SUCCESSFUL CAREGIVING WITHOUT SELF-SACRIFICE

We had a great time connecting with Author Karen Weaver, author of Reaching Up For Comfort. She has been a caregiver for her late husband, late mom, and late father, though she has also volunteered with her church, neighbors, centers, and more. 

In this episode, Karen shares stories of triumph, overcoming, funny moments and self-care. Her book and website offer reflections and questions that will help caregivers get through the journey of taking care of their loved ones.

Learn more about Karen by visiting her website HERE.

Host: J Smiles

Producer: Mia Hall

Editor: Annelise Udoye

#caregivingtips

#caregivingjourney

#alzheimers

#strokesurvivors

#endalz

#seniorliving

#comedypodcast

#Blackhistorymonth

Chapters

• 0:00 The Lie of Love and Caregiving
• 5:40 Journey of Caregiving and Loss
• 12:39 Balancing Caregiving Responsibilities and Transitions
• 23:10 The Importance of Self-Care in Caregiving
• 34:16 Thriving Through the Caregiver Season
• 42:56 True Self as a Caregiver

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Did you tell your father that you gave the bed away, or did you just say, hey, let's get a new bed.

Speaker 2: 0:06

No, I didn't tell him. I love that I didn't tell him. I just said I'm going to get you a better bed. I'm going to get you a brand new bed.

Speaker 1: 0:16

I call it the lie of love. Yes, it seems like you and I have been friends for longer than we knew, because you've been lying too. I've been lying, I've been lying to my mama so much. Actually, lying to my mama for her Alzheimer's informs my improv and my comedy a great deal, because I get used to making up so many stories for her that I'm able to create all kind of stories. When it's time to make a joke for the stage, I'm like, oh yeah, I could just add the end of that one and tack on that. Oh, you know what that sounds good and it's not really a lie.

Speaker 1: 0:53

Karen, it's really sort of like it's a lie, Karen.

Speaker 2: 1:00

It's okay, though A story to help the situation that you find yourself in.

Speaker 1: 1:07

That sounds like my grandfather. My grandfather would say, yeah, it ain't always feasible to tell the truth.

Speaker 1: 1:16

That's a good way to put it. Parenting Up caregiving adventures with comedian Jay Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama. For over a decade I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone in anything with a heartbeat. Spoiler alert this shit is heavy. That's why I started doing comedy. So be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, ogs and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver you are in the right place, hi, this is.

Speaker 1: 2:00

Zeddy, I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast, is that okay? Today's supporter shout out is from YouTube David Miller 1055. Thank you for your service and care for those who need it. Blessings to you and all the caregivers in the world. Heart emoji, party hat emoji and blushing cheeks emoji. You're very welcome, david, very, very welcome. If you want to receive the supporter shout out, please review on apple podcast. Yes, on apple podcast. I don't care if you don't like apple. If you're all down with android, I need you to go over to apple podcast and click, because that's where the people who give the money look. Also, instagram and YouTube. We like the love from all the people. Thank you.

Speaker 1: 3:10

Today's episode successful caregiving without self-sacrifice. Parenting Up community. I don't even know why I deserve all the blessings and grace from the caregiver. Angels or divine nation I don't even know what it is, but I keep getting guests that just level up, level up, level up. They know more stuff than I do, they've been through more than I've been through and they can tell us stuff to help us make it one more day, one more hour, one more minute as a caregiver. And it has happened again. Welcome 2025. We have Karen Weaver. If Karen doesn't know it about caregiving. It hasn't happened. That's what that means. I've decided it. She might not agree with me, but who cares? It's my podcast, I can do what I want. Hey, karen, how you doing girl.

Speaker 2: 4:10

Doing great. I'm just so happy to be here. Thank you for the invitation and the opportunity 100%.

Speaker 1: 4:17

Now, before we get into all of the juicy juicy bits.

Speaker 1: 4:22

I'm going to let them know that you view caregiving as a calling and you're an author and you've got a whole lot of other fancy stuff. But as it relates to the parenting up podcast, you say, hey, some stuff is just a calling. You have cared for more people that I could count. You have cared for more people that I could count. You have cared for more people than some people have had wives that may or may not have been a president in the United States that I may or may not have voted for. But let's just say you count.

Speaker 1: 4:58

Not only you know your mother, your husband, your father. Those are direct one-to-one relationships where you were the caregiver. But even times where you have volunteered in hospitals, in times where you've helped in your church or with your neighbors, you take this caregiving thing very seriously and so for that, right up front, I want to say thank you. Thank you so very much. Wow, Now you've cared for a husband with a disability, who was disabled In a wheelchair, your father with Alzheimer's, your mom was all also sick. You tell me which one you would prefer to start with sick. You tell me which one you would prefer to start with. I don't want to just do it in chronological order, because maybe one meant more to you or one touched you, and I don't mean mean more from a loving standpoint, but as a caregiver one may have resonated more and I want to make sure that this parent but the parents in that community gets all the juicy bits that you have to tell.

Speaker 2: 6:05

Okay, Well, I definitely would want to start with my husband. I mean, that was probably the biggest caregiving project of my journey. My husband had a massive stroke at 39, and that completely disrupted my way of life and what was normal for me. So I would definitely say that was the most impactful caregiving assignment that I had throughout my life, Because really I was taking care of my husband for like 27 years and he not only had a stroke which caused him not to be able to work, not to be able to drive, but then a few years later he lost kidney function and my oldest son gave him a kidney and then he lost kidney function again and he was able to survive dialysis for about four years before he passed away. So it was very heartfelt, for sure.

Speaker 1: 7:13

I can't even add 39 and 27. And my first degree is in engineering. It sounds like forever. That's what 39 plus 27 sounds like Long time, a lot of love and a lot of long time. One of the things that stood out to me that kind of connects our journey, as you said, when your husband had the stroke, it was kind of the middle of the night. He was 29, excuse me, 39 years old and he had come home from work. I went to Howard University, shout out to the DMV, and so when you mentioned Safeway, I was like, oh, I went to Safeway all the time Grocery store. But you said you heard a thump or a thud or a loud noise on the floor and you thought he was playing around because he was a jokester.

Speaker 1: 8:03

He was a jokester. That's the same thing that happened with my mom. Wow, um, she found my father.

Speaker 1: 8:09

He had a massive heart attack and she found him on the couch and she thought that he was playing I don't know if anybody out there listen, who could do a study on the number of times that an African-American man who is known to be a clown may be in some type of medical distress but his wife or children are like, get up here. My mom told me before her Alzheimer's kicked in. She said, she looked at him and she said boy, boy. And she kind of hit him with a I don't know with a hand or elbow or something and said if you don't stop playing Jock Smith, I know something. Yes, when he didn't move. Yes, Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 8:57

There was something to it, absolutely, absolutely. Because I remember going to that side of the bed and I was like, come on, it's too late to be playing around. You know, you just got home, you got to go back to work, you know, and he was literally trying to lift himself up. But every time he tried to lift himself up he would go back down, and when he wasn't able to speak, then I figured oh no, something's going on, something's wrong, I need to call for help. This is, this is not normal. So and at that time I didn't have as much awareness about what it meant when somebody had a stroke and the signs and things like that. I mean now I would be able to identify it probably almost immediately if I saw someone in that type of distress, if I saw someone in that type of distress.

Speaker 1: 9:45

So but yes, Well, if some, you know, most of our listeners are in the dementia community. However, you know my mom, after maybe 11 years with dementia, she had a stroke. So, it's not to say that all of these ailments and diseases don't decide to play footies with one another. What would you say, are those signs that you now know so well? That means a stroke is coming.

Speaker 2: 10:17

Well, when you see someone and they sort of one side of their face sort of goes limp, and when they can't use like one of their hands or they have difficulty walking, because usually the strokes actually attacks one side or the other side of the body and that really has to do with where it is in the brain, so that's probably the most can't speak, you know, starting to mumble words, you know, can't really get out of thought that has any type of coherency. So, yeah, I definitely think I would be able to notice that if I was in that situation. And yeah, unfortunately, well, my dad had Alzheimer's. Unfortunately, though, he never experienced any of those what I call the vascular type of diseases. On top of that, but that was a whole nother journey in itself.

Speaker 2: 11:21

And you know, the funniest story I remember about my dad was going to his house and there was a frying pan in the backyard. And I said dad, why is the frying pan in the backyard? He says I don't know. I don't know how it got there. I didn't put it there, you know, I don't know how I got there. I didn't put it down, you know.

Speaker 1: 11:45

Somebody's cooking grass. My grandfather called marijuana grass. I was like how do you know how to call it grass unless you've been using it? It was amazing.

Speaker 2: 11:54

And when I went out there and the frying pan was obviously had been on fire and we are so fortunate that he didn't catch the house on fire while he was trying to go from the kitchen to the back door to throw the frying pan out the back door. So, and it still took me a while to kind of figure out, you know there's something wrong with my father. So eventually I told him he couldn't live at his house. He had to come live at my house because it was. I didn't think it was safe for him to't live at his house. He had to come live at my house because it was. I didn't think it was safe for him to actually be in his house. But those were some funny times for sure, just watching somebody with with having memory issues.

Speaker 1: 12:39

So, if I'm, if I'm tracking this just to make sure that everyone listening and watching, and for everyone in the Parenting Up community, all of this is very carefully and warmly described in the book. I don't want to give too much of it away. The book is entitled Reaching Up for Comfort Caregiver Experiences Questions and Prayers. So for those of you who definitely lean into a Christian based lifestyle, Karen has added Bible verses that have helped her along the way with certain very specific questions, experiences and challenges, and she has reflections and questions for you, things that she thought helped her through when hindsight gave her an advantage, point of like, I don't know what, what the hell actually did help me get through this, but a unique thing is that, uh, your father came to live with you after your husband had a stroke and and you glossed over that so smooth like a little pat of butter you asked my dad to come live with me.

Speaker 1: 14:06

You're not acknowledging, sister girl, that your husband had already experienced his medical event with the stroke that left him found in a wheelchair, because some people recover from a stroke and are able to walk again now, others lose their life. So you know there are many layers to this thing. So your father moved in with you. So then you're caring for two in your home dementia sufferer and then a stroke survivor who's wheelchair bound Right. Well, I don't even know where you want to start, honey. Well, my husband.

Speaker 2: 14:50

he wasn't always wheelchair bound, though he there were some periods of time where he was walking and and and that was probably I don't know if it was good or bad, because he would drive the car half paralyzed. So he would do a lot of things that you shouldn't do if you don't have the use of the right side of your body. He would still try to cut the grass, but when he lost.

Speaker 1: 15:18

I'm sorry. You said cut the grass. Yes, Was the grass zigzag like a zebra? How did the grass look? I'm going to tell you. You have one side of your body and you cut the grass.

Speaker 2: 15:30

My husband could cut the grass. I mean he did it?

Speaker 1: 15:37

Did the grass have stripes in it?

Speaker 2: 15:40

No, the grass looked good, jay, I'm telling you he was an amazing person. He really could cut the grass, and so for the time that he could do what he could do, he really did it. I would come home and he would say I drove to my mother's house and I'm like you drove with a car to your mother's house, like you don't have any car insurance, you don't have a license. I mean, this could be an issue. So that was always a challenge with him because he never wanted to give up and when my dad, when I moved my dad in, my husband actually had gone back to dialysis. So that was why I was so trying, because we were dealing with the dialysis schedule and I was working with what was going on with my dad and his memory care issues, and then my dad ended up also having prostate cancer. So, um, yeah, no, wait, wait.

Speaker 1: 16:49

Karen, you can't say so. Um, yeah, hold on, hold on now. When your father moved in your husband, your husband was able. Was he still sometimes driving?

Speaker 2: 17:09

No, no, he wasn't. He wasn't trying to drive by that time. By that time we had really that was only early on in the game he was trying to drive. So by that, by the time my dad moved in, my husband had slowed down quite a bit. He was still able to walk, sometimes with the cane. Then there were some days he definitely had to do the wheelchair and so we just had to navigate the wheelchair. I usually had a wheelchair down on the bottom floor. I had a stair lift to go to the top floor, then I had a wheelchair at the top floor, you know, to help navigate upstairs.

Speaker 1: 17:46

So yeah, you had the chairlift on the stairwell Mm-hmm. Now, which brand worked for you? I have heard horror stories about those chairlifts. Really, do you have a manufacturer that you can suggest?

Speaker 2: 18:02

Oh, well, the company was called Stairlift and I had a very good experience with them because I had had a chair lift also installed in my parents' house. Okay difficulty with it not working or something. They were very prompt in coming out and I had a great experience. I told y'all.

Speaker 1: 18:32

I told y'all she knew everything.

Speaker 1: 18:33

I told y'all if Karen doesn't know it, then it hadn't happened. So you have a wheelchair on the first level and then a stair chair, climber, lifter thingy in a wheelchair upstairs. So that's what you call efficiency and redundancy people, okay, which what you didn't hear Karen say is that she carried a wheelchair upstairs every day, every night. So you have to figure out how to find, you know, utilize your medical insurance or various hospitals or nonprofits to get the resources you need so that you can have the things that are required in your home. So your father moves in.

Speaker 2: 19:21

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: 19:23

How much did he fight you Well?

Speaker 2: 19:26

we tricked him. Oh, this is good. So we um, so he he favored my brother. So I used my brother to trick my father. So I told my dad that if he'd come to my house and my brother was going to come pick him up and take him golfing, come to my house and my brother was going to come pick him up and take him golfing. So my brother came, took my father golfing and while they were golfing I went and got everything else I needed to bring down to my dad's house.

Speaker 2: 19:55

I had been bringing stuff down periodically, so I had been preparing his room and when he came back from golfing he said well, I need to go home and take a shower. And I said well, no, you can take a shower here. He said but I don't have any clothes. I said you know what? I have clothes upstairs. I got all your clothes upstairs. I had the clothes in the drawer, I had the clothes in the closet, I had everything he needed. And so he took a shower and he talked about it for a couple of days, but then he just kind of settled in, he just eased into it. He eased into it. My father was a very quiet person, okay, so he wasn't aggressive type of person. He was very passive, which was to my advantage Because if he got upset, there was something really, really, really, really bad going on.

Speaker 2: 20:49

But, for the most part it was a pretty easy transition. I did kind of suffer a little bit because I got rid of his furniture out of his house too fast and he said to me I want my dad from my house and I had already given it away. So I was I felt a little bad about that. So I said you know what, dad? I think we're going to get you a new bed, a brand new bed.

Speaker 1: 21:17

And so that was the way I kind of got through that little time I read that in your book and I laughed and I scratched my head and I held my heart because I know that conundrum. Right, you try, as a caregiver, you're trying to move on. You have, you know, all of a sudden plopped onto your lap all these extra responsibilities and you're trying to move on, to handle what feels to be the most pressing and the highest priority, which is everyone's living life. Like, what do we got to do, we got to eat, we got to take medicine, you know, we got to exercise, we got to go to bed, we got to take a shower. And so then, when you start thinking about mementos and memories and sentimental things, that doesn't always come to pass.

Speaker 1: 22:11

But I saw in one of your chapters you made I don't want to give too much away, but it was one of the ones that I highlighted and you mentioned something and I paraphrased something like be careful, think about what you're saving or what you're doing, like that, hey, what's up? Parenting, up family, Guess what? Have you ever wanted to connect with other caregivers? You want to see more behind-the-scenes footage, want to know what me and Zeddy are doing? I know you do All things. Jsmiles are finally ready for you, even when I go live. Do it now with us on Patreon. Join us in the Patreon community. Catch everything we're doing. Visit patreoncom forward. Slash JSmilesStudios with an S. Did you tell your father that you gave the bed away or did you just say, hey, let's get a new bed?

Speaker 2: 23:16

no, I didn't tell him. I love that. I didn't tell him. I just said I'm gonna get you a better bed. I'm gonna get you a brand new bed.

Speaker 1: 23:26

I call it the lie of love. Yes, it seems like you and I have been friends for longer than we knew, because you've been lying too. I've been lying. I've been lying to my mama so much actually lying to my mama, for her alzheimer's informs my improv and my comedy a great deal, because I get used to making up so many stories for her that I'm able to create all kinds of stories. When it's time to make a joke for the stage, I'm like oh yeah, I could just add the end of that one and tag on that oh, you know what that sounds good and it's not really a lie, karen it's really sort of like it's a lie, karen.

Speaker 2: 24:11

It's okay, though a story to help the situation that you're you find yourself yeah, that sounds like my grandfather.

Speaker 1: 24:19

My grandfather would say, yeah, it ain't always feasible to tell the truth. That's a good way to put it, because when he said, if it's not feasible to tell the truth, then it's not really a lie, and I was like, well, I don't know, I don't really know about that, but in any case, I agree with you and I do it. The same thing, whatever you want to call it. Yeah, I do it, and it is quite useful. Your father also endured prostate cancer after after his Alzheimer's diagnosis.

Speaker 1: 24:57

I just need everybody who is listening and or viewing this podcast episode to understand the layering of things that Karen has experienced in her caregiving journey. All right, so Pops gets the diagnosis. Does he even understand the diagnosis?

Speaker 2: 25:21

Not totally, but in his mind he used to say when you go to the doctors they never say anything good. But um, so that was his, that was his answer for everything, but was really more the cancer than it was the Alzheimer's. For sure.

Speaker 1: 25:52

So what? What? You did? Choose to have a operation yes, Cancer operation and I? I know that many caregivers of a loved one with dementia struggle when to operate, when to not operate. To the extent that you're comfortable, please let us in on what made you say OK, you know what. I know dad has Alzheimer's. I know he is what medically may be called a senior. I think we're going to operate for these reasons.

Speaker 2: 26:31

Yeah, and so the operation was more centered around they identified that something was wrong, that his PSA was too high, and they were really just doing a procedure just to see you know if he was okay. So it actually turned into an operation because after they went in there they realized that he had prostate cancer and the tumors were actually extending beyond his prostate so it started to grow into other areas. And so my brother and I were sort of faced with making a decision like real time, you know, do you want us to operate and remove the tumors, since we're already there? And we decided together that we would do that. So, and the whole Alzheimer's and prostate the timing of it was so meshed in that, you know, we were trying to finalize his diagnosis and he was having physical things going on, so it wasn't really a clean cut thing where we absolutely knew he had O-Hymers at the time he was dealing with the whole prostate issue Understood.

Speaker 1: 27:52

How old was he?

Speaker 2: 27:54

Oh, my goodness, so my dad? He passed when he was 92. So he was about 88.

Speaker 1: 28:02

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so yeah, your, your husband is physically not on earth anymore as well. Yes, that's correct and and how can I put this? Many caregivers speak on the void. After you've been a caregiver and it's been such an all-encompassing part of your life, your daily life, and while it may be a grind and it may be a ton of sacrificing, it becomes a major part of who you are.

Speaker 1: 28:51

For you, you had decades of it with two of your guys. I know you have children, but that's your husband and your dad. I mean, that's pretty up there. Yeah, how have you managed? Or what did you do to manage? Okay, they are now with the Heavenly Father. Yes, and I'm going to not give up on myself. I'm going to do fill in the blank myself.

Speaker 2: 29:23

I'm going to do fill in the blank. So I think one thing as a caregiver, I still never really lost sight of myself.

Speaker 1: 29:34

Okay, hold on now, karen. You can't just throw that out there. That bells and whistles. Here's my, my own version of crowd noise. My own version of crowd noise. That's the J smiles and they're cheering for, karen, the fact that you could not lose sight of yourself under those circumstances, with that duration of time.

Speaker 2: 30:05

Yes, I had to, I had to make that decision. I worked up until I really kind of just said okay, two people is a lot, I can't do this anymore. But at one point I was working and I was serving in a church and I was coaching. And I was serving in a church and I was coaching and I was supporting my children. But I was always like, well, I did sleep as much as I could. I probably didn't do as well as I do now, but I was really into exercise and health.

Speaker 1: 30:45

What was your exercise?

Speaker 2: 30:49

I'd like to do treadmill, ride the bike, do some weights, do some weights. I realized at some point that I didn't want to like wish this season away, wish it away. You know, I had to figure out how to live in spite of what was going on, and so I just, you know, kept busy and always was thinking and always was working things. So that so, when my dad and my husband transitioned, my neighbors were sort of like, so what are you going to do now? And I was like I'm going to move, I'm going to keep working my coaching practice. They were like you're going to do that, like, just like that. And I'm like, I'm like you're going to do that, just like that. And I'm like, well, my husband and I were talking about moving before he transitioned, but I really always had dreams and things I wanted to do, and so I think taking care of yourself is just like such a huge piece of caregiving and I know caregivers get tired of hearing it People saying to them you have to learn self-care, you have to learn self-care.

Speaker 2: 32:02

And people usually say, well, who has time for self-care? I mean, it sounds like a luxury, you know, and it does sound like a luxury, but that 10 minutes doing some exercise for yourself or half an hour doing something for yourself. I planned a trip one year and had a caregiver come in and take care of my dad and my husband and I went to California to a conference. It was the best thing I could do to help my mental health, because the better shape I was in, the better I could take care of them, because they got 110% all the time. So giving myself 90% of what I had the time to was not a luxury, it was just something that needed to be done, and I think that's the only way that you can really really serve other people is if you learn how to take time for yourself.

Speaker 1: 33:01

Did you find that the self-care tools and activities remain the same as before you became a caregiver, or did you like stumble into a new set of hobbies and habits you mentioned, like working out and things of that nature? Had you always liked those types of?

Speaker 2: 33:28

activities? Yeah, I had always, but I think I was much more intentional when I was a caregiver because I had to be mindful of my time. How much time I had, I mean, sometimes it took, you know, I had to get up earlier in the morning if I had something I wanted to do for myself. And then it was during that time that I was having some health issues which caused me to have to be a vegetarian, and so that added a whole nother layer of thought process onto what I was used to. But I was always pretty good about exercising. But I became more intentional, certainly as a caregiver, and now I am just a health freak.

Speaker 1: 34:16

Let me let you get away with that, karen. Let me tell you something. I'm not about to let you get away with it. You said I had a health something or another that forced me to be a vegetarian. No, ma'am, I'm not letting you get away with that. Here you go again, sliding some in all up under the car to home base, trying to act something ain't a big deal. I am. I'm about to be sick of you, karen. Would you blossom over your greatness?

Speaker 1: 34:45

Okay, so you know how many people have come across a medical condition where becoming vegan could greatly assist them and they haven't even been vegan for an hour? Okay, they didn't even become vegetarian, right, didn't become, uh, non-meditarian or just seafooditarian for a day, and you just said it as if it was no big deal. It was no deal. Yeah, it's the only other option you had, and uh, no, ma'am. So what I want to say, what I want to first of all say, is there you go again, uh, bravo and congratulations. And I want to ask have you always been this way where there is a problem, you're faced with a problem or, some may say, a stumbling block, and you look at that thing and you say it's me or you, and damn it. It ain't going to be me and you about to just run straight through this thing, regardless of what it is. Is that just your personality? Have you always been that? I've always been that way, okay. When were you born? What's your sign?

Speaker 2: 36:03

I was born in January. Ah, you were.

Speaker 1: 36:05

Capricorn Aquarian. Well, that's close, yeah.

Speaker 2: 36:11

Yep, I've always been that way, like okay, just bring it on.

Speaker 1: 36:16

Just bring it on. Just bring it on like here it is what we gotta do, I ain't gonna lose.

Speaker 2: 36:21

I ain't gonna lose right I?

Speaker 1: 36:23

see it, there's a whole lot. I ain't gonna, because you say stuff just like you just took another sip of oxygen. I'm like girl, well, I haven't heard one bit of pity or one bit of I was mad with somebody. Were you ever mad with anybody?

Speaker 2: 36:39

Well, I think I was just, I think I was mad when I wrote my book. I think my book was like therapy, I think my book was like my therapy, but I mean, I have a strong faith. So you know that, of course was, you know, the center of the focus of my life and getting me through. But with my health issue, I have always had one kidney.

Speaker 1: 37:07

And as I you were born with one kidney.

Speaker 2: 37:09

I was born with two kidneys, but my second kitty never grew. They called it infantile, and so it was taken out when I was in junior high school, about 12 or 13. And so, as I got older, my kidney function wasn't what you want it to be thing you can do for yourself is to stop eating meat.

Speaker 1: 37:44

And I said okay. And she said just like that, that's what I'm saying You're not going to fight me, you're not going to ask me. I'm with Nefertiti over there, your doctor, your Nefertiti? Yeah, listen, karen, you're weird. Oh, karen, weird Weaver.

Speaker 2: 38:01

You think that's what she thought it was a little weird too. She said you are one of the patients. She said I wish I could just get my patients to just listen to me. She said you just said okay, just like that. I said I got it.

Speaker 1: 38:15

Just tell me what I can't do, that's amazing, I'm good, that is amazing, and, uh, I I am grateful to have you, uh, share these bits and pieces, um, these small bits and pieces of the journey. Like we didn't even get to talk about your mom, you're gonna have to come back to talk about your mom, okay you know, we can't, we can't, I'm I don't know.

Speaker 1: 38:39

I'm gonna talk to the producer. We have to figure out. When you come back, talk about your mom, because I don't want to squeeze the mama in at the you know like, oh, we gotta just a few minutes. No, no, no, mama's gonna get her own episode. That's what we, that's how we're gonna do this. Oh, I love it. That's how I feel about mamas. Anyway. Why not? I mean, hell, we girls. So, um, your perspective is so needed in the world period around, whether it's caregiving or just how to manage when things don't quite go as smoothly as you would like. It could be your health, a loved one's health, a job, a relationship, your finances, but, as my best friend's mom tells us often okay, so that has happened. What are you going to do now? What?

Speaker 1: 39:46

are you gonna do now? You're here right now. Boo-boo, what you gonna do now? And you have, uh, lived a life of. This is what I'm going to do now, and I'm so grateful that you have been transparent and you have shared. I'm going to show everyone the book Reaching Up for Comfort, but I want you to tell everyone where they can get the book, where they can reach you for any consulting and advisory services.

Speaker 2: 40:29

Okay, well, you can get the book on Amazon, for sure, Amazon has everything. And you can go to my website, which is wwwcrosswalkcoachingandconsultingcom. So those are two places you can reach me easily. I'm getting ready to have a five day challenge come up for the health area and that's under crosswalkcoachingcom, and so that page is up, but it will go live soon, which you'll be able to see the five-day challenge coming. But I look forward to hearing from some of you, and I'm on Facebook and I'm on Instagram and I'm on LinkedIn.

Speaker 1: 41:14

Phenomenal. One last question yes, we ask this of all of our guests. We end with a segment that I affectionately call the snuggle up, where if, as a caregiver, you could just get go ahead and snuggle up to this really hard concept, your life as a caregiver will be easier. What would you say is one snuggle up that you would suggest to others or that you can say really helped you in your journey?

Speaker 2: 41:51

I think the best thing that helped me in my journey was just to remember that caregiving is only for a season. So if you take care of yourself, you will make it through your season. And I'm not talking about just surviving, I'm talking about thriving in your season.

Speaker 1: 42:10

Yes, oh, I got drill. Do y'all see that? Okay, I'm not even kidding, I know I do exaggerate a lot. I'm a caregiver, I mean hell, I'm a comedian. Well, you know what, actually, I do exaggerate as a I was just lying to my mama yesterday, but anyway, uh, that is right to not just be alive but to thrive. Thank you so very much, karen.

Speaker 2: 42:40

I told y'all did.

Speaker 1: 42:42

You know everything, and she know way more than that. We don't have her back. Until then you take care of yourself.

Speaker 2: 42:49

Thank you, take care. Thanks a lot, bye-bye the.

Speaker 1: 42:54

Snuggle Ups. Number one what is your default personality? Are you assertive? Are you a wallflower? Are you active? Are you a couch potato meaning before you became a caregiver? When life is not stressing you, when people leave you the F alone, who are you? I am strongly encouraging you that now, even as a caregiver, with all this extra crap on your plate, lean back into your default personality as hard as you can. Be as true to that person as you can, as hard as you can. Be as true to that person as you can, because when you don't, you're way more likely to feel the bubbling and the gurgling of resentment. Look how Karen flourished because she figured out small ways Five minutes here, 30 minutes there to keep physical exercise in her life, not because pundits and doctors told her to, because that was always a way that she kept herself freaking happy. So figure yours out, remember who you are, show them who you are, shout. Figure yours out, remember who you are, show them who you are, shout out Black Panther. Y'all know I was an addict. Number two Y'all please remember this Caregiving is but a season.

Speaker 1: 44:33

For some of us it's a season that's six months, for others it's three decades. But those three decades happen to be part-time because you're popping in and out of helping family members or neighbors. Don't woe is me. Don't do it. It's not worth it the time that you spend worrying and licking your wounds. You could be taking a nap or eating some ice cream or getting on with the goal that you would have been doing in life if you weren't a caregiver. You feel what I'm saying? We don't have time to be over here talking about what if? What if my ass, what if my ass? What if my ass? Number three If you were not a family caregiver, for a moment, I want you to go into the recesses of your mind and think about it.

Speaker 1: 45:40

You to go into the recesses of your mind and think about it. What would you be doing with all that free time, money and worry? What is it? Write it down. I need you to write down at least three things and, within the next 90 days, give yourself a little bit of one of them. Jace Mouth, what the hell are you talking about? I can't do any of that because I'm a caregiver. Well, let's say, maybe you thought you wanted to write a book or you wanted to open up an ice cream store. Over the next 90 days, you know what you could do. You could at least learn how to make ice cream. Everything is a how-to on the internet. Now the internet. Now you can figure out something that allows you to feel a little closer to you. That's the spirit of Karen Weaver. Let's all take a little nudge from the way she chose to be a kid.