Parenting UP! Caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles

When Caregiver Roles Detour Your Career Goals

• J Smiles • Season 4 • Episode 20

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What if you suddenly found yourself in a role you never imagined, caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's? Join me as I share my unexpected journey from an accomplished career in engineering, law, and activism to becoming a full-time caregiver for my mother, Zetty. Despite my professional background, caregiving was never part of my life plan.

Through humor and raw honesty, I share the emotional and physical weight of this unplanned responsibility, debunking the myth that caregiving is a natural fit for  me. In this heartfelt episode, I reflect on the shifts in my life following Zetty's Alzheimer's diagnosis. From her love of travel and social justice to my own dreams of living abroad and an interrupted proposal, my story underscores how caregiving profoundly alters life plans.

I explore the concept of choice, showing how embracing caregiving as a conscious decision can help mitigate regret and confusion.

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"Alzheimer's is heavy but we ain't gotta be!"
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Speaker 1:

Parenting Up family if one more person says Jay, I'm not like you, I don't know how to be a caregiver, you were born to do this. You're so good with Zeddy, you love your mama, and you just slide into. What to say, how to hug on her, how to kiss her, what to ask the doctors? You must have been waiting to be her caregiver. Did you want to be a nurse? Did you want to be a doctor? You have siblings. I bet you were the world's best babysitter. Cut that shit right now, y'all. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do it no day. No, how, no, not never. Okay, not never. Just because I do it and I put my whole heart into it Don't mean I like it, don't mean I want to do it and I'm about to set the whole record. Come on, come on. I need y'all to lean in and listen and look and get ready to ask your questions right now. Fold your arms, cause obviously somebody had been gotten misunderstood on J Smiles and this caregiving.

Speaker 1:

Parenting up caregiving adventures with comedian Dave Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama. For over a decade I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat. Spoiler alert I started comedy because this shit is so heavy, so be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, ogs and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver, you are in the right place. Hi, this is Zeddy. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast, is that okay?

Speaker 1:

Today's supporter shout-out comes from Choir Pump. That's, first of all. That's an amazing, amazing handle, so validating. I finally feel like I have a friend who understands what's going on in my life. I'm only six months in with my caregiving. My mom has a brain tumor, so it's similar to what Jay is dealing, dealt with. I'm going to ask my support system to listen. Thank you so much. Purple heart emoji and Choir Punk asked her support or him or her or they, I don't know. Okay, the fact that it was suggested to others also means the world. If you want to be featured on our supporter shout out, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts that's my preference or IG, youtube, all the places Y'all know where. It is okay, but the point is, please review. It matters A bunch. I love you, zeddy loves you A lot. Go vote. When caregiver roles detour your career goals, listen and listen.

Speaker 1:

Well, nobody plans to be a caregiver, and by nobody I mean me caregiver, and by nobody I mean me, I am nobody. I had such a plan. Y'all ain't gonna believe this. I mean, I'm talking about I plan plan. I made list, my list had list. Do you hear what I'm saying? My mentors had mentees, my advisors advisees. I had a whole board of directors, call me Inc.

Speaker 1:

I used to worry the shit out of them. Am I on the right track? Am I going to get where I need to be by 30, by 31.5? I was not a game. I didn't even want to have a plant, because a plant means you had to go take care of it. I would get a goldfish because they were supposed to die after about a month. So if I came home after a couple of weeks and the goldfish was dead, I didn't feel that bad because they weren't supposed to live that long. Do you understand? I'm not supposed to be responsible for nothing alive like nothing. Nothing alive Like the mold on the food from my to-go carry out. Maybe I was responsible for the mold I was growing. That's how much. I might not be responsible for nothing else inside my apartment but me. Anyway, this caregiving thing showed up unwanted and unwarranted. I remember thinking what the hell I do to all of a sudden have all of this? But my mama needed me. Actually, let me back up. My first entree into caregiving was with my mama's mama, glo. Foxy Glo, miss Jackson, if you're nasty, but anyway. That's my grandmama from New Orleans and she called herself Foxy Glo because anyway she was hot, she had lung cancer, but I was in my 30s. I came home to help the family, but I wasn't about to give up my life for it. I'm going to just help y'all While grandmama, affectionately known as Big Mama, for anybody who's from the deep south, from anywhere, if you're black in the whole diaspora, big mama is the matriarch, she's in charge. She tells everybody what to do. Whether you were born to her or not, if you marry into the family, the big mama or the mama is in charge of everybody. So that was my big mama. But I was just going to come home to help out with her and then go about my merry way. And what about my merry way? And what was my merry way? So happy, you asked.

Speaker 1:

Mechanical engineer from Ford. From Howard University. I work for Ford Motor Company. Product design engineering. From Stanford. I work for Gillette Law degree from Cumberland, I work for the Ford and work for the Cochran firm.

Speaker 1:

I spent over a decade working in each of those fields working in Africa and Italy and had created this delicious network of government, private and creative sectors between Southern the Southern part of Africa, not South Africa the Southern part of Africa, italy and Spain, and then the United States, and I was moving between those three continents, shaking and baking, and making it do. I'm originally from Montgomery, alabama, so activism is at my core, so I was creating products that would help young, intellectually stimulated African girls who didn't have the financial resources Get where I'm going with this, so I'm putting together all my passions and my love for travel. I've never believed that I belong to any one city or any one country. Jay smiles as a global citizen. Baby, if you got a son, give him my number. You feel what I'm saying. I belong to these people, to these streets, to these airways. Okay, if I'm a lover, not a fighter, I'm going to eat your food, I want to drink your drink and I want to hug and kiss your babies. I can live anywhere and I have.

Speaker 1:

I had five passports before I was 30, all double stitched in the middle with the extra pages. That's me. I'm your girl. Oh my God. Such a good life, such a good life, such a good life. That's what I was doing and that's what I was planning on doing until I had no more breath in this body. There wasn't room for no man who needed me to come back to his house. Every guy I dated knew, baby, you're going to have to come visit me in Botswana or Bosnia. Okay, if you needed me to stay in Birmingham, alabama, we needed to make this be our last night together. Let's just kiss and say goodbye.

Speaker 1:

So, caregivers, imagine my surprise when my father dies and my daddy dying literally just made my mama have Alzheimer's. I didn't even know that shit could happen. It still baffles me 12 years later that because somebody dies, now you got dementia. I mean because I saw it with my own eyes. I believe it, but other than that, it's kind of like the sun rising every day. I still don't understand it. I just have seen it happen so many times. I believe it to be true, but it's stupid, like racism. Racism is stupid, but it happens, and I've seen it and I've experienced it. Like sexism, so it's true. So now, all of a sudden, I'm like but what about this life that I've worked really hard? Do you know how hard it was to stay not pregnant? I'm telling you. Did I tell y'all?

Speaker 1:

I went to Howard. We never lost the party. We in charge of all homecomings, we are the reason why homecomings matter. Okay, you heard about Drake. Y'all know Drake, the rapper. I don't care where you live, he wears our shirts in his videos. He don't wear nobody else's shirts. We made the party baby.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, I've been to every continent, every one, not six except Antarctica, because they don't count. A lot of people say that I went to all of them except Antarctica, because it doesn't count. Why doesn't it count? A lot of people say that I went to all of them self an article because it doesn't count. Why doesn't it count? There's seven continents and I've been to all of them and hugged at least one person's son on all of them, because that's how you know it counts. You were really there if you met somebody's son.

Speaker 1:

Feel what I'm saying. I'm experiencing this thing we call life. I'm experiencing this thing we call life. Ford had me in Spain when I was 23 and I couldn't speak Spanish. That's how much life I'm trying to live.

Speaker 1:

So when all of a sudden I'm in charge of my mama, I'm like what do you mean? I don't know how to be in charge of nothing. This shit is hard and I don't want to do it. I need y'all to understand. I don't want to be a caregiver. No, I don't want to do it. I don't want my mama to need me to do it. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I don't want her to have the disease that requires her to need me to do it. Do you know how many of my family members or of my friends or the guys I've dated mama the same age or younger and they just the damn fine.

Speaker 1:

I just feel like it's a smack in my face every time I see somebody around my mama's age just driving a car all over the internet taking pictures going to their family reunion, class reunion, and my mama doesn't even realize what month it is or what year it is. It pisses me off. Why, why, why. Now I'm not mad with her, I'm not mad with God. I don't even nobody even be mad with. I'm not mad with God, I don't even there's nobody to even be mad with. Who can I even point the finger at. You're stupid. It's a waste of time. It's a waste of time. But I need y'all to know because I get too many DMs and emails and otherwise things around. Oh, jake man, you find your calling, find my calling, my ass Don't.

Speaker 1:

Nobody want to be a caregiver. It stinks, it sucks. Like I am watching my mama slowly erode and die every day. My daddy slumped dead on the sofa I'm laughing because I'm a comedian and I know he would love that sentence. Slumped on the sofa it's an alliteration Y'all got to give me that. That's funny.

Speaker 1:

But my mama, I'm like watching her forget how to read. I'm watching her forget how to tie her shoe, forget how to brush her teeth, forget to spit out the stanky, slimy toothpaste water. If I, if I can get her to put the toothpaste on the toothbrush and then put the toothbrush in her mouth and then brush, you can forget actually spitting out the toothpaste. Oh, baby, she about to swallow that stuff and I'm watching all of this step by step. Who the hell wants to do that?

Speaker 1:

But then I don't want to come on the podcast or on social media every day and be like, oh my God, it sucks again. There are enough people giving you a reason to be sad. Enough people giving you a reason to be sad. So what I share and what I talk about, it's not a lie. It's sections and sectors of the J Smiles caregiving journey that I feel haven't been shared already by someone else. But this sucks. It's very dark and I doubt a lot. I got to tell you.

Speaker 1:

There are times when I think, damn, if Zetty didn't get Alzheimer's, what would she be doing? Forget about what I would be doing. What would she be doing? Y'all? My mama was nowhere near retiring. What would she be doing? I remember the trip she wanted to take. She wanted to go to the Holy Land. She loved bowling. She loved roulette. She would be in a ass about Black Lives Matter.

Speaker 1:

Trump wouldn't stand a fucking chance. If my mama was alive, in her brain, I don't really know what she would do about it, but his ass would be in trouble, especially because she's a financial wizard, forensic, accountant. She would have scrubbed all his books and explained to him how come he didn't really have none of them billions and how it was all a lie and a farce. A deck of cards, house of cards. Whatever he was lying, he had none of that money. That's one thing. Maybe he would have never been 45.

Speaker 1:

And then, hell yeah, I think about what would my life be. One thing is y'all I was never supposed to live full stop in the United States. I was always going to live between Africa, europe and the US, and now I legit have A permanent residence in Georgia. It's hilarious. For like eight years I had three addresses. Nobody even knew where to find me, and I wasn't running from the mob or the law. I literally just was moving around that much Cause I had those were my interests, were you know, but I don't doubt it like, oh, I hate my life, but it's like, damn, what if I did those product inventions that I thought of? What if I were, I was able to move to the country that I thought about? Maybe I would be married, I don't know. Maybe the man of my life was over there. I don't know, I don't know. Maybe I would sleep better at night Because I would never pick such a dry, sucky climate. I would be in a warm, temperate climate and all of my nostrils would feel better. Maybe I don't know.

Speaker 1:

A man that I like a lot asked me to go half on a baby. He called me out of nowhere said Jay, you're the one, the one for what, the one for what and to do what. Honey. He was like I've been talking to my uncle, I really want a kid, and you've always been the one, you've always been that woman who and he rattled off a lot of very positive and flattering adjectives. I was like damn, now this man was divorced and had two children. He said but you measure up to me as the perfect woman. He gave me all the reasons. He thought so.

Speaker 1:

Now, I ain't going to lie y'all. I was like ha well shit, why are you married to other girl If I'm the one? He said. But he said I didn't say that to him. I thought that. He said I'm older and wiser, I'm able to think things through more clearly. I said got. You said I'm going to come to Atlanta. I want to take you on a date. I want us to think through this. And I was like you know what? You're making some really good points, sir. He was like even if we don't get married, I would like to co-parent with you. I would love to have a child with you.

Speaker 1:

I think being able to say my mother is Jay is like the dopest shit I could do, and I was like I ain't gonna lie y'all. I got a little you know what I mean. I got a little turned on in the conversation. I was like shit, you making me want to go out with myself. If you can read between the lines, it was a matter of weeks or months later when my mother had to have brain surgery. That brain surgery required all of my attention. She was in ICU, she had to learn how to walk, she had to learn how to talk, and that's when they told me she might have Alzheimer's. I was like what? So, of course, when it was time for this guy to call me back and he was like I hadn't been able to get you on the phone, I was texting you. I was like, oh honey, I forgot all about you and that baby, my mama's brain, got a hole in it. The hell.

Speaker 1:

Caregiving is hard. It's not for everybody. I can't say it's for me. I do it, I put everything I have into it, but I can't say that it is for me. What I do know is that my mama is for me and currently what she needs is me to be her caregiver.

Speaker 1:

But I got to let you know how much I didn't plan this and that I had a plan. You know I wasn't finding myself. You know some people are like you know what? I was kind of just doing a little this and a lot of that at a time and then my mama had a stroke and so I was able to go help my mama. That is not what the hell I was doing. No, no, it was a lot of stress. I made a bunch of bad decisions along the way for myself personally, me myself personally. That tickles the shit out of me to do that to me myself personally, and I have not always been a great caregiver for my mother or what others define as great. I made a whole bunch of mistakes along the way, a lot of scrapes and bruises, and I just got better Because I was committed to doing the best I could for my mom and overall, what I knew was if I die or if I end up in the hospital, then I can't give her care, and that's kind of what got me back in line.

Speaker 1:

The hope and the happy came with humor. That's my story. The hope and the happy came with humor. The more I could laugh and joke about how stupid my life was turning out to be. The more happy I saw in Zeddy, the more happy I found in me and the more hope I had that life would be okay. Period, that's all I got, and you know what else. You know what else. Period, that's all I got, and you know what else. You know what else? Parented up family, psst, lean in on this. I stopped fucking planning Game changer. Yeah, I plan what I'm okay, I plan Zaddy's doctor's appointments. I plan okay, there's no gas in the car. I should probably put some gas in the car. Really short-term plans I plan with the team when we're going to put out the next podcast. I got a plan with that. Shout out to my girls yes, we are an all-female team. Boom, waste of production. Such an inside joke.

Speaker 1:

But the long-term, intricate planning that I did before I let that go. It was causing more stress and getting in the way of my happy. So I had to let it go because there was way too much that I couldn't control. Before I was a caregiver, my responsibilities did not have so many tentacles, so I could say, okay, in three months and six months and nine months, okay, I got these plans. And then in one year and in three years, in five years I got these plans. Now I'm like, loosely in this year I want to accomplish this. But it's more like saying I want to eat. You know what I mean. Like if a person were to say do you want to eat or not? That's the way I plan now. Yeah, I want to eat this year I used to say I only want to eat lima beans, you know what I mean. Like I would get that kind of specific Hell with that. Like now I'm like, hey, you know what, if I eat this year, it's a good year. So I have broadened the constraints of how I plan.

Speaker 1:

A main mantra for me is if Zeddy is alive and I'm not in jail, it's a good day. I haven't even been close to being in jail. People, all right Before you'd be like, oh shit, we got to figure out. What the hell did Jay do to almost get in jail? Or was she in jail before? No, when I did my own decision matrix around, what is the worst shit that could happen? Well, the worst thing would be Zed is dead. That's the worst thing on her end. And the worst thing on my end is if I'm in jail, then I can't get to her Right, I can't communicate with anybody to help. I could even be in the hospital and possibly still communicate and or manage her health, but if I'm in jail I can't control my career, her health, my nothing. So I was like OK, you know, if I keep this heifer alive and keep my black ass out of jail, boom.

Speaker 1:

But old school Jay, I would have had 27 parameters of OK for a good day. I need eight hours of sleep. I need this much money in my checking account. I need to have gone on three dates. I need my hair to be tight. Oh bye, don't need all that. Chill with it, chill with it. So.

Speaker 1:

Humor helped because I stopped taking myself, my plan and other people so seriously. So what if people don't call you back? Who cares? So what if that dude breaks up with you? Who cares? So what if you lose the job? Okay, now what they fired you, whatever. Now what? What you gonna do now? So what you got in a car accident? Okay, okay, didn't like it. It sucks If anybody had insurance, filed an insurance If they didn't, ok, but it's over, laugh that shit off. That's what came After all of the calamity and being a caregiver and I figured out how much of my plans just went poof and just disintegrated, like I was like, literally, I had all of these plans.

Speaker 1:

My dad died on January 8th and it's like the very next day all of those plans went to shit just because he died, and like he had nothing to do with the plans. You understand? That's what's so crazy. It wasn't like I needed my dad to actually show up at any other meetings. He was not instrumental in any other plans. He wasn't a player in any of my projects, he wasn't helping invent nothing, he wasn't an investor in nothing, but with the domino effect.

Speaker 1:

So I said, doing all that damn planning, you know what I'm planning to do. I'm going to plan to be as happy and as healthy as possible. Yes, I'm ills, and let everything else fall by the way. Lead by intuition, try to take care of my mom as best I can. Let it be, that's it. And I don't want to be a caregiver. So stop saying that shit. The snuggle ups Number one Acting is like the most unspoken superpower in the world of caregiving.

Speaker 1:

Maybe you even want to consider improv. Obviously, I'm really good at it. Where is my Oscar or my Emmy or my Tony, because I have convinced a bunch of y'all that I like this, that I really am like this robotic. Ooh, I got it all figured out. I know what I'm doing all the time. I'm just hell. No, I don't even like being in hospitals. I don't like bodily fluid. Do you know? I've never seen a needle even go in my own skin Blood the thought of seeing blood makes me want to faint. So this is just about rallying the troops and digging in really, really hard and trying to get the job done for my mama, because when I tell you I am putting forth, shall we say, an EGOT effort. This is what it is.

Speaker 1:

Number two Hitler had a plan. All plans aren't good and all plans shouldn't come to fruition. So that's also what I started telling myself to calm down and let go of the what ifs. How do I know that my beautifully crafted plans were even going to be good for me or the world? They may have caused me ultimately more distress and more harm than I could ever imagine. How the hell do I know being Zeddy's caregiver could be less stressful and have a healthier version of Jay than all my other plans? I don't know. I'm telling myself a story either way. So what the hell is the point of being worried about what didn't happen and living in la-la land and in a fantasy world. For what? No need in it. My grandfather would say, what need in that? It's not going to benefit me at all. And then I'm not present in this life, right here, right now. That's useless. That would be absolutely useless, or, as my therapist calls it, that would be ruminating. To sit here and say, but what if I? And then I would, and then I would, and I would all make belief. So I don't do that anymore anymore.

Speaker 1:

Number three Everything you do, everything I do, is a choice. I fought that concept tooth and nail for so long. But Bernie Roth taught me eh, it's true, the concept is so true. He was one of my favorite professors in grad school at Stanford University in Palo Alto, california. And everything that you do is a choice. Little choices, big choices. You don't even have to put good or bad on it, positive or negative, it's just a choice. Little choices, big choices. You don't even have to put good or bad on it, positive or negative, it's just a choice.

Speaker 1:

I chose to become Zeddy's caregiver. Just because my mama needed brain surgery and had Alzheimer's did not mean that her daughter had to manage her care through rehabilitation Didn't mean I had to decide to live with her and become her full-time caregiver. That was my choice. So since I chose to do that, I'm gonna own it. I think it is totally hypocritical to be a caregiver and then be mad as hell at your LO. They didn't make you do it, because everything in this life is a choice. Shout out to Bernie Roth. My therapist says it too. However, bernie Roth already had me on the choice train way before her.

Speaker 1:

It might be pissing you off too, but you're choosing to be married. You're choosing to live in. Whatever country you live in. You're living in Okay, real controversial. You're choosing to stay alive. It's your choice. If you stay alive today, if you go to work tomorrow, if you go back home tonight, you could just decide to not go back home to your family and they could never hear from you again. What they gonna do your kids, your job, your church. If you just decided to never answer your cell phone and change your name, what can they do? Nothing at all. Oh, they're going to get mad and sad and cry. Okay, and it's a choice that you would have to live with the consequence of hurt feelings by others. All right, whatever.

Speaker 1:

So, anywho, I chose to be Zeddy's caregiver and then I chose to care for her in a way that means I'm ten toes down in her face every day, every freaking day. I'm the caregiver in her face. That was also my choice. So I'm the reason why all of my other life pursuits were truncated. It's not my mama's fault, it's nobody's fault. I chose it.

Speaker 1:

So here I am, totally present, because what would suck is to live half my life present and with my mama and half my life wondering about what would have happened if I lived in Africa and if I lived in Europe and if I had made that thing. That's how you end up nutso and not good at anything, feeling empty and sad inside. I don't like that. How do I know? Because I've gone through those kind of periods in life where you're not committed to shit. You're half here and half there, and a quarter over here and a quarter over there. Now, that would be hard. You can't be two halves and two quarters, because that means you're 150% somewhere For my math. People shout out I know I did the math wrong. Love y'all. You get my point. Yo, what's up y'all?

Speaker 1:

I'm over here just mixing and scratching up stuff and reminding y'all Patreon is open. It is open and ready for you, you, you, you and your mama too. We are loading up things, all things Zeddy, all things podcast, all things caregiving behind the scenes, extra stuff. J Smile's comedy is dropping with her own little collection within the J Smile Studio Patreon. Very, very soon It'll be less than a month If you want to go on and get in there, because there's exclusives. That's kind of time sensitive to whoever is in there first. We've already had live broadcasts with people who are already in and I'll be honest, because of, you know, branding matters. So there's some stuff that I just can't say and do on the worldwide web that I can do in the Patreon pantry. So if you want to see and know and hear and experience more of what's happening between my ears, come to the J Smile Studio, my Patreon pantry. Hey, parenting Up family.

Speaker 1:

This episode I'm giving it in honor to Inga Esperanza Dyer. She died recently. She's very, very special to me. She is a member of Delta, sigma, theta Sorority Incorporated. She's my back. I'm number five, she's number six, we are Autorus 37, spring 1991, howard University. When it comes to being a caregiver. She's a part of the village that I cared for and will always care for all of my life.