Parenting UP! Caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles
Get engulfed in the intense journey of a caregiver who happens to be a comedian. J Smiles use of levity reveals the stress and rewards of caregiving interwoven with her own personal journey. Over 10 years ago, she was catapulted into caregiving overnight when the shock of her dad's death pushed her mom into Alzheimer's in the blink of an eye. A natural storyteller, her vivid descriptions and impressive recall will place you squarely in each moment of truth, at each fork in the road. She was a single, childless mechanical engineering, product designing, lawyer living a meticulously crafted international existence until she wasn't. The lifestyle shift was immediate. Starting from scratch, she painstakingly carved out useful knowledge and created a beneficial care plan for her mom. J Smiles will fly solo and have expert guests. You will get tips, tricks, trends and TRUTH. Alzheimer's is heavy, we don’t have to be. All caregivers are welcome to snuggle up, Parent Up!
Parenting UP! Caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles
The Comedians Care Series: Cocoa Brown on Coast-to-Coast Caregiving
Welcome to our new series - Comedians Care! First up we have multi-talented comedienne Cocoa Brown!
Ever wondered how humor can become a lifeline when facing life's toughest challenges? Cocoa Brown shares her personal journey of balancing comedy and caregiving. Cocoa's parents unfortunately faced devastating health issues, including early onset dementia, diabetes, and cancer, nonetheless, she was able to find ways to take care of them through their last days.
This episode delves into the complexities of family dynamics and the emotional toll of caregiving. Cocoa talks about the heart-wrenching yet beautiful moments spent with her parents, including difficult decisions about their living arrangements and the pressures of managing two households. Through her reflections, Cocoa offers wisdom on maintaining relationships, managing financial stress, and the honor of fulfilling a loved one's final wishes.
Cocoa's journey is not just about caregiving but also about maintaining her flourishing career in comedy. Don't miss this powerful and uplifting conversation with the J Smiles and Cocoa Brown.
Visit https://cocoabrown4life.com/ for updates on Cocoa's happenings.
Host: J Smiles Comedy
Producer: Mia Hall
Editor: Annelise Udoye
#ComediansCare
#CocoaBrown
#ComedyAndCaregiving
#CaregivingJourney
#FamilyDynamics
#HumorInHardTimes
#EmotionalWellness
#CaregivingChallenges
#DementiaAwareness
#DiabetesSupport
#ComedyAndHealing
#CaregivingStories
"Alzheimer's is heavy but we ain't gotta be!"
IG: https://www.instagram.com/parentingup
FB: https://www.facebook.com/parentingup
YT: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDGFb1t2RC_m1yMnFJ2T4jw
Patreon: https://patreon.com/jsmilesstudios
TEXT 'PODCAST" to +1 404 737 1449 - to give J topic ideas, feedback, say hi!
Be sure to leave us a review!
Parenting Up, caregiving Adventures with Comedienne Day Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama. For over a decade I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat. Spoiler alert I started comedy because this shit is so heavy, so be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, ogs and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver. You are in the right place.
Speaker 2:Hi, this is Zeddy. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast, is that okay?
Speaker 1:Parents it up, family, we in for something special, and this is a what Boom, cut, let's go. No, cut and go, we're going to do all of it together. Listen, woo Might go to WNBA today. We have none other than the one and only Coco Brown. It's an A on that, coco too, and if you don't do it, baby, it's Coco now. We know her from a bunch of Tyler Perry stuff. We know her from 9-1-1, her own comedy special. Famous enough, famous enough. I can't tell you how many times I watched that thing.
Speaker 2:Oh, really I watched it.
Speaker 1:And I because, as a comedian who absolutely looks up to you and adores you, I was breaking down three minute segments and five minutes. I was like how did she transition to this and then get that bit? And I was like, yeah, that's tight, that's tight. So, um, we're going to get even more into what Coco has going on now and what's going to be coming up, but it's the parents of no podcast.
Speaker 1:So we're here talking about being comedians who are also caregivers, and so often caregivers don't get enough public shine. There's an expectation, or shall I say, family caregivers? Let me clarify that. There's the expectation that you got to be an LPN, a nurse, a RN or you went to school for it, but then it's people like me and Coco where your folks get sick and you got to school for it. But then it's people like me and Coco where your folks get sick and you got to figure it out, and while the most of the world's like, oh, but you're so good at being funny, I'm sure you could just make everybody laugh and it's easy. Ain't nothing funny? Ain't nothing funny when it's your people.
Speaker 2:You have to find the humor in it. But that initial first year it was hard. It was hard to be given those diagnosis with the two people that you loved first.
Speaker 1:Let everyone know who you cared for. Okay, the order, and I know a little bit of the background.
Speaker 2:Right, right right.
Speaker 1:You were doing double duty, yeah, yeah, which is another whole thing. I care for my mom, but only my mom, and you're a mother. So we're talking about the sandwich generation which I speak on a lot, when you mentally and emotionally and physically, you've got to do something for someone younger than you, yeah, and then your elders, yeah, and when that elder becomes your child too?
Speaker 2:Yes, they don't talk about that. 2020, my father was diagnosed with early onset dementia. 2021, my mother was diagnosed with stage four adrenal kidney failure. Stage five COPD and breast cancer.
Speaker 1:Okay, hold up, I ain't even did anybody know that you could have five stages. I thought stuff stopped at four stages. Real talk? No, I never heard. I didn't know that either. I didn't know either.
Speaker 2:Well, basically it was when you the stage four is usually what they say, stage five, stage four I think they give you that maybe, cause it's a, it's a sliver of hope. Okay, stage five, five is ain't nothing we can do and you just got to make them as comfortable as humanly possible. Um, it's almost like being told they're going to hospice as soon as they get the. I got you know, they get the diagnosis. I, because I had never heard of a stage five before, right, I was like what you know? Um, but I guess that's how her doctor wanted to prepare me for the you know news and it happened fast. I mean, you know, I literally found out what was going on.
Speaker 2:My dad had suffered already with diabetes and his diabetes was bad. Like my father's pancreas did not work. Without insulin my father would die Like within hours, oh wow, because his pancreas had no function. So he was on like literally like anywhere from five to eight shots a day. If he breathed food or anything with sugar in it, he had to give himself a shot. It was crazy watching that my mom's diagnosis was so out of nowhere. So she was healthy she was healthy, she was fine.
Speaker 2:She was fine. But I do believe a very traumatic incident in our family threw my mom into a tailspin of illness. Because when that happened, that's when everything started going haywire, where it was one diagnosis after another with my mother and prior to that traumatic experience that happened in our family, mom was fine and she tried to deny it. She tried to go oh, it's this, it's that she was trying to get, you know, self-diagnosed and then she finally decided to figure out what it was. My mother was having this issue where she was swelling constantly and like puffing up, like her face would puff up out of nowhere, like her eyes would swell, it just, and it kept happening and they thought it was an allergic reaction, what it was. Her kidneys were not processing, her kidneys were shutting down and she had no idea. And that came from years and years and years of my mother having high blood pressure and never having that addressed, like it tore up her kidneys.
Speaker 2:And you know I see now, because you know I lived in LA for 12 years and I was in LA. I was, you know, rooted and booted in LA and after my divorce I was coming back and forth to film with Tyler when I was on For Better or Worse my divorce. I was coming back and forth to film with Tyler when I was on For Better or Worse and I ended up buying some property here in Atlanta, not thinking I was going to have to move, but I moved like a couple of years before everything went down.
Speaker 1:One second, that's what you call success. When you buy some property in Atlanta but you also still live in LA, that's called putting your money in brick and mortar because Uncle Sam will rape you.
Speaker 2:Anyway, uncle Sam will rape you, anyway, Uncle Sam will get you if you ain't got nothing, okay, and I moved here, calling myself going to heal from my divorce and regroup and go back to LA. But then my parents got sick and then it got to a point that I realized they did not have their affairs in order as I thought they did, realized they did not have their affairs in order as I thought they did. My parents did not have wills, my parents did not have medical you know power of attorney. My parents didn't have burial plots. They had nothing.
Speaker 1:Now Coco along the way, had they been telling you, don't worry, we got this. Oh, absolutely Absolutely. All of it's in order and in a file cabinet, in a file cabinet, in a file cabinet In a file cabinet, in a file cabinet In the closet Right, I mean my mom, had a little plastic container with a handle and a latch on it and she said all the important papers are in here.
Speaker 2:So I always knew that. But you know, all these years, my brother and I, we had to laugh about it after the fact. But our parents drilled in us, drilled in us get your affairs order, handle your business, don't be out here slipping. And then we were like but you didn't, but what I had to get? Wills, power of attorney, durable medical power of attorney and conservatorship all at the same time, before my dad's dementia really kicked in. I Right, because he had just had a stroke and he had lost some of his memory. But they said, with the dementia, it might be rapid. Had a stroke and he had lost some of his memory. But they said, with the dementia, it might be rapid, it might be slow. They didn't know. So I knew why he was in his right mind. I had a very small window to make sure that I got medical power of attorneys and I got wills done.
Speaker 1:Now this you said 2020 and 2021. So this is, the pandemic is raging, yeah, and they, the medical world, is saying, hey, you don't even come to the hospital or call your doctor, or call 911. My mom was having a dialysis in full blown, covid, unless you are on the edge Right.
Speaker 2:So you're dealing with two parents on the edge and all this stuff. My father's home going through his situation, my mom's going out every day in full-blown COVID to get dialysis. This is one of the situations that I don't. I will never question God and what he can do. Okay, because I couldn't get to them to be there physically, but ever so often, because of the pandemic, I was able to hire a nurse to go and take care of my parents and to this day, I don't know where I got 11 grand a month from. To this day, I don't know. I don't know, but I was writing that check.
Speaker 1:Nor do you probably care. I don't care. I don't care.
Speaker 2:But somehow during the pandemic and after the pandemic, up until 22, when my mother passed away.
Speaker 1:I literally he go live in grand. Please take care of my parents.
Speaker 2:Like seriously I don't know where it came from, but somehow it always miraculously popped up. I was able to write those checks every week to make sure that that nurse was there taking care of my parents, feeding my parents, cooking for my parents, taking my parents to doctor's appointments. You know, keeping me abreast of what's going on. I mean, I still don't know how that happened, that's right. But God did it, you know, and I didn't skip a beat in my own household. You know, it wasn't you Right, I know it wasn't me.
Speaker 1:That's the point you know it wasn't you.
Speaker 2:It was a full-blown pandemic and most of my I started a couple of businesses that were very lucrative during the pandemic, but I was also still trying to tell jokes online and on zoom, and all that and you were doing very good at that and everybody started laughing.
Speaker 2:I had something, you know, yeah and, but somehow I was able to continue to write those checks and then, when the pandemic was over, I was able to go back to work and god bless me, at one point I was on five TV shows at the same time. I was reoccurring on five TV shows. I was reoccurring on five TV shows. All right, young folks, I was able to go to LA, work, you know, get tested, be on mask on set, get to my parents, you know. You know, I became a million miler on Delta, flying back and forth to Virginia. I know that's right. Because I was having to go so much because daddy's dementia started kicking in and he started forgetting people, forgetting things. We had to hide his car keys because he'd come home and a whole side view mirror would be going and he don't know where it went, you know.
Speaker 1:Okay, yes, well, you know what, dad? We got an idea. We got an idea that the mirror didn't just fall off. You probably hit something.
Speaker 2:So give us the keys. Like running joke, was me and my brother would say go check the bottom of the car, make sure ain't no body under there. But we didn't know what daddy had done.
Speaker 1:You know, like you go check. No, you go check. You know what were the signs Because, with the Parenting Up community, there are a lot of people, coco, who follow us, who are new to the community, and they, they are caregivers. Yeah, kinda they. Just they still stopping by mama's house on Sunday.
Speaker 2:Right After church to check on her once a week.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they might see some slipping, but they don't know. Is this just old age? Do I need to get involved? Yeah, what were some of the things that you said. You know what? No, this is not just some regular old age. I got to get in this, me, my brother, somebody. We got to get a nurse, right?
Speaker 2:now I realized that my parents, even though they were one of the old school parents, that they refused to leave their home. You know, their home was their pride and joy. That was my granddaddy, I offered to put them in an assisted living community. You know one of those like really nice high rises for people 55 and up. I like let's sell the house, let's do this and put the money from the house in a trust and that pays your rent. I mean, I was, I'm, I'm, I'm Okay trust you, better talk it.
Speaker 2:No, trust me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, look, y'all better learn. Okay, okay and um, they just refused to leave the house. And then I realized, you know, my mom was like well, what you could want well, mommy, I can't give up my career because if I come home and I do this 24 7, how am I going to pay for you right? You know you guys are living on a fixed budget on your retirement did that click with with them?
Speaker 1:did they, did they follow you, daddy yes, well see, daddy was different.
Speaker 2:If daddy had known I was doing a third of what I was doing, he would have lost his mind. I had to hide everything I was doing for my dad, like no joke. He found out that I had a subscription for his depends and he went ballistic because I was paying for his depends. So if he had known that I was paying for this nurse and paying for this, oh, he'd have lost it. Mom, on the other hand, was we need more?
Speaker 1:We need more. We need more. Why don't you come home, since you over there doing all that working, come on, send us some more. No disrespect.
Speaker 2:Love you, mommy, but it was never enough.
Speaker 1:It was always something more.
Speaker 2:And I was always going above, trying to be that good daughter, like okay, okay. And it was situations where you know it caused a divide between me and my brother.
Speaker 2:Really, because I was doing way more than him, okay. But I also understood he was in a position that he had a wife and kids, okay, and he had to keep a happy home, okay, and he couldn't do but so much without taking away from his wife and kids. And that was a double entendre for him when me it was like once I realized the situation he was in of not being able to do as much as he wanted to do because certain individuals didn't want to change their lifestyle to accommodate what needed to be done.
Speaker 1:Okay, certain individuals let's just keep it one-handed Picking it up, got it. Certain individuals didn't want to change their lifestyle. I had certain individuals in my family too Is that on the other like black, white, asian.
Speaker 2:Certain individuals that's a new box to check Didn't want to change the lifestyle to accommodate my brother helping me and it almost caused a serious divide between me and my brother. But when we finally it was literally after my mom passed because daddy passed first and mommy that we had a conversation and I had to accept and understand the position he was in. I had no one to answer to, so everything I did, unless my kid, and my kid at the time understood the assignment. I've been blessed with a very mature kid to get stuff and he knew that I had to take care of grandma and papa. Right, you have one child. I have one child.
Speaker 2:I've been blessed with a very mature kid to get stuff and he knew that I had to take care of grandma and papa. You have one child, right, I have one child, and during the time he was like 9, 10. And he kind of got it because he didn't see anything missing in his life, even though I was taking from us and trying to replenish it to Like he didn't know, because I made sure he didn't know that, okay, we may not be able to go to Disney this year, but let's go to Six Flags, that's right.
Speaker 1:What we still going to do is be on some rides. Right, we're going to be on some rides, get some cotton candy and we're going to be outside. We're going to be outside.
Speaker 2:We might just be able to go and stay in Florida for a week.
Speaker 1:Listen black women make it work.
Speaker 2:Right, because I was still of those things that I began to see daddy, when dad couldn't remember certain things and dad's personality began to change. My father was a very distinct man Okay, Like his personality was very distinct. Quiet man, a few words, but when he spoke you stopped. That man would drop a gem on you and you'd be like, and then he'd go right back to watching Andy.
Speaker 1:Griffith when he wasn't even there. I love those kind of people, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:My dad. He would just be sitting there talking you know what love bug and he would drop something and he'd go right back to watching. You know, texas Walker Ranger. That's right, like it off that one phrase. And then, when I saw his personality changing, where daddy started being way more talkative, that was a sign to me, because my dad was not a chatterbox.
Speaker 1:Listen, parents in our community, we're going to take just a sneak of a button on that. That is what comes with being a family caregiver when somebody has been locked in Because someone who didn't talk a lot, who now is just talking more, a doctor or someone in the hospital wouldn't say, well, what's wrong, that's not anything. But you're like, oh, what's wrong?
Speaker 2:That ain't my daddy, that ain't my daddy, that's not how my daddy is. Me and my dad could sit in that Florida room. He'd be in his favorite lazy boy. I'd be sitting on the love seat and we'd be watching old shows like Gunsmoke. Yeah, you know, and you know caught right and it'd be silence. It was like me and my father had a relationship, that we could have silent conversations. I always say that, okay, that's scary Me and my father. We could literally be sitting.
Speaker 1:That's very scary.
Speaker 2:I mean, like seriously, we could laugh at the same time and he'd look at me and I look at him like you know what I'm saying and it's like we, we knew like that was crazy, or whatever. So when my father became a chatterbox and then it was to the point that he wasn't making sense okay, that was the like. Okay, wait, dad is talking way more and he's not making sense that's when I knew the dementia was kicking in. Uh, when he would be like uh, uh, uh, call, call. I'm like call who, daddy? Call the woman down the hall, your wife, you know. And you know it got to a point I literally made a joke about this that towards the end, my dad's dementia got to the point that he thought I was his wife. I'm Love bug, I'm Farrah, you know.
Speaker 2:And he's like baby sweetie and I know he called my mama baby and sweetie. He called me love bug.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying? Only Farrah, when he was like seriously like, mad at me.
Speaker 1:Very not happy, yeah, not happy.
Speaker 2:Yeah and so. But I remember you know how God is so good when they brought my dad home, when they said there was nothing more that they could do and we put him in hospice and he had mentioned to me before he got sick that he wanted to be in his own home. He didn't want to be in nobody's hospital, and I promised him that and we set up my brother's old bedroom for the hospice people and all that. And I remember that day I was at the hospital. My dad was comatose. They had doped him up so much because of the pain and stuff him up so much because of the pain and stuff. When they walked him through that door that night I had my daddy. He was talking. He was so normal, it was freakish, I don't know what it was. He was like love who won the game tonight? Love, I want some oatmeal. I'm like I just left you in the hospital hours ago and you were comatose.
Speaker 1:You were doped up and then you're coming through the door and the guys are bringing them through.
Speaker 2:Hey little boy, hey little boy. And I'll never forget. I said I thank God for this every day. I had not heard my daddy say he loved me in a while Because of the dementia and everything, and I'll never forget. I was in there and daddy was just talking. It's nice. It's nice Because I had hooked the room up.
Speaker 1:The hospital bed was in there. There's.
Speaker 2:TV. You know all this stuff, some stuff from home like a blanket or something like that he was home. He was home. He was at our little childhood home. He was just in my brother's room. That's right, and I'm like okay, okay. I said you want peanut butter in it Because my dad would put a scoop of peanut butter in his. It was crazy. I'm going to have to try that.
Speaker 1:I eat oatmeal. I never heard about putting peanut butter, my dad would put a scoop of peanut butter in his oatmeal.
Speaker 2:Let me tell you something my dad cooked some very strange things for us when we were growing up.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I'm going. I love you, I love you, pop. He goes. I love you back, little bug. I had not heard those words. I had not heard those words in so long and I remember I just froze and I looked back at him and I said, God, I love you. You know, I love you back. Love you back, little bug. By the time I went to the kitchen and came back with his oatmeal he was back to being comatose and when I asked the hospice nurse what the hell was that, she said it's called rallies. Yeah, it's called rallies. I didn't know anything about rallies. Yep and uh.
Speaker 1:I learned about him the hard way, much like what you just described.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's like God gives them one more chance.
Speaker 1:To tell the people they want to goodbye. Yes, say something sweet, but for him to call you love bug, right, which is what he always called me. The peanut butter and oatmeal. Whatever that exchange was. That let you know. This is my daddy talking to me.
Speaker 2:I have a video of me feeding my father like a baby Because he couldn't feed himself anymore, and I'm doing airplanes with my father Airplanes, you know what I'm saying and he's looking like a little baby laying there. And to hear him say I love you back, little bug. I hadn't heard that in so long. You know he would go into these moments. What did you? Do I froze.
Speaker 2:I froze and just was like you know, and I kind of looked back at him and he was just kind of grinning and I kissed him on the forehead. I said I'll be right back with your oatmeal. All right, little bug, all right. And by the time I got back with that oatmeal he was back in that. Uh, you know state.
Speaker 1:Comatose.
Speaker 2:Comatose. He wasn't comatose, but he was like gone Right and then we lost him. There was no later and he didn't utter another word other than moans and groans. I remember a funny story when he was in the facility before we brought him to brought him home, you know, the hospice to bring him home, or whatever and I remember they called my mother and said he keeps asking for love books and we figured he wanted you and she said nah, that ain't me, that's my daughter, call her.
Speaker 1:Like they literally thought he was asking for his wife because he kept asking for love, but it must be his wife, and that sounds, she said nah, that ain't me.
Speaker 2:That's his daughter Call his daughter. That ain't me Like he was like call that other one.
Speaker 2:He became like my child, like when he would. They would have him doing a little therapy and stuff, you know. And the nurse, she was so sweet at the at the facility and she would call me on FaceTime and she said and she said, look, mr Brown, love bug on the phone, love bug, look better, go boy. I know that's right, you better pull. It was like talking to my son. It was like my son because he was like a little kid, just so happy and I'm like I'm literally raising my father. He was happy to make you happy right which is what I have found.
Speaker 1:I'm in year 12 with my mom and it is amazing, um, just the other night, when what I noticed was she smiled harder because I was smiling she don't even know what the hell I was smiling, and laughing about, but because I was smiling and laughing, she decided to return it.
Speaker 1:So it does become this um, in the role reversal, there becomes periods where, well, I found there are periods where they dig in and they are so happy that we the kid looks happy or looks settled or has something to say we look proud of them. Your dad's like, oh, I'm making love proud, yeah, and those small things is what I really in my head as being a family, caregiver, advocate, had, as being a family caregiver advocate.
Speaker 1:I stress so much to politicians and to lobbyists to say, hey, there are things that family caregivers can do, that no hired help or trained medical position person will ever be able to do, and y'all got to figure out how to take better care of us, because there are people now. You were, you had, you were able. The eleven thousand dollars came from somewhere, it came from somewhere. Take care of everything, because I still ain't got it now I wish to god.
Speaker 2:I did, I don't know where it came from lord. But thank you, jesus, I know that's right tides and offerings I gave, and that's right came back. That's right. It came when you needed it.
Speaker 1:It did. It did so often for family caregivers. They lose their job or they become underemployed and then they're having to move in with family members.
Speaker 2:I tried to get my parents to move in. I bought a home with an in-law suite just for the anticipation of mommy and daddy coming to live with me, and they refused yeah. They both got their wishes. They both passed in their homes. They both got their wishes.
Speaker 1:Daddy passed in our from the bottom of my heart.
Speaker 2:Congratulations they both passed where they wanted to and that was at home.
Speaker 1:Um, that's a. That is, that's major. So many, so many families aren't able to give that wish. Yeah Right, I just thank.
Speaker 2:God every day because you know it's funny. I laugh all the time. I said my daddy probably in heaven right now, laughing that I finally listened to him because he used to fuss to me and say money burn a hole in your hand.
Speaker 1:You can't keep no money.
Speaker 2:You need to put something away for a rainy day. What's wrong with you? And because of that, I finally listened to him. I think that's where that 11,000 came from. That's right. That's where I was able to do the things, cause they, you know, this country is ridiculous with medication. Yes, they are ridiculous. Well, my father had a medication that costs $780 every month. That's the one my mom was. That's crazy. To me it is. It's like they want us to die Fast. Who can afford that? Not many. My mom had one for $1,100 a month and I'm thinking are you kidding me right now?
Speaker 1:Right, and that's one pill. As if they were on one pill. That was one thing so she could breathe.
Speaker 2:That was one little pump. Yeah, what do you call it?
Speaker 1:A breather or something. Yeah, yeah, thing yeah, and I'm thinking to myself what the devil I said.
Speaker 2:Can we move to England?
Speaker 1:Let's go to Canada.
Speaker 2:That's right, they got universal health care.
Speaker 1:This is ridiculous and they'll just drive by and drop it off in the mailbox.
Speaker 2:Seriously, it is ridiculous, but you know, it's so funny to me because, you know, mommy, daddy, I knew was happening and I made such a peace with it, you know, and I was so grateful because my father, like I said, my father and I I was a daddy's girl. I was a daddy's girl, hands down. I think sometimes my mom was a little jealous of our relationship because she would make comments like oh, if love book cooking and honey, he gonna love it. I don't care, she can fry a piece of doodoo and he love it. You know, and I used to be like cause my dad loved my cooking, you know, and I used to be like because my dad loved my cooking, but I also had taken all of his mother's cookbooks, All of his aunts, all of them.
Speaker 2:Country women gave me their recipes and I learned to perfect them for my daddy.
Speaker 1:So I could make his mama's biscuits. You did Okay, I could make his mama's biscuits.
Speaker 2:You put the work in. You know what I'm saying. So whenever I would come home, I would say to him okay, what's the menu while I'm here, Papi, you know that's right, I sure like them. Pork chops, you do the pork chops. You going to do the pork chops, I'm going to do the pork chops, daddy.
Speaker 1:I'm going to do the pork chops. I don't need them. Pork chops you going to do that gumbo I'm going to do that gumbo, papi, I spoiled. That's another thing, I try to really encourage to family caregivers, because sometimes the medical profession will say, well, don't do that. You should make them be more independent. Listen, fuck that. My mom has gone through enough and if something that she needs, I can actually give her, she's going to have it.
Speaker 2:My dad loved my chicken and dumplings. You think I ain't stopping to store on the way home and get them chicken and dumplings to make. And dumplings, that's what he gonna do. That's what he gonna do. You know what I'm saying, just like my mama's. I know, daddy, because I got the recipe you know, whatever my mom. You know she was.
Speaker 2:She was dealing with so much emotionally because of that traumatic experience that had happened, that I think, threw her into that tailspin of her sickness and you know she was processing that, but also being told that you ain't got much longer and unfortunately it came out in a different way with her. You know what I'm saying. The patience I had to have with Shirley Okay, because, honey, that mouth, I know where I get my slick mouth from Okay, but I wasn't ready, wasn't ready to have it thrown back on you, just in a way that I knew she was angry, she was hurting, she was scared. It taught me such a level of patience to not get invested in what was coming out of her mouth. But seeing her spirit I had to look beyond.
Speaker 2:I had to go deaf and just look at her heart that she was hurting, she was afraid. I remember when my daddy did you get there?
Speaker 1:Let me just ask you this Did you get to that point? In the middle of it yes, in the middle of it, was that prayer meditation, the Holy spirit just picking my battles?
Speaker 2:Okay, picking my battles and Picking my battles, and then shout out my mom's caregiver. Oh my God, this woman was absolutely amazing. Like she would call me, like my mom would go to the emergency room, she'd look, it's like it became a thing Okay, whatever, and I would be jumping on a plane canceling shows, jumping on a plane running home, and I'll never forget that one time. I'll never forget it. My mom called me. Oh, the Lord's coming child, I feel it. It's the time.
Speaker 1:That's right, elizabeth, help me, I'm going to cancel some shows.
Speaker 2:And I'm going to hop on a plane and her caregiver, her nurse, she calls me and she said don't you go in that day, I'm going to play what? And I said what do you mean? She said I'm going to send you something. Five minutes after I hung up the phone, she sends me a video of my mom. I sent it to you. She's on the phone with me, right? Oh Lord, you're coming to get me. I can see the angels, lord. She sent me a video of my mama in the room talking about, yeah, the daughter coming in.
Speaker 1:She told me to see me later.
Speaker 2:Yeah, uh-huh, she get on a plane right now. I'm like how come you were just on the phone with me, like you about to die, and she called me and I loved her for that, because and that's- why I still to this day. You know, I absolutely love this woman, I take care of her. I still send her Christmas cards and birthday cards, you know, because she would get you on the plane, because she was like she's faking, she's faking, she's trying to get you home and so then she would tell her well, farrah can't make it, why?
Speaker 2:Well, she just you know, and she would be the heavy for me sometimes. That's beautiful, the person that traumatized my mother. They would try to come see her and she would not answer the door. Come see her and she would not answer the door. She said, no, we're not doing this with them today. I know that's right.
Speaker 1:We're not doing this with them today.
Speaker 2:Shout out those high caregivers that become a part of the family, and she called me and said you know, so-and-so came by, but I just didn't answer the door because your mama didn't need the day. I was like thank you, yes, Thank you, I appreciate you. You know what. I'm such an amazing woman. Like I said, we consider her family she had my back. She was there because my mom passed in my arms and she was there. Whoa Hold on.
Speaker 1:Coco. We need better transitions. Okay, I'm sorry you just went right from the funny into the in the arms. I don't even know if there was a pause. Was there a comma in that? I ain't hear, no, I ain't feel.
Speaker 2:No comma, I guess that's my way of processing it. Well, that's fine. I'm going to try to catch you, because I always say I was.
Speaker 1:this may sound crazy, but I always say Well, you all at home, y'all at home. You said y'all, you were home.
Speaker 2:My daddy passed in front of me. My daddy took, I had just gave him his morphine and I had went in the guest room.
Speaker 1:This is real.
Speaker 2:And I had baby monitors in my mama's room and my daddy's room just so I could hear them Right. And I was in the guest room and my son was in my old bedroom and I just gave my daddy his medication, kissed him on the forehead you know, I knew he couldn't. You know I knew he could hear me and I said I'll be right next door, papa, you need me. I laid down, I was praying and I was actually just thanking God that he had given me the ability to take care of him. I was just thanking him, thanking him thanking him.
Speaker 2:And as God is my witness, as I was laying there, praying, I felt a weight on me.
Speaker 2:This is so real, right now, I felt a weight on me, okay, like somebody laid on top of me, and I was like okay, okay, I said God, okay. And then I heard my daddy say oh. And I jumped up, cut the light on Daddy, looked at me, took that last breath and I say to this day I feel that was his spirit passing through me. That was him saying goodbye. I feel that in my spirit I'm with you.
Speaker 1:I believe that. I believe that, and I'm not just saying that because we sitting here talking. I had to tell my mother her husband of 54 years was gone.
Speaker 2:I had to go in the room and wake my mother up and say Poppy gone, what's crazy is? My son was there for both of his grandparents passing and he slept through everything. He slept through the nurse, the hospice nurse coming to to confirm daddy was gone. He slept through this funeral homecoming to get daddy's body. Slept through it all.
Speaker 2:When my mom passed, uh, she had just gotten out the hospital. She was having some issues and they were trying to get her to go to hospice, but she didn't want to go. She refused I ain't going to hospice. I said, mommy, they're saying there's nothing more you can do. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I was okay. Whatever you know, we're going to let you have your moment I will give you, I will honor your wishes. That's right.
Speaker 2:And in LA, filming 911, I believe and her caregiver had called me and said I need you to get here. Your mom is in the hospital. I said, ok, as soon as I finish filming I'll be there. So I literally flew from LA, went to Atlanta, grabbed my son, flew to Virginia. I had been home. I got in that day about noon-ish. That night me and my mom were going to watch queen sugar and my mom was having some bowel issues right and, uh, she kept going back and forth to the bathroom and I was messing with her kid would you get my mama? You know whatever. And I remember I was on the phone with a friend of mine making sure. They called to make sure I got into virginia and I heard my mama say farrah, and I ran the room. She was in the room, she was sitting there in bed and she said baby, baby, you know I got to get to the bathroom. I said mama, I ain't going to make it. I said ma, just do it right there.
Speaker 1:That's right, just go, we're going to clean it up.
Speaker 2:We can clean all of it up. And she was like I got to go. I got, but when we went to get her to say okay, let's lift you up, we realized it was blood. My mother had an internal aneurysm, she had a rupture and she bled out. She bled out right in front of me.
Speaker 1:What in the hell?
Speaker 2:And I remember her caregiver. We realized it was blood she mouthed to me call 911. And I called him and I said this is what happening the whole time. My mom is talking regular she's like oh lord, she's like oh, lord, y'all gonna have to clean up all this crap, lord, and she's not realizing what is blood shooting out of her? That's blood right and um, I remember, uh, you just wiping her feet. She said Farrah don't let it get on the carpet. And I'm calling myself and I'm seeing the blood.
Speaker 1:But that's old school. I can smell the blood, but she's still concerned about her wound and she's still thinking she's going number two.
Speaker 2:Yeah, not knowing this is what's happening, that's right. And then, as I was cleaning her feet, she her feet. She fell on me and I yelled. I yelled for her caregiver, I yelled for her nurse and I got up and I lifted her off of me and I was like mommy and she, I said roll back. And she was throwing at the mouth and she was mouthing something and I said daddy's calling you, ain't he? I said daddy's calling you and she was just mouthing. I said it's okay, go be with daddy, go be with daddy. And I remember they came into the ambulance and they were trying to resuscitate her and I said look, my mother has a dnr. We just do not resuscitate, right?
Speaker 2:that's right I said hold on.
Speaker 1:I said real talk, my mama has a dnr right, and this is part of that, just for any look all parents enough community anybody new listening? Dnr United States, western part of the globe. Dnr means don't help me, stay alive.
Speaker 2:Like if the Lord has decided I ain't supposed to breathe then leave me alone and I remember my neighbors because, you know, we grew up in a great neighborhood, because all the neighbors were coming up, because they saw the fire truck and the ambulance, the paramedics, everything, and they were coming over, you know, and they brought, they took mommy out and and I knew she was gone. I knew because I saw it. Yeah, I watched her. She was talking to somebody.
Speaker 1:I said you're talking to daddy, daddy calling you, and she was just talking and as close as you were to your dad, and you were there when he transitioned. But she's amazing.
Speaker 2:My mama prepared me for that moment because literally the day after my daddy's funeral, I remember me and my mom were sitting on her bed. My mother was as sick as she was could still sit on a bed completely Indian style. Are you serious, as God is my witness?
Speaker 1:And I realized I sit like that.
Speaker 2:How she did I sit like that when I sit on my bed? I'm the same way. My mother was 77 years old with all her ailments. I could sit perfect indian so y'all just got all. Of your hips and your knees are good, all right so, um, I remember we were sitting in the bed and, uh, this was the day after my dad's funeral and we were kind of just talking and she said baby. And I said, yeah, mama. She said I don't know how much longer I'm going to be here.
Speaker 1:And I'm like, ma, Don't start that.
Speaker 2:And I'm like ma, and she's like I don't know how much longer I'm going to be here because I don't know how to live without him. I don't know how to live without him. And eight months later she was gone. Go be with her baby. And you know what's crazy, when I I got to the hospital because I followed the ambulance and everything, and I got to the hospital I knew she was gone. But when I got there, you know, and I'm sitting there and they came out, the lady came out to do intake forms and then she said wait a minute, Are you here for Shirley Brown? I said yes, ma'am. She says does she have a DNR? I said yes, ma'am, I knew. Then, you know, I said they came and took me to the back room. That's when they told me my mommy was gone and I had my brother on speakerphone and he was actually hauling tail down from Maryland to get to Virginia because I had called him like mommy's on the edge.
Speaker 2:Because he had just left. He had just left what's crazy. Both times he had just left my daddy, he had just left my mama. I said so. I guess it was meant for me.
Speaker 1:Because he had just left, like the day before. It was crazy. I believe your parents want to do that. Yeah, I don't know nothing. I believe them. It's like my mother waited for me.
Speaker 2:It's like my daddy waited for me and my mommy waited for me to be there and I remember I went in there to see her to ask me did I want to see her? And I said yes, and I went in the room and I saw her and then she had a smile on her face. She was still warm and she was laying there With a smile on her face and she had the sweetest, most peaceful smile on her face. It was crazy and I said you with daddy, ain't you?
Speaker 1:She's like I'm good she's back with her baby. It's like I hope you all right because I'm good.
Speaker 2:She said I don't know if they told you when you see that vein going around.
Speaker 1:No, I know about the vein.
Speaker 2:Okay, so that's when they're getting ready to Really go. And so the hospice nurse that day, the night my daddy died, that day the hospice nurse came to check him out and that vein was just. I mean, it was like this and she said that's a sign that the heart is overworking, because the organs are shutting down Gotcha.
Speaker 2:And she said it was very close, okay, and I remember my dad was just moaning and oh you know, yeah, and I had given him morphine and I remember I whispered in his ear. I said you worried about sweetie, ain't you? That's my mama, mm-hmm. I said you know, I'm going to take care of her. You know I'm going to be a little man. My dad, my brother, little man, I said he going to be high. I said well, you ain't got to fight, daddy, it's okay. And, as God is my witness, he stopped moaning and he went to sleep.
Speaker 1:You knew what to say.
Speaker 2:You were so close to him.
Speaker 2:You knew what to say to ease his spirit, because I don't know who he was talking to. He was, you know, we were like Daddy Poppy Poppy, whoever was calling him, and so I told him I said you're worried about Sweetie, aren't you? I said, now you know, I got her. What you worried about he's like all right. And it's literally like he calmed down. He's like all sis, I wasn't supposed to be there. No, you weren't. I was constantly traveling, working, filming. I was overseas. How I was there For those two slices of time that won't number, god Okay.
Speaker 2:With the $11,000, two slices of time.
Speaker 1:I still don't know where that came from, and I wasn't the only fan of none, at least not under Coco Brown. You know what I'm saying, okay.
Speaker 2:But it's crazy that you know. I looked at how lucky I was, blessed I was, that I was in a position to take care of my parents yes, give them their wishes and be there, like I remember. At both their funerals I said what an honor it has been to know that they were there when I took my first breath and I was there when they took their last. What an honor, what an honor. And everybody in the church you hear people go, you know, because I meant that they were there for me when I took my first breath.
Speaker 1:And I was there for them when they took their last.
Speaker 2:That's it. You know, and I remember going home this past Mother's Day and I was. You know, a lot of my family is buried in the same cemetery in Hampton, virginia, and I was. I went by Michael's and pretty much wiped them out of all silk arrangements and I was putting, you know, arrangements on my parents mausoleum yes, because I got my parents the mausoleum where they're buried together nice I didn't get them separate.
Speaker 2:Like right I got a mausoleum yeah, because they go together and mommy's right on top and they're the same, they go together. And um, I said y'all stop stealing my parents, because I know they ain't dying. They can't die. They still where they go. I was working in Richmond at the Funny Bone. I drove down to Hampton. I said I'm going to do this, I'm going to go visit mommy and daddy, and I put flowers on theirs and I said well, let me go see everybody else. And I found my great grandparents. Really, I didn't know they were buried out there.
Speaker 1:Just roaming around you, just roaming around in the cemetery I went to my grandmother's.
Speaker 2:I went to my grandmother and my grandfather's grave sites, yeah, and then I looked over and I said uh-uh.
Speaker 1:You had never noticed it.
Speaker 2:I never knew that. My great-grandparents were right there, never knew. And then my uncle that died before I was born my Uncle Bubby was right there, never knew. And then my uncle that died before I was born my uncle Bubby was right there. What so? Next thing I know I'm literally walking around the whole cemetery it's a family reunion of spirits With a big old basket of flowers?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And I'm putting flowers on my cousin Reggie, my uncle Frank, my aunt Alice and I, literally, and I went back to Michael's twice you had to Because I wanted to get more flowers, because I was finding more family members, right, but I felt, I felt so like, I felt their spirits, I felt their energy. You know, I cried all the way going down there. Yeah, I cried all the way going down there and I came back just reminiscing about, you know, the parties at Uncle Frank's where he let me sip a little bit of his beer you know and my grandmama, you know my grandmama you know telling me, honey, you don't fry chicken or fish in nothing but a cast iron skillet.
Speaker 2:It ain't real if you over. You know.
Speaker 2:I just went back to Richmond and did my shows that night and just felt so connected to them. You know, people like, how did you get over? How you? But you gotta stand the honor, yes. And then the blessing of it all that you know and trust me, I'm not rich sis, I'm not over here bawling. You know I got two paid off cars. That are what 2008 and 2015 like I, you know I I just my father, I know is in heaven going. She finally got it and learned how to keep a dollar, save a dollar right because you can care. Two households now. Then get two households and three people my mom and my daddy and my son.
Speaker 2:That's right so I had to learn and you figured it out quickly, right, but it's like for real, for real, just knowing that. What gives me peace is that in no arrogant, cocky way whatsoever, I know I was a damn good daughter. I know, that's right, I was a damn good daughter. You know what I'm saying, I know that's right. Can't nobody ever take that from?
Speaker 1:me.
Speaker 2:Period Ever take that from me. Period. And I gave them what they wanted and I still honor them. You know what I'm saying and it's like you know, and they both chose to take that last breath in front of me.
Speaker 1:Coco, at the end of every episode I have a segment called the snuggle up. Basically, it's just if you got to tell any caregiver, a family caregiver, hey, if you just snuggle up, just scooch on up to this one thing, this one piece of advice, your journey as a caregiver will be a whole lot easier. And we're going to shake this to say we are now doing a snuggle up segment. So what you got?
Speaker 2:I know it may be hard and tiring and frustrating, but just know, take it as a badge of honor that you can, because there are people who throw their parents in nursing homes, convalescent homes, and never, ever go back, ever. There are people who wipe their parents' bank account out and now they're somewhere stuck in some county city facility being treated like crap. That was my grandmother's best friend, because trust and believe, honey, and no disrespect, but most of them facilities I wouldn't put a dog in. They not right. I wouldn't put a dog in, that's right. So, real talk, if you have the ability to care for the ones who cared for you, take that as a badge of honor, man, do it, do it, put that chip on your shoulder, baby.
Speaker 1:I'm with Coco.
Speaker 2:Do it Because I'm cocky with mine, Do it. I said I know that my blessings are lined up. What? Because I went above and beyond doing what I was expected to do and God gave me the ability to do so. So, if you're walking around with a bunch of guilt, did you bite the hand that fed you what, or did you comfort it and carry it to the end.
Speaker 1:Hello, real talk. Did you seek or you didn't? I'm saying you were just shutting people out.
Speaker 2:Trust and believe honey, and it's funny because that's why I still feel I'm connected to both of them, because Shirley haunt me every day on when I'm going to get married.
Speaker 1:I don't want to get married, okay, okay. Madison Brown haunt me every day talking about he a little ugly little boy. On that note, that is it, man. We have had such a fantastic time with you today here on Parenting Up. You always got that good good going on. It's live, it's live, it's live. It's on the big screen. The small screen I can find it in my hip pocket on my cell phone, so let everyone know what's coming up for you.
Speaker 2:Well, what's coming up? You guys can catch me right now on Lifetime on Call Me Now the Rise and Fall of Miss Cleo. Yes, you guys can also check me on those wonderful reruns of 9-1-1. I'm constantly on there as well as Never have I Ever on Netflix. You guys can definitely check me on Single Moms Club that they play every weekend on BET.
Speaker 1:You guys, can check me.
Speaker 2:Yes, they do I see it? I also have another Lifetime movie coming out with Eva Marcel and Tyler Play called Buried Alive Nice, that's coming out. And I'm about to actually go do a Christmas movie with Tia Mowry and Donna Briscoe Super excited, called A Beauty Salon Christmas and I get to play something I've always wanted to play. I get to play a rich auntie. I'm not even going to be acting, what?
Speaker 1:Won't he do it?
Speaker 2:Won't he will, and you guys can check. Check me out as cousin coke on the country.
Speaker 1:Wayne skits honey yeah, I'm a little bit of everywhere.
Speaker 2:Those skits are hilarious, girl them people are diehard hilarious I didn't even knock on the star while I was peeing, asking me when I was gonna do something about so-and-so on a skit, and I'm like, can I pee?
Speaker 2:so yeah and I don't write it I don't, I don't write it, you know. But yeah, I just show up and you know know, do what I got to do. But yeah, you know, and right now I'm finishing up. I'm really proud of this. I can't wait till it drops, you know, but I'm taking my time. I'm writing a book called the Care Forgiver, about how I learned it. Well, you got to come back for that.
Speaker 1:God, my goal is to be done with that December 1st.
Speaker 2:Well, all right.
Speaker 1:We'll be right here.
Speaker 2:Launching the first of the year, but I'm just learning how to forgive my forgive, the ones I take care of.
Speaker 1:You are welcome back. We're going to have to have you back to talk even more about your parents, your journey and then your time as a mother, because there's there's a lot of ups and downs with that too. So thank you so much. Thank you for having me girl, thank you so much for having me. Yes, you're very welcome.
Speaker 2:You're very welcome.
Speaker 1:Just snuggle up. Hey, y'all notice I ain't say an S Because we got a lot going on in the studio. So I'm going to give you one big old snuggle up summary for my girl, coco Brown. You don't know what the hell somebody is going through. I know all the things that I saw Coco on producing on TV and movies during the period where she was also caring for her parents. So, as they say, oh, the grass is always greener. No, it ain't. You don't know what the hell somebody else is going through, so you just better take your lumps, whatever they are, and stick with them, because she figured out a way to balance all of those things through her belief in her faith and her commitment to be there for her parents. That shit ain't easy. What's up y'all? I'm over here just mixing and scratching up stuff and reminding y'all.
Speaker 1:Patreon is open. It is open and ready for you, you, you, you and your mama too. We are loading up things, all things Zetty, all things podcast, all things. Caregiving Behind the scenes, extra stuff. J Smile's comedy is dropping with her own little collection within the J Smile Studio Patreon, very, very soon. It'll be less than a month, but you want to go on and get in there, because there's exclusives, that's kind of time sensitive to whoever is in there first. We've already had live broadcasts for people who are already in and I'm going to be honest because of, you know, branding matters. So there's some stuff that I just can't say and do on the World Wide Web that I can do in the Patreon pantry. So if you want to see and know and hear and experience more of what's happening between my ears, come to the J Smile Studio, my Patreon pantry.