It could be something that you experienced or something that, looking back on it now, you would consider it as advice for others moving forward.

Speaker 2:

I love this question. So some snuggle ups. Number one snuggle up is related to caregiving, and it's something that I have been hit with personally lately in a caregiving journey which could be towards a parent and also towards other loved ones who might be confronting really difficult diagnoses. So you know, maybe you're already caring for your aging parent and your aging parent is relatively healthy, yet all of a sudden, the dementia diagnosis comes, or the cancer diagnosis comes, or something else that's extremely serious and we'll call it terminal For me. I think you know, you and I, we are women of action.

Speaker 2:

Many women who are listening to this podcast are also women of action and we want to jump into service. We want to jump into helping, healing, hurting, whatever that is. We're going to do something because it's going to, it feels like the right thing to do, it feels what we need to do. It's just an act of devotion and what I have learned through my company and through my personal journey with caregiving recently it's just to pause and to ask the question and to listen. Pause, I'm sorry that you have this diagnosis. How would you like me to support you in this time? How would you like to be supported? And in doing so they may say just love me, just feed me ice cream and let me watch movies or give me the top of the line genetic research. And I want to talk to the top 10 physicians in this and I want to talk to the top three surgeons in the area and I want a second and third opinion.

Speaker 1:

Whatever it is that they're asking for, help them, but before you act, ask them what does it look like for me to support you and how do you want to be supported? That's it. We're going to button it up right there. That is it. Before you act. Before you act, ask Woo Woo, that is so powerful. That is merch. Before you act, ask that is a good snuggle up. That is good in every relationship. That's good at work. That is good in a romantic relationship. I don't know where that would be a negative mantra. I can't think of one at this time. Thank you, thank you so very much. You're welcome. Thank you, thank you. So you said they can find your company, viva Valet, on Instagram. Is there any other outlet or place where they can follow you or support you on any other assets?

Speaker 2:

Absolutely so. First of all, our company. If you wanted to look at the company and sign up in preparation for when we're coming to your area, our company is at wwwvivavaletcom so that looks like vivavaletcom. You can find us on Instagram and Facebook and LinkedIn and TikTok. We have accounts in all those places. Look at Viva Valet. We also have a YouTube channel where we have really interesting talks from often from olders, or it could be mother-daughter combinations, could be gerontologists talking about different things we can do. You can find me personally, jennifer Cain Birkmoza, on LinkedIn as well. I've got some TED Talks floating around out there on improv, if you might want to look at them or not, so you can find those there. I'm the only Jennifer Cain Birkmoza in the world, so it's easy to find me, so just Google away Jennifer Cain Birkboza in the world.

Speaker 1:

So it's easy to find me Google away. I love it. I love it. Thank you so much. This has been so much fun, so refreshing and so informative. Often that someone has had care be such an integral part of their life from ground zero and then that individual remain committed to staying in that genre of work throughout, and so thank you for that. I look forward to connecting and doing something real special with you.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, Jay. Okay, have a good one honey and bless your mama too.

Speaker 1:

I appreciate it. The Snuggle Up. The Snuggle Up. Number one Yo, look for a business opportunity while you are out here caregiving. Jen has hooked up with somebody who is all around the globe doing fantastic things and they decided that they're going to make a valet concierge service for seniors. Why not? How cool is that? You know so.

Speaker 1:

Even in a time and a moment of stress and struggle, there's opportunity. There are gaps, there are problems that you can identify. All right, maybe you're not into technology, maybe you're not an engineer or product designer, but you know people who are good at helping to fix things. You don't have to start off knowing how to be a master pastry chef in order to bake a cake. You follow where I'm going. The thing is, you could end up with a small hobby that could at least alleviate some of your downtime. You could relieve some stress and you may make a few bucks along the way to cut some of the cost of your caregiving responsibilities. You know what I mean? I think that's kind of cool. End up being an entrepreneur on the side while you're a caregiver. Yeah, yes. Number two, yes, number two.

Speaker 1:

Life as a kid who's a caregiver? Oh, omg. If any of you are under 25, I'm still calling you a kid. I know you are legally an adult and if you are taking on the responsibility of caring for somebody I don't care if they are a child or one of your elders or a senior you are then an adult. But in the scheme of the whole grand world, you know what I mean. At 25, you didn't expect to have to take care of a grandparent, a parent and maybe your own kid. That's like multiple generations. But we were hearing from Jen and she was like in middle school, having to take care and figure out diabetes way before they had these. Cool, you just stick it on your arm and wave yourself on across it.

Speaker 1:

Kind of manipulation of equipment For those of you who are young, very young 16, 17, 15,. Maybe you're in your 20s, you're in school, you're in high school or you're in college and you're giving care to someone older than yourself with a debilitating disease, a fatal disease. Baby, my heart pounds deep and heavy for you. You're still figuring out life like the first time around. You haven't even fallen on your face yet, like I've fallen on my face a bunch of times. So I actually know that it's going to be okay. I actually know that I can get up and dust myself off. You may be wondering if shit will be okay and if you, if you will make it. It's a shout out to you just for taking on this responsibility and I hope you can snuggle up to the fact that Jen made it through caring for her grandmother and it actually prepared her for what she does today and she loves it in her career and her passion of helping people age well. So you just never know. So be easy on yourself. Try not to get too frustrated. Take one day at a time. Number three Moments after your LO is deceased, way after they die, can be some of the greatest points of laughter and humor.

Speaker 1:

Jen shared hers. I can share it about my grandparents. Some of the biggest jokes came right after their death and still to this day. I'm sharing that with you right now because I hope you don't put too much pressure on yourselves to make every moment perfect. Oh my god, I don't know.

Speaker 1:

I think it might be towards the end of my LO's life. So I gotta be there every breakfast, every night, I gotta take them on a walk. I got to be the one to change their bedpads or to take them to the doctor, don't put that much pressure on yourself. A lot of the exchanges maybe will even come after they've passed. That could be heavy, but just let it marinate in your spirit and to know that some of the connections with your loved one will come when they're not here.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you don't believe in an afterlife and you don't believe in spirits, then you can just stop the podcast right now and say oh, j Smiles, you went too far, you went too fast. I believe in everything alive being connected. That's me Doesn't really matter if you're Christian or if you are Muslim, but it does mean that you like. That does mean that I am a believer of things that are living, being connected, and so knowing that humor can come towards the final stages of life and even after life, brings me great joy because it lets me know I can't fuck up that badly. You know, because it's never really over. It's never really over, that's it All right, yo, what's up? Y'all? I'm over here just mixing and scratching up stuff and reminding y'all Patreon is open, it is open and ready for you, you, you, you and your mama too. We are loading up things. All things Zetty, all things podcast, all things caregiving behind the scenes, extra stuff.

Speaker 1:

J Smile's comedy is dropping with her own little collection within the J Smile Studio Patreon very, very soon. It'll be less than a month, but you want to go on and get in there because there's exclusives, that's kind of time sensitive to whoever is in there first. We've already had live broadcasts for people who are already in and I'm going to be honest because of, you know, branding matters. So there's some stuff that I just can't say and do on the World Wide Web that I can do in the Patreon pantry. So if you want to see and know and hear and experience more of what's happening between my ears, come to the J Smile Studio, my Patreon pantry.