That's What Friends Are For

Have you ever witnessed someone persevere to no end to maintain a connection with someone they cared about? That's exactly what happened when my mother's DC circle refused to let her disappear after my dad's death.

When Betty began bombarding my mother's phone, email, and even her old-school answering machine with messages, I initially dismissed it as an unwelcome intrusion. We were deep in grief, struggling with the aftermath of my dad's passing, and I had no energy for reconnecting with old friends. Little did I know this persistent woman would create one of the most healing moments in our early dementia journey.

Betty and two other powerful Black female professionals had worked with my mother for decades, forming bonds I hadn't fully understood. "If you don't have nobody in your life willing to go that hard in the paint and keep worrying the sh*t out of people they think can get to you," I now realize, "then you need to check your crew." Their insistence on seeing my mother face-to-face led to a remarkable reunion at a DC hotel that changed everything.

When these women demanded time alone with my mother, I reluctantly stepped away, worried about leaving her without my supervision. When I came back, I heard something that stopped me in my tracks – my mother's genuine, unrestrained laughter echoing down the hallway. 

This experience fundamentally changed my approach to caregiving. Sometimes the best thing we can do is step aside and allow longstanding connections to work their magic. 

What connections have you been maintaining or perhaps neglecting in your caregiving journey? Who might be trying to reach you or your loved one that deserves a chance to connect? Your village might be larger and more determined than you realize.

Executive Producer/Host: J Smiles Comedy

Producer: Mia Hall

Editor: Annelise Udoye 

Chapters

• 0:00 The Power of Persistent Friends
• 7:13 Betty's Relentless Pursuit
• 13:01 Planning the DC Reunion
• 18:08 Mama's Laughter Down the Hall
• 22:51 Let People In: Caregiving Lessons
• 25:31 Snuggle-Ups: Practical Caregiving Advice

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

If you don't have nobody in your life that's willing to go that hard in the paint and keep worrying the shit out of the people that they think can get to you with email text, leaving a voicemail out loud on the old school answering machine, then you need to check your crew. She said I gotta see you. I don't want to talk to her, no more, I don't want to talk to you, no more, I don't want to talk to you, no more. I got to see you and I was like okay, well, she said all of us want to see you, betty and the other two. These women were still working running half of the Eastern Seaboard and she said you tell me when you can get your mama to DC and I'll get everybody else ready. I was like I'm sorry what? I'm walking down this feeling like I'm in the White House. All of a sudden, all I hear is Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha. That's not what happened. Ha'all. They are kicking and laughing so hard. I hear them down the hall. I turn the knob to go in the room. My mama is there and wiping her mouth with the linen cloth to cover it, to not spit the food out, that's. I don't know what the hell they were talking about. I don't know what they said. I don't know if the content of their words made sense to her, but I know she was laughing and I know she was okay.

Speaker 1: 1:49

Parenting Up, caregiving Adventures with Comedian J Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama. For over a decade I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat. Spoiler alert this shit is heavy. That's why I started doing comedy. So be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, ogs and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver, you are in the right place.

Speaker 1: 2:29

Hi, this is Zeddy. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast. Is that okay? Today's supporter shout out is from YouTube, janelle Bowles 8207. We are watching the podcast. Mama laughed out loud when you said squoze, with four emoji laughing faces. Now that is the. I remember that episode. That's a part of the Detroit tour, so go watch it if you haven't. Thank you so much, janelle Bowles 8207. If you want to receive a supporter shout out, you know what to do. Leave a review, apple Podcasts, youtube, instagram and, of course, text me. You know the text, community number. You got it All right. Today's episode that's what Friends Are For Parenting up family.

Speaker 1: 3:41

We about to go back. We about to go way back to a moment that was real tricky for me and Zeddy. Okay, it's like February 2012. My dad had I mean, his body was probably still warm in the grave. You understand what I'm saying. It's like maybe he had been gone about a month and my mom was still working. There was no dementia, no Alzheimer's, you know, there was just shock because my dad was dead.

Speaker 1: 4:19

Then there is text messages blowing up my phone from a 202 number that I don't recognize. Now, 202 is Washington DC and I went to Howard and I'll just say, while I grew up in Montgomery Alabama, I became a woman in Washington DC. So at first I was like well, who, who is this? Right? Maybe somebody one of my, you know old bays found out that my dad died. They trying to get in touch with me, but I didn't care to try to figure out anything, so I didn't answer, so that stopped.

Speaker 1: 5:07

Then there are these emails that are coming through to my mom's home email address and her business email address that are bouncing over to her staff. Because right now. Now, at that point she was trash with answering any of her emails. Okay, so they're like Janae, these people, uh, this lady is emailing your mom saying she knew her from DC. And I'm thinking, listen, we're still trying to find my daddy's will. I'm trying to figure out if I took my medicine today. I'm trying to make sure I have enough Remy Martin 1738 to make me through the weekend. I don't know who this lady is in DC, so I ignore that y'all.

Speaker 1: 6:00

Then, okay, zeddy and Jocko still had the old school answering machine Click and you could hear it out loud. I hear on the answering machine I'm not going to say her last name, this is Betty. And if somebody don't call me back and tell me what's going on with Yvette, I'm coming to Alabama. And I knew that voice and I knew that person and I said, oh shit, I call my mom's office and I say tell me the name of the lady that's been sending the emails. And then I replayed the voicemail. Well, I shouldn't say voicemail, because it really is the old school answer machine. Listen to the callback number Y'all. Why the 202 number?

Speaker 1: 6:54

I've been ignoring the lady who been emailing my mom's office. It's the same Betty. It's been stalking my mama and a little bit me. It's been stalking my mama and a little bit me and saying if somebody don't tell me where the hell Yvette is, I'm coming to Alabama. Now. That sounds extreme To me, but pause for a second. I'm going to tell you right now. If you don't have nobody in your life that's willing to go that hard in the paint and keep worrying the shit out of the people that they think can get to you with email text, leaving a voicemail out loud on the old school answering machine, then you need to check your crew. You need to modify your crew.

Speaker 1: 7:44

Turns out this lady, betty, worked with my mom in the 90s and the 2000s in Washington DC and she heard that my dad died. She'd been calling my mother's cell phone and didn't get a response, and she decided that she'd had enough of not getting a response from my mama. She didn't let it go. Can you imagine how many people would have just said well, you know what? I bet she is distraught. Her husband died. She's probably busy. They weren't best friends. They didn't go to college together. They didn't grow up together. She wasn't in my mama's wedding to college together. They didn't grow up together. She wasn't in my mama's wedding.

Speaker 1: 8:28

Next thing I know I'm calling her back. I'm like, hey, hey, miss Betty, that's how you're supposed to talk to people that's older than you. When you from the South, it's Janae. I don't know if you remember me. Of course I remember you. Now, fast forward a little bit. Well, not fast forward, fast backwards to the forward, how do you want to put it?

Speaker 1: 8:53

While I was at Howard in DC, betty was one of the people who made sure that my life stayed within legal boundaries. I'll put it like that, right. So my mom had a cast of power brokers looking out for me in DC and I didn't know it, and Betty was one of those. She was like girl I have known about your whole life since you were in middle school. I knew about you before, what you were doing, before you could drive a car. I know you're not calling me, asking me do I remember you? Do you remember me?

Speaker 1: 9:35

The level of detail that this lady had on my life when I went to Howard, when I finished, when I went to Stanford, the first time I got my heart broken. She was like your mama called us and told us about that boy that broke your heart. We were all looking, we were about to kill that nigga. I said did you say nigga? She said I did, because he was acting like a nigga, because no black man would treat a girl like you, who is perfect, like that. Right, this is my mama's work colleague. I want to go a step further. They didn't work together and have like a boss in common. My mom was the consultant. This lady worked for the city of DC. My mama ain't never live in DC, but that's the kind of bond they formed.

Speaker 1: 10:26

So it was that lady Betty and two others all lawyers, black female lawyers and this black female CPA from Alabama through the 80s and 90s and early 2000s formed a bond that I guess their spouses and children didn't really understand, because, I mean, we didn't travel together, we didn't kick it for family reunion, like I don't. I mean you know what I'm saying. Anyway, betty tells me, jenea, I need to talk to your mama and I'm like, okay, y'all, zeddy wouldn't call back. Now, maybe I should have known something then when Zeddy didn't call back. So Betty's calling me. I haven't heard from your mama. I haven't heard from your mama. Now, if I call a spade, a cucumber, I'm going to think Zeddy was avoiding Betty Because she knew Betty would not let her ass get away with sugarcoating the truth. Betty was going to hold her feet to the fire on how you doing. How bad was it after jock, what happened? My mom ain't want to do none of that. She want to have that conversation. So she didn't call her.

Speaker 1: 11:50

So then a few months pass, y'all. Next thing Betty calls my mama's office and goes in so hard on Zeddy's receptionist that the receptionist calls me crying Is this lady your aunt? She was so ugly to me. She said that if I didn't make sure that your mama called her back or you call her back today, then I better know something. Because da-la-la-la-la, who is she? I was like, uh no, I mean she's not an aunt. But I mean, mind you, no relative fought this hard to find me or Zeddy during this same period of time. So I call her back and she says by this time maybe four or five months have passed, but Zeddy has. We have not had the event that made me take Zeddy to California for auto diagnosis.

Speaker 1: 12:57

She said I got to see your mom. I don't want to talk to her no more. I don't want to talk to you no more. I got to see her and I was like, okay, well, she said all of us want to see you, betty and the other two. These women were still working, running half of the Eastern seaboard and she said you tell me when you can get your mama to DC and I'll get everybody else ready. I was like I'm sorry what she said. You heard me. That's your choice. Your choice is the date. You see, I'm grown. I thought I thought I was grown. I'm in my forts when this lady calls me with this.

Speaker 1: 13:45

But this is how it goes down. When people say, have a village, have a crew, it takes a village. The people that you need will show up when you need them. This is an example of that. So I did it. I was like shit, you know what? Nobody else was asking me to bring my mama to them. Nobody else was creating an environment where they said we need to see her, love on her and check on her and we want to see you. She was like bring your black ass with her. Don't send her with nobody else, don't send her with her sister or any of your siblings. I was like wow, okay, okay.

Speaker 1: 14:31

So I booked the Jefferson Hotel and I'm shouting them out on purpose, the little boutique hotel in Washington DC. They took such good care of us. My mom was obviously slower by this point Everything hadn't fallen apart yet but she was slower and I was very protective of her. I'll put it like that Y'all I call that. They have a very refined dining experience and I told them, hey, this is what I need, experience. And I told them, hey, this is what I need.

Speaker 1: 15:14

I don't want your limited room service menu, I need to have the full options of your Michelin star rated dining in the lobby for this hotel suite. Well, no, ma'am, we can't. I was like I know you can't, I know you can't, I know it's against the rules, but let me tell you. So Betty and these two other women are coming to see my mama and I cannot give them no fucking cheeseburgers and cheesecake. You feel what I'm saying, dude? Now what do we need to do? Who needs a better tip? Who needs the Google review, the TripAdvisor review, to make it be? Where do I need to come get it and bring it on the platter to myself? Yo, these people were so nice with it. They gave me the menu.

Speaker 1: 16:05

I sent the menu in advance to Zeddy and her DC crew. It's these three ladies that have been holding my mama down for decades professionally, and I didn't know it until they started telling me the stories. My mama never shared all those stories. They ordered their meals in advance. I make sure that we have a suite, not because I'm trying to be high post, because, if you really know me, I don't like.

Speaker 1: 16:29

Anyway, I could be a little tight. I said I need a seating area and enough of a table for there to be three women where all this food is spread out. Don't you know, my mama's DC crew would not let me have a meal with them. They said we need your mama by ourselves. To that point my mama had not been without me since my daddy died. I was like what you mean? They were like there's some things we need to talk to your mama about and ask her that we would prefer, if you weren't there, what I'm like. Well, what if I'm in the other room, just in case she needs me? Or you know, she gets uncomfortable, y'all they gave me that. Look Now, if you're not black and you listening or watching this, you probably have at least seen a black movie or a music video or heard about it in an R&B song. They gave me the black mama. Look Like I know so damn well. You don't think we don't know how to deal with our girl and that your little young ass can protect her from us like you even need to. I mean and I'm babbling now because I see their faces on me I'm trying to tell you what I didn't do was push on them any further.

Speaker 1: 17:58

Now, the Jefferson Hotel is a very Americana kind of thing. You know, imagine like a rich Carlton, so a real, like 12-pound curtains and tassels, and you know mahogany carved leg furniture, this kind of thing. And so they bring in all the food. They're putting stuff out. You know they're in all the food. They're putting stuff out. You know they're plating the food.

Speaker 1: 18:32

I was like, damn y'all, you really did bring the dining experience to this hotel room. Thank you very much. They are stay looking at me like so when are you leaving? And I'm like, ah, shit, y'all, I'm playing about this. I'm like, but I didn't order anything, I was just gonna, you know, see if y'all were cool and maybe just go another room. They were like you don't. You went to Howard, you pledged Delta up here, we know, and they've given me the shoe fan y'all. They showed me with their hand. We know you got some people in town. Call somebody, go get a drink, go eat. Why don't you take a break? You probably need a break. Take yourself two or three hours.

Speaker 1: 19:13

I was panicking. How can I leave my mom like I know she's cool with these ladies, but I don't know them like that. And mommy has started to show signs of being fragile and while she recognized them when she saw him and she was like, oh hey, so good to see you, she didn't call any of them by name and she didn't like grab my hand and say, jg, you remember when you were in high school she sent you your first pair of cowboy boots, which is what Zeddy would remember. So I was monitoring these types, or the lack of these types of verbal interactions with my mom. But you ain't about to go against three black mamas on the same page who already have fought with me to love on my mama.

Speaker 1: 20:14

So I ended up just going downstairs. I called a few of my people in DC and said you come meet me here and I said hey, y'all, I'll be downstairs. If you need anything, I'll be back up in about an hour or so, all I know, when I returned to the room I, the carpet is like the best Persian rug looking thing. You know all the nice pastel, blues and greens and reds and yellows and the walls are filled with all kind of chair railing. You know it's a mess if you got chair railing in the hall because ain't no chair, ain't no chair there, what's about to bump up against it and make a mark? Anyway, they're just going for a pump and circumstance. I'm walking down this feeling like I'm in the White House.

Speaker 1: 21:24

All of a sudden all I hear is Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha. That's not what happened. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha. Y'all. They are kicking and laughing so hard. I hear them down the hall.

Speaker 1: 21:47

I I turned the knob to go in the room. My mama is laughing and wiping her mouth with the linen cloth to cover it, to not spit the food out, that's. I don't know what the hell they were talking about. I don't know what the hell they were talking about. I don't know what they said. I don't know if the content of their words made sense to her, but I know she was laughing and I know she was OK. Her spirit was fed, her stomach was fed and those women Check the box that they needed of. I'm my sister's keeper.

Speaker 1: 22:32

All I had to do was get out of the way, and it wasn't easy at first. It was not easy at first. I don't know exactly what any of you might be thinking or feeling about people who try to come in that might feel like they coming in out of nowhere, like I don't really know you what you want to see with my mama or my husband. We fine, we got it, we to. You know, batten down the hatches, put a moat around our life. I'm going to encourage you not to do that because your loved one had, they had and have friends, church members, co-workers, family members, even that they're closer to you, that they're closer to you, that they're closer to than you are, that you don't understand all those relationships.

Speaker 1: 23:32

To see my mama laughing that hard Made me cry y'all. Now I ain't cried a snotty cry like somebody just died, but I had to smile and I teared up because I was like, oh shit, I would have ruined this moment and not let it happen, because I'm sure if I had been in the room, whatever conversation path they went down, you know what I mean. I don't know if that would happen. They were probably talking some grown woman stuff or reminiscing over what they did at work, and they did enough that pulled my mom back in. It was just dinner, it was just a moment of dinner in a hotel room in DC, but they forced it, but they forced it out of love.

Speaker 1: 24:29

So the last part is if there's somebody that you've been trying to reach and they're not answering, or they haven't responded or you ain't seen them in a while, it doesn't mean that they don't love you or they don't appreciate it or that you can't add value. Keep being pushy. If your intuition is I need to check on this person or love on them, go ahead and do that. Go ahead and do that Because, as I will call it, my mama's DC crew. They came in a moment and put some sunshine in our lives that let me know we weren't alone. Yes, they didn't live in Alabama. No, they're not blood related, but we got people. We got people and so do you.

Speaker 1: 25:31

The Snuggle-Ups Number one Time waits for no one. We hear that all the time. We grew up with it. I don't know how much we lean into it. I know for me it is wearing me out. Time seems to be running away from me, so why am I bringing it up now?

Speaker 1: 25:56

Caregivers, take photos of your LOs and their moments Record video. Get an audio even of them talking Simple things, walking, reading a magazine, them singing a song. Definitely, if family or friends are visiting, capture that whole moment Photos, videos, whatever. You can make a meme out of it. You can make a GIF who cares? But capture it Because as they decline it'll be helpful to remember where you started and to know that it hasn't always been this dark and this heavy. That's for you and for family members who aren't around as much For grandkids and great-grandkids that haven't been born yet. Archive it, trust me.

Speaker 1: 27:12

Number two, newbies, especially if you're a caregiving newbie. This is Jay Smiles, in my capacity as a lawyer giving you authority Y'all know I'm lying, anyway giving you authority to listen to your LO's voicemails, go into their email, go into their DMs on the social media. This is if your LO has some form of dementia and advanced cognitive decline and advanced cognitive decline. I think you should probably try to find out. Is there someone like my mama's DC crew, who slipped through the cracks right A meaningful part of their life that you don't know about. Who's trying to get in touch with them? They don't know what the hell happened. Just all of a sudden, their friend, their colleague, their role buddy, their ace, is just missing. That's what I'm saying. I don't think it's a break in their privacy under these circumstances. I mean, zeddy ain't had privacy since she became incontinent, all right, so anyway, stay at it.

Speaker 1: 28:44

Number three caregivers all of y'all the newbies, the OGs, the people in between, all of y'all the newbies, the OGs, the people in between. Let your family know who you consider to be your top three village members, because if something happens to you, even if you just have pneumonia for a week and you down, your family doesn't need to be guessing about who to call and who to tell they trying to remember who you were close to last year. They don't know who the hell you mad with. Now they're like, oh, that was her best friend. They travel all the time. Well, I'm going to tell you this who I travel with the most is actually not my best friend. Therefore, that would be a whole misnomer. So tell them caregivers, let them know so if something happens to you or if you're down for a minute, they're not also having to guess something that meaningful, because usually your village also knows the secondary and tertiary village members and they can just get the word out much faster than your family trying to break the code on your social media.

Speaker 1: 30:07

Thank you for tuning in. I mean really, really, really. Thank you so very much for tuning in. I mean really, really, really. Thank you so very much for tuning in. Whether you're watching this on YouTube or if you're listening on your favorite podcast audio platform. Either way, wherever you are, subscribe, come back. That's the way you're going to know when we do something next. Y'all know how it is. I'm J Smiles. I might just drop something hot in the middle of the night.