Gas, Guts, and the Golden Sample: A Caregiver Crashout

Ever wondered how far you'd go to care for someone you love? How much dignity you'd sacrifice? I found my answer on the side of I-20 during Atlanta rush hour.

When my mother started talking to people who weren't there, walking into walls, and fidgeting constantly, I suspected a UTI—those sneaky infections that can make dementia symptoms appear dramatically worse. After three grueling weeks of attempting to collect a urine sample from my incontinent mother, we finally succeeded. With my precious cargo secured, I had exactly one hour to reach a lab 45 minutes away.

What followed was nothing short of a caregiver's nightmare. Halfway to the lab, my body betrayed me, forcing an emergency roadside stop that left me sweating, shaking, and utterly humiliated—but still clutching that precious urine sample. You’ll have to listen to the episode for all that went down - listener discretion advised!

This raw, unfiltered story illustrates the invisible battles caregivers fight daily. We sacrifice comfort, dignity, and sometimes even our own health in service of those who depend on us. But in those moments of chaos and desperation, we discover reservoirs of strength we never knew existed.

If you're caring for someone with dementia, remember this: UTIs are the worst. They can cause dramatic behavioral changes that mimic worsening dementia. Before assuming your loved one's condition is deteriorating, check for infection. And never, ever stop advocating—even when it means pulling over on a busy highway or challenging medical professionals who stand in your way.

Subscribe to Parenting Up for more unvarnished truths about the caregiving journey. Because sometimes the messiest stories offer the most valuable lessons.

Chapters

• 0:00 The Caregiving Crisis Begins
• 8:54 Introduction to Parenting Up
• 13:51 Highway Emergency Strikes
• 24:04 The Roadside Incident
• 29:51 Racing Against Time
• 33:44 Fighting for Zeddy's Sample

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

My mom is acting really weird. She is talking to people who are not there. She is walking into the wall and she is fidgeting with her hands. Too much Sounds like a UTI, but I can't get medicine until somebody confirms that the urine has bacteria in it. All right, holly, if you hear me, who out there has started to let the gas out and felt like, mm-mm, this doesn't feel dry. There feels like this is a non-dry component to this gas. I put my hands on my hips, just like I'm doing with y'all. I looked at him. I said I know you f***ing lying. He said, excuse me. I said I know you f***ing lying. What's up? Parenting Up family.

Speaker 1: 0:56

It was a hot day, a hot, muggy-ass day, but it had taken us three long, hard, arduous weeks but finally. Finally, the whole team, zeddy, worked together and we got it A urine sample. Everybody who is a caregiver knows that is liquid gold. Don't give me diamonds, don't give me pearls. Don't give me cars, don't give me crypto. If you got an LO with dementia who might have a UTI, you got to have a urine sample. Finally we got it. I had about 60 minutes to get to the lab and we live 45 minutes away.

Speaker 1: 1:44

What could go wrong? Right, I mean shit. I've been driving fast. I was born driving fast. I came out of my mama's vaginal canal fast, right? Ok, well, this ain't caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles for nothing. Come on, let me, let me, let, let me, let me take you right to the scene of the crime and tell you how this all happened. Get ready, get ready, come on, saddle up, get ready. Parenting up. Caregiving Adventures with Comedian Jay Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama. For over a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything, with a heartbeat. Spoiler alert this shit is heavy. That's why I started doing comedy. So be ready for the jokes.

Speaker 1: 2:42

Caregiver newbies, ogs and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver you are in the right place. Hi, this is Zeddy. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast, is that okay? Today's supporter shout out is from YouTube. Chrissy S-SZ7VK. Thank you for sharing your insight to help patients, caregivers and loved ones. Exclamation point. You are welcome. It's my pleasure, actually, and very much so my honor. If you would like to be the recipient of a supporter shout out, you know what to do Leave a review. Youtube, apple Podcasts, ig and, of course, our text community. I'm waiting on you you, yeah, I'm waiting on exactly you to tell me how you feel, what you like, what you want to hear, what you prefer to get a little more of Yep Until next time.

Speaker 1: 3:53

Today's episode Gas Guts and the Golden Sample, a caregiver, crash out. Nothing in my caregiver life prepared me for this day. I mean nothing. I have brought you all to the scene of the crime. I really hope everybody is capturing this on Parenting Up video, our YouTube channel. But if you're not, and you're still just locked in to the audio because your eardrum is the way you prefer my storytelling, I'm going to tell you right now. The scene of the crime is my Jaguar F-Type Roadster. Now, that's important. I'm not trying to spit that I got a Jaguar F-Type Roadster, but it's important to the point of this story.

Speaker 1: 4:44

I hop in the car prepared to drive fast, to dart in and out and around traffic, because I only have 15 minutes to spare. And it's Atlanta. Traffic lives on our streets the same way that an odor lives on feces. You understand what I'm saying, like if you've never lived in Atlanta or visited here in various parts of the day, night. There is no pattern to our traffic, it just is All right. I hop in the car, I'm ready to go fast. I got only 15 minutes to maybe spare and I got to take the highway. The byways in boulevards and neighborhood streets. There's no way to get around it Y'all. I'm in the car, I get through my neighborhood, I get on the car. I get through my neighborhood, I get on the highway. I am on a United States federal interstate known as I-20. You can look it up on the Google or however you map. Go to Atlas if you want to.

Speaker 1: 6:13

I feel great, I'm listening to an audio book, I got the top down, I'm ready and then, with zero warning, I'm smacking my fist because that is what happens inside my belly. I told y'all it was the afternoon, I had breakfast, I had lunch and no problems, and then, all of a sudden, there was a rumble and a fight inside my stomach, like if anybody remembers when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield's ear and how the fight became another fight within the heavyweight fight, because how do you bite a man's ear in a professional setting, even if it is boxing? That's what was happening in my stomach in like literally two seconds. I had just got on the interstate. I was like, oh, maybe I got gas.

Speaker 1: 7:08

Got on the interstate I was like, oh, maybe I got gas. Okay, I'm going to let the gas out. All right, holly, if you hear me, who out there has started to let the gas out and felt like, mm-mm, this doesn't feel dry. There feels like this is a non-dry component to this gas. Maybe this isn't gas, maybe something else is about to pass out of my body, but I'm in the car and I have my mama's perfectly encapsulated urine sample.

Speaker 1: 7:43

Yall, let me tell you something, because I was so worried about my 15 minutes of grace period. I had already written her name, her birth date and the time that the urine sample was collected. I ain't new to this, I am true to this. I have my own urine sample cups. I have my own baggies and my own little sticky labels. Okay, all this because, if you did not know, a urine sample lasts only 24 hours. After that it's trash. So I gotta get it there.

Speaker 1: 8:23

I try to let the gas seep out. What I feel, y'all, is Like Juicy. But OK, I didn't go on myself, but you know how when a person is talking and they got juicy mouth and they just have a little bit of saliva in the corners. It's not enough to wipe. It's not about the drip out their mouth, but you're like, oh my God, you got juicy mouth. Do you know it? Will you please wipe your mouth before you keep talking? I felt like that was happening in my pants, but I'm on I-20 and I'm in a roadster, so I don't know if y'all drive roadsters or if anybody you know drives a little sports car.

Speaker 1: 9:17

Soon as you get on the highway, everybody wants to challenge you Mopeds, little grandmamas in Toyota, camrys, the 18 wheelers, definitely a Ferrari or a Corvette, everybody like they come up to you, slow down, get right beside you and I'm like I don't have time for this. Something's happening in my belly and I look up and I'm like, oh my God, ok, there's an exit, there's an exit, I can get off at the next exit. The next exit says a quarter mile and then a sharp knife goes through my belly button down to my pelvic area, and I feel a pain that makes me audible and I go, ah, oh my God, I don't know if I'm gonna make it, because this is a route that I normally take. I'm looking at the exit, y'all, and I'm like, oh shit, okay, wait, okay. Okay, for anybody who knows Atlanta, the exit is near North side. Okay, it's Whitehall street. So I'm looking, I'm like, okay, if I go, if I go left or go right, is there somewhere I can go to the bathroom within one block? I'm trying to work through in my mind and I'm like, oh hell, wait, okay. So there's, there is a, uh, there's a pack sack, old school shout out. And then there's there's a gas station. But they are both two or three blocks away. And then as I go to get into the right lane, y'all, my body tells me. Body tells me, heffa, if you think you got a quarter mile to get off this interstate and try to stop at a stoplight or a stop sign and then drive the car to a business, get out the car, go in a bathroom. You done lost your monkey ass mind. Go in a bathroom. You done lost your monkey ass mind. My body said pull over right now. Y'all I am.

Speaker 1: 11:32

It is the middle of the day, it is it's what they call five o'clock traffic in Atlanta. I start sweating bullets, like either I'm lying on the stand, my mama caught me sleeping with my cousin, this kind of sweating. You feel what I'm saying. I'm like, oh shit, I got to pull over. I got to pull over. I pull my car over fast. Everybody's blowing, they throwing the finger up at me because I don't put on a signal. I don't have time for it. I just got to get over.

Speaker 1: 12:11

I jump out the driver's seat, run around the back of the car that you see me sitting in right now, get to the passenger side, open up the door. I'm like, oh man, oh man, I got to throw up. So I open up the door. I assume the position. Anybody who's had a little too much to drink understands. You open up your knees really wide. You get your ankles out the way, your knees really wide. You get your ankles out the way as soon as I put my head between my knees. Uh-oh, it's not going to come out of my mouth. What is hurting my body does not want to come out of my mouth. I'm sorry, did y'all hear me? Did you hear me? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

Speaker 1: 13:16

It's after 4 pm on i-20 in atlanta. I'm about a quarter of a mile, half a mile, to where interstate 75, 85 hits 20, like. I don't know if there's a busier interstate conundrum going on in the whole united states like oh, oh, so yeah, and I'm in a two-seater. I know everybody's like, oh, jay, like uh-oh, so yeah, and I'm in a two-seater. I know everybody's like, oh, jay, just open up the back door. You know, girl, I know you say you from the south, open up the rear door and the front door and copper squat in between those doors as a barrier. What do you do when you in a two seater and you ain't got but two doors total, okay, and all the traffic is coming from behind, yeah, so, yep, yep, I actually, I ain, yep, I actually. I have a choice. That's what I want to say. I have a choice.

Speaker 1: 14:31

My pants were to my ankles in what you call a hot second. I did choose to not face the traffic because I want to see nobody looking at me. I'm a real lady. So I did move all of my pants and I bunched them up in my hand and grabbed them as far forward of my face as I could. I had a briefcase and I put the briefcase over my butt. Now, while the briefcase might have been covering the crack of my you know what Wahoo ass, it could not cover what came out Faster than you can say what you talking about, willis, or how the hell did Puffy get off? Faster than you can say any of that.

Speaker 1: 15:29

I deposited a banana curry colored mud pie, right, I mean about the size of a medium pizza. You know what I mean. Y'all know I go big, right, you go big, or go home. It just, and it was one fell swoop. There was no grunting, there was no strain and it was a clean drop. I want y'all to know it was a clean drop. There was nothing I didn't need to wipe. Yeah, my entire 15-minute grace period has now been used up. I'm only seven minutes from home, but I've used up the entire 15 minute grace period and now my stomach and esophagus and intestines are cramping and intestines are cramping hard.

Speaker 1: 16:41

Y'all. I am white-knuckling, bear-hugging like, intimately kissing my steering wheel, like you know. Forget 10 and 2. I am 12 and 12. I'm 6 and 6. I'm 3 and 3. All my arms are locked over everything and I'm barely looking over the steering wheel trying to drive. I can no longer drive fast. So the J smiles, you know, maybe the 80, 90 miles an hour. I am now the little old lady that everybody's blowing at Like why won't you drive faster, lady? And how dare you be in a Jaguar F-Type with the top down going 40. That's as fast as I can drive.

Speaker 1: 17:26

Because my body was shaking, because whatever was happening to me, my body was like I know you're not still driving, but y'all the liquid gold has to get to the test lab. I called my executive assistant and I was like yo, you're not going to believe what just happened. Can you meet me at the next exit and get the urine to take it to the lab? For me it was going to take her as long to get to me in Atlanta traffic as it would take me to get to the lab. So this is me, white knuckling, breathing deep. I had to turn the radio off, had to turn my phone off. I put the air conditioner on and I was like Lord, this is me and you Please don't let me need to stop anymore, because I don't even really care about what I might expel from my mouth or my bottom, but I don't have any more time to waste, because that is. This urine has to be collected. We've already been trying to figure out if she has a UTI, because she's starting to hallucinate and walk into the wall and we got to figure out if she has a UTI because she's starting to hallucinate and walk into the wall. And we got to figure out is this the disease or is it a UTI? It took three weeks to get this.

Speaker 1: 18:46

First of all, my caregivers might quit if I tell them oh, you know what, the sample expired because I had diarrhea. They're gonna be like, of all, we don't even believe you. You exaggerate. So I call the lab and I say I'm running a little behind Traffic. I don't tell them the truth. Hey, y'all, traffic is really bad. I might be about 15, 20 minutes behind. Can you please wait? I have this urine. I got to get you this sample. They say, cool, no problem. So then I rock and sway and moan for the next 42 minutes trying to get to the lab.

Speaker 1: 19:40

I get to the lab for Zeddy's urine about 12 minutes after they close. But remember, I called them and they said oh, oh, oh, it's fine, jay, keep coming, you can. You can bring it. We'll stay here, we'll wait on you. We understand the traffic. Bet, I walk in like this y'all.

Speaker 1: 20:05

And for anybody who is listening, I am doubled over, holding my abdomen, and I have the bag with the urine specimen in it, with the urine specimen in it, almost like it's. I'm waving the white flag. You know how the people in the war movies. I'm walking in like this and they say, oh oh, we forgot you were bringing urine. We thought you were bringing back her medical records. Are you kidding me? The lady tells me the lab tech left five minutes ago. There's nobody here to test your mom's urine. We just waited for you. Ma'am, for what? Why did you wait for me? Why, if you can't test her urine, you are useless.

Speaker 1: 21:09

I slammed the urine on the table Slam is strong because I didn't want anything to happen to it and I said I got to go to your bathroom. Real bad, I was holding it. I blow up their toilet. Anybody who has come in there in the last two months after me still feels the remnants of what I did. It was awful and I thought I was going to have to let some more come out the top, out my mouth, but it didn't happen. I cleaned myself up. I walk out. I'm sweating, like hair has turned into a full Afro. There are no more curlicues. I get to the desk I'm sweating, like hair has turned into a full afro. There are no more curlicues. I get to the desk I'm like, hey, I got this urine. I'm shaking the bag I got this urine. It took us three weeks to get this sample.

Speaker 1: 22:01

The urine has the odor, the smell, the cloudiness. My mom is acting really weird. She is talking to people who are not there. She is walking into the wall and she is fidgeting with her hands. Too much Sounds like a UTI, but I can't get medicine until somebody confirms that the urine has bacteria in it. We're so sorry, but the laptop is gone.

Speaker 1: 22:36

Y'all I start scratching my head and I'm looking at them with some Birdman. Are we done or are we finished? I'm feeling like Denzel Washington and John Q, like I need you to give my kid this kidney. I'm about to shoot myself so you can take my kidney, my heart, whatever it is. You don't understand.

Speaker 1: 22:56

We can't get no more urine from Zeddy. You know what I mean. Like I don't know if y'all have ever had to get urine from somebody, but this is the problem. Zeddy's incontinent. Most of the time her urine goes into the adult brief. It's just right there in the cotton. Do you know how hard it is to time when somebody that is incontinent, can get to the toilet. Oh, and I'm sorry, not have any BM, only urine. It's a lot, it's a whole lot. Oh, and not to mention, you're supposed to very carefully wipe them right before you get the specimen. So it's a clean vaginal area. You know what I got your clean vaginal area. I got your clean vaginal area. I digress, let me get back on point.

Speaker 1: 23:48

I say listen, do you know of any other lab or anybody anywhere in the whole Atlanta? Because I can't take this home. My caregivers might quit the five of us. There are five of us in one city and the five of us took three weeks to get this damn thing. And one little lady says well, we have a sister lab but it closes in about 10 minutes and that's the last lab that we know of. That could really give you the response that you need in terms of testing for all the things that would be in your mom's urine. It closed in 10 minutes.

Speaker 1: 24:33

Why the hell do you tell me that? When I walked in, ok, that's on my inside, I said OK, cool, can you give me that address? They give me the address. You mind calling them and telling them? I'm on the way, just in case I'm getting there like eight minutes. I kid y'all not, they look me straight in the face. Oh, jay, so we don't have their number. Like our phones don't connect. We we're sister properties but we're not connected with our equipment.

Speaker 1: 25:13

I know what Lady, who, how come you can't call him? Where's your cell phone? Where is the regular number that's on the Internet? Just call him like a regular person. Help me out, I'm in distress. You see what's going on. You smell what's coming out of your toilet. Really, do we have to say it? Anyway, I leave them, I scurry.

Speaker 1: 25:38

I get there with two minutes left in the day, closing, 10 minutes. I run up the steps. I'm scared that the elevator won't get me to the fourth floor. I run up the steps, I get in. You're supposed to sign in. I don't. I'm like I cannot wait to sign in the time that it takes me to get a pen and sign the paper and push the paper in front of the little lady who ain't even at her desk because it's close to closing and she's already going to do her little hand sanitation and put her fucking outside shoes on y'all know how the people do in the medical places and leave. So I go right to the test desk. Brother man comes back hey, ma'am, baby, girl, baby, we already closed.

Speaker 1: 26:31

Sir, y'all, I've been over elbow on the counter hand on my forehead, barely able to talk to him, forehead, barely able to talk to him. I'm like okay, I understand, but I'm in here, I don't need you to see me, I'm just dropping off a specimen. I don't want to be seen, I don't need to talk to nobody. He said, okay, cause I was about to say. I was about to say if you need to see, I was like there's time you talking to me right now.

Speaker 1: 27:04

We could have been halfway through Said I have a urine, oh no, no urine. I thought oh no, I didn't know you had a urine sample. Okay, listen. So with the urine we have to have refrigeration and we don't have no refrigeration and I'm not gonna be able to take that and I don't even have an order for you. I said the order's already in the system. The order came from your sister group that couldn't call you because y'all don't have people that talk to each other on the telephone, which I don't understand.

Speaker 1: 27:35

But don't let me start that. He said I can't take the urine. I put my hands on my hips, just like I'm doing with y'all. I looked at him. I said I know you fucking lying. He said at him. I said I know you fucking lying. He said excuse me. I said I know you fucking lying. You don't want to know what it took for me to get this urine to you, hands on my hips. I said baby, somebody in here is taking this urine. It took me three weeks. So I go back through and tell him the whole story. It took me three weeks. So I go back through and tell him the whole story. It took me three weeks. By this time I'm starting to shake Y'all. I'm holding my hand up with this baggie of my mama's urine. I'm starting to shake because I can't tell if I'm about to drop my second banana.

Speaker 1: 28:21

Yellow curry mud pie. It is tricky, right. And this dude tells me ma'amam, I'm so sorry, it doesn't really matter, I can't take the urine because I don't have any refrigeration. I really get weepy, I mean real weepy. Well, you know voice trembling and I'm like I rushed over here. I went to the other place, I came through traffic. I didn't tell him about the mud pie.

Speaker 1: 28:55

The order is in. Will you please just go look in your system for the order. They told me if I got to you, there is some kind of after hours people that come pick up urine. This is what your boy told me. This is what your boy told me. I've never heard of an after-hours pickup for urine. And I'm leaning into the camera on purpose saying it with my chest.

Speaker 1: 29:15

I then asked, because I'm a comedian how long have you worked here? This motherfucker said three weeks. I know you fucking lying. Are you really trying to check me on what the rules, process and procedures are? And you ain't made it a month. That means you probably haven't even cashed your first paycheck, baby.

Speaker 1: 29:47

He did go. He checked the system that his name was in there. All the stuff was in there. It said take the urine, pick me up. I am leaving my car at this lab. I could not drive home. Do y'all feel what I'm saying? I didn't have the stamina to drive home. I just left my car in the middle of nowhere. I was like that car. I got to pick me. Somebody has to choose Jay, card. I gotta pick me. Somebody has to choose Jay. And yeah, zeddy had a two-strand, double-resistant UTI.

Speaker 1: 30:40

So fight through it, caregivers. Fight through it, baby. Fight through it. Fight through it, baby. Fight through it, the snuggle ups.

Speaker 1: 30:52

Number one Caregivers, new, old, in between, newbies, ogs, shmediums Don't worry about how much expertise you have. What you don't know Will you have what it takes. In the moment I did not have a clue of what was before me and if you had asked me even the day before if I could have weathered the story I just shared with you about my dump on the highway and still getting through it, I would have told you, hell, no, I already said I don't know what's gonna happen, but there's no way I could keep driving. It is amazing what resolve and passion and purpose and fidelity when you are committed to something greater than oneself. It kind of just takes over. So just know and trust and lean into the notion that you will know how to do what you need to do when the time gets critical and everything else, don't worry about it.

Speaker 1: 32:18

Number two UTIs are the devil. They are the devil. They are worse than taxes. They are worse than that ex that cheesed on you, took your money and embarrassed you in front of all your friends. I mean they are. You can't underestimate how stupid they can make your LO act present. So even if you have somebody that you love, your LO act present. So even if you have somebody that you love that may not have dementia, if they are over 65 and acting weird, whatever that word means to you please test their urine first. It is a simple test. It's fast, it's inexpensive, you ain't really got to wait. All over the world, no matter where you are, they do have examinations in less than 24 hours to tell you if you have a UTI, and there are all kinds of antibiotics. Listen, thank me later.

Speaker 1: 33:29

Number three advocating for your LO, at least to J Smiles, it is a divine and constitutional right. You have the right to push as many buttons on as many people and piss as many people off as necessary in the advocation. Is that a word? Anyway, it is because I just said it For your LO the number of people who attempted to tell me that it was too late that day and that their urine couldn't be tested, even more than I told you about in this episode. I did truncate it, I left a few things out just for the sake of editing. But you ain't about to tell me what can't happen for my mama. If it's possible and not horribly illegal, you about to give it to me. I want you to walk into, snuggle up into the fact that advocating for your LO is your birthright. Be pushy, do whatever it takes.

Speaker 1: 34:43

Thank you for tuning in. I mean really, really, really. Thank you so very much for tuning in. I mean really, really, really. Thank you so very much for tuning in, whether you're watching this on YouTube or if you're listening on your favorite podcast audio platform. Either way, wherever you are, subscribe, come back. That's the way you're going to know when we do something next. Y'all know how it is. I'm Jayce Miles. I might just drop something hot in the middle of the night.