Parenting UP! Caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles

Is Caregiving Your Calling?

• J Smiles • Season 6 • Episode 12

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What does it look like to choose love—and keep choosing it, day after day? We sit down with JET, a grandson who decided his grandmother with dementia wouldn’t go to a facility. He brought her into his home, rebuilt his life around her needs, and learned how dignity lives in small rituals: clean sheets, a sharp outfit, a slow stroll through every aisle at the market just to smell the spices. It’s funny, tender, and honest about what caretaking really takes.

JET walks us through the first clues that something was off—credit-card charges, memberships, late-night orders—and how financial habits can be early flags in Alzheimer’s and dementia care. You’ll hear how a neighbor, Miss Tommy, became an unsung hero, how overnight shifts kept the lights on, and why community might be the most underrated part of elder care.

We talk about men in caregiving, identity, and what competence really looks like when schedules, bathing, meds, and meals collide. There’s laughter—coriander adventures and “field trips” down grocery aisles—and there’s grief.

If you’re navigating dementia, Alzheimer’s, or family caregiving, you’ll leave with practical ideas: build your support early, accept help without guilt, protect dignity through small routines, and keep joy on the calendar. Most of all, you’ll feel less alone. Subscribe, leave a review, and share this with someone who’s carrying the load—what’s one small ritual that kept you going?


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SPEAKER_03:

Up said hey Mop needs to go and ask someone else out. I'm gonna get it in a tell you what's not gonna happen. How does that go?

SPEAKER_01:

If you press on, that means there's a good rest of the heavy that might have been like you don't think it was just with comedian data.

SPEAKER_03:

It's the expectation of unexpected and fully responsible for my mom. I've been full of the windows of the training for her. I hope you enjoy my daughter's today's supporter shout out is from YouTube at Latrell Petit 4066. Congratulations, Janae. Happy birthday, Queen Zetti. Party hat emoji and red heart emoji. Thank you so very much. Zetty is a queen, and it was a happy birthday indeed. If you would like to be the recipient of a supporter shout out, and I hope you want to be, because I can't wait to hear from you, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, YouTube, or Instagram. We are Parenting Up Everywhere. Today's episode is Caregiving Your Calling. Family, you know what it is, you know what it does. It's your girl Jay Smiles, and we're about to pop into a hot and hilarious episode with my guy. Some call him Jet, like the magazine. Some people say he said Jet Black because he happens to not be light-skinned. I don't think that's any of it. I see Jet because what he does is take over the room fast. Phew! Just like airplanes do. Okay? So my guy, Jamel Terrell. Nope, that's not his middle name. That is the last name, which is why I told y'all Jet. There's an E in there. We ain't getting into all of that. I met this dude before anything about caregiving. He knew my daddy. So y'all know this is a soft spot in my heart. All right, Jet, how you doing, baby?

SPEAKER_01:

Good, baby. Good to be here with you, Janae. Good to be here with you. Thank you. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03:

Now, listen, we met, I ain't gonna even say.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, please.

SPEAKER_03:

And emons to you young people, that means two weeks, okay? Exactly. Pick it up, ask your mama. We'll get to how I met you and why I've known you that long. Okay. A little later. Okay. But right now, this is the Parenting Up Podcast. We are here to talk about being a family caregiver for individuals with dementia, Alzheimer's, uh, Parkinson's, anything in a dementia family. And before we get into how crazy you are, just for no reason, I want to talk about your life as a caregiver. So you actually were deep in it.

SPEAKER_01:

Deep.

SPEAKER_03:

Tell us about who did you care for?

SPEAKER_01:

My grandmother.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Murphy May.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Murfree. Okay. Oh, Murphy. Murphy.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_04:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, yeah, my grandmother. Um, very, very important figure in my life. Okay. Very important figure in my life. And um, just a really unique lady. And I mean, like all of us, we have grandmothers that we love just poured into us and everything like that. So um, when it got time for her to, when she started to decline um some really hard questions, you know, going on in the family. And to me, I'm like a really, you know me, I'm really lighthearted and everything like that. And to me, it just wasn't a question. Like, this lady taught me how to love me. So how I cannot like give that back. Exactly. So it was just one of those things, it was just like a no-brainer. Now I did not know what I was getting myself into. Had you known. Well, no, no, okay. Okay. Had I known, I think I still would have done it, but um I probably would have uh implored a lot more help.

SPEAKER_03:

I love that.

SPEAKER_01:

I would have. I definitely.

SPEAKER_03:

Looking back on it, you would have established a crew, a network, a support system in advance. So tell me, and this is for our viewers and listeners who might be very new to this, okay? Because we get people from all over the world. Some, their family members got diagnosed last week.

SPEAKER_04:

Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Others, the family member is now in heaven. So it's a wide range. Okay. Did you see your grandmother declining before she was diagnosed? Did you say, hey, you know what? I know people get old and they forget where your purse is, but something ain't right with her. Did you have that?

SPEAKER_01:

No. Embarrassingly, I did not.

SPEAKER_03:

Don't be embarrassed.

SPEAKER_01:

I was embarrassed because I'm so close with her. And it was like, what happened, Janae? She started reverting back to, like, yes, she had gotten older and everything like that, a little bit of slow pace and things like that. Um, her mind was still really, really good all the way up until the end.

SPEAKER_04:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

But this is what um the triggers that the little indicators that started to come. Um, one day, my uncle, who lived in DC, he um, we were talking about, because he was her power of attorney. Okay. And so we were talking about um some of her bills. Something, something that had happened or whatever. My grandmother would stay up late and watch these infomercials, and all of a sudden, she was paying like$2,000 for the Cat Society. And she had bought like uh, she had re-established her um wine club collection and everything like that. Now, as embarrassed as I was about not knowing that the dementia was onset of the, I'm thinking that my grandfather, she always had book clubs, wine clubs, all that stuff like that. I'm just thinking that, hey, she's still turning up.

SPEAKER_03:

She's still turning up, right?

SPEAKER_01:

And it was, and the wine was great. So And who doesn't want a little wine? Who don't want a little wine?

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, okay. So, um Now, where was she living at the time?

SPEAKER_01:

In St. Louis. Me and my grandmother were in St. Louis, and my Uncle Donald was in D.C. He was an attorney, and you know, obviously, because that's her son, you know, she felt comfortable with having him as power of attorney. But I was day-to-day uh caregiver.

SPEAKER_03:

I gotcha.

SPEAKER_01:

And so initially it was fine because she was in her house, I was in my house.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, but then after he so many calls started to come, okay, I knew that I had to, we had to be together.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. So did she ask you to move in? Did the family ask you to move in, or you did that on your own?

SPEAKER_01:

Um, I did that on my own. And I I did it on my own. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Um, my uncle had made this, had made this executive decision that he was going to come and put her in a facility. And that just did not work for me. So I made the decision that she's just gonna come to my house.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

And that's what we're gonna do.

SPEAKER_03:

Unc said, hey, mama needs to go and have someone help out. I'm gonna get her in a facility. Jet said, I'm gonna tell you what's not gonna happen. Mama about to be with me. Here's my question. How did that go over in the family? Because you, if you the grandson, that means there's a generation ahead of you, children that might have opinions that you don't share.

SPEAKER_01:

Correct.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

And that was a great way of saying that, Jay. Because that it really was exactly how it happened in my family. Um, yeah, I guess I did overstep. You know, in hindsight, I guess I did. Um, but I don't regret it, A, because I know my heart was in a good place. And then B, um, which is probably more importantly, is that I was boots on the ground. Okay. So my Uncle Donald, like I said, was in DC. I had another uncle in San Francisco, and then my dad was there, but um There we go. That's a whole nother conversation. That's right. Because I care good, I was a his caregiver as well.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_01:

So, um, because they weren't there, um, I felt like my opinion superseded theirs.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I'm for it. So I don't think there's anything to apologize about. I just wondered if they gave you hell.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, they did give me hell, and I do all so, you know, black folks, southern families, and stuff like that. It's not necessarily apologies, but you are very um concerned about stepping on toes, especially when it's uh members of the the the previous generation. It's just something about a sense of respect and like it's just how hierarchy of things and how we all go. So I was concerned, and it and they did kind of give me a little hard of, you know, a little hard time. Um but I think that after they all realized how well I was taking care of their mother, then it just became like, oh, okay, okay. And then I honestly think that they were happy that somebody, I kind of relieved them in a certain kind of way.

SPEAKER_03:

Right. In a way that they could trust, they could trust you.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

They knew you were connected to her.

SPEAKER_04:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

And like, let's just be bold and frank with it, that meant they didn't have to pay for the facilities. They didn't have to check on her.

SPEAKER_04:

Yep.

SPEAKER_03:

They didn't have to come do a weekend. Yep. Because baby boy got it. Exactly. I noticed you named a daddy and a couple of uncles. That's all men.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

And there were any daughters, granddaughters? No.

SPEAKER_01:

No daughters, no granddaughters.

SPEAKER_03:

Now, you know, it's not the most common story in family caregiving.

SPEAKER_01:

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03:

Where it's all sons and grandsons, and then the grandson says, I got mama.

SPEAKER_02:

Right.

SPEAKER_03:

Had you been a caregiver ever before? Did you think about nursing? Did look, did you do um CPR at the Y? Nope.

SPEAKER_01:

Nope, nope, no. Um, but I wasn't afraid of that.

SPEAKER_03:

Why not?

SPEAKER_01:

Because I had spent a lot of time with my grandmother.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Like, like a lot of time.

SPEAKER_03:

Like all the time. Like all the time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And she was um, when I tell you, when I say, I kind of like uh kind of tongue in cheek when I say um she taught me how to love myself before I she taught me how to love me. Okay. That's not hyperbole at all. This is a real, real thing. And because of that, our bond was just there. Now, she was a particular woman. So I didn't know um all of that until I got into it. Uh-huh. Um, but I just felt like even if we were able to find the best facility ever with the best caregivers ever, they're gonna have more than just her to deal with. And I just didn't want her to have to wait one second for anything, any of the stuff, any of the services that she needed.

SPEAKER_03:

My grandmama ain't gonna be sitting peeked.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03:

See, I tried to. So tell the truth, baby. Parents and up podcasts, we cuss, we dime out other family members.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, yes, okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Because shit, they did it. We didn't do it, we just telling the story.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely, absolutely. And that's so okay, so now I didn't want her to sit in nothing.

SPEAKER_03:

That's fine.

SPEAKER_01:

For too long. That's fine. You know, she this lady was a very particular one the way she didn't leave the house without a face on and all of the stuff. And so I wanted her to transition with some dignity.

SPEAKER_03:

I love it.

SPEAKER_01:

And integrity.

SPEAKER_03:

And um now, what was your career at the time?

SPEAKER_01:

So the legal part. Well, so I had taken a break. So I was working for the mayor in Atlanta, and then I had um left because she had a slip and fall first.

SPEAKER_03:

Um you went you moved back because of her.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Even before you were full-time per se.

SPEAKER_01:

Correct.

SPEAKER_03:

You actually moved back home because of her needs.

SPEAKER_01:

Correct.

SPEAKER_03:

That's my story too. That's what got me back to the South. Caring for people. Yep.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow. I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_03:

My grandparents. Oh. It was my mom's mom who got ill, and I said, I gotta get back to the South.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I I found it though for a minute, because I didn't want to go back home. St. Louis is not any.

SPEAKER_03:

It's not Atlanta.

SPEAKER_01:

It's not Atlanta.

SPEAKER_03:

Let's leave it at that. Okay. Just in case somebody from the loo watched this.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

And they're like, I know he damn sure didn't. Alright, so but you get back there. Yes. How old was she when she was diagnosed? Ish.

SPEAKER_01:

Um 91.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, so she was kicking it. Oh, yeah. She had been living by herself that long.

SPEAKER_01:

That long.

SPEAKER_03:

What did she eat? I need to go ahead and pick that up on the way home.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, she raised and she taught me how to raise some Swiss shards. Okay. We raised um so much peas, uh, cabbage, uh, tomatoes. Um one year we did a um some watermelon up the tree, you know, because they gotta grow up and with a little yellow flower in there. Yeah, so we had to do all of that. But um, so she and she always felt like So that's organic. It's organic.

SPEAKER_03:

Look, for the kids, that means organic. If you grow it in your own backyard, organic.

SPEAKER_01:

Please and thanks. Yes, okra.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, I love that.

SPEAKER_01:

Um just all the things, man. And it was um it was a blessing to be able to spend that kind of quality time with her. And I didn't know it at the time. You never know um the assignment when you're in it, kind of thing. But some of the nuggets that she gave me, like I remember one time we were out back in our garden and she was and she was like, Jamel, I believe that this is the key to life. It's like you have to physically put your hands in the earth.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01:

And um, and that always stuck with me.

SPEAKER_03:

That's a big deal.

SPEAKER_01:

It is. I thought so anyway.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean, we out here in this beautiful park. I'm about to go grab me some dirt and just roll it all around my arms.

SPEAKER_01:

Take your shoes off. It can't hurt nothing.

SPEAKER_03:

Everything is crazy as hell right now. You can't hurt.

SPEAKER_01:

Gosh, don't even mention it. I'm not, I'm not. Don't even mention it.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm not. Did you find yourself needing caregivers to come into the home to give you breaks? Did you have family members, neighbors? Obviously, you weren't in the house 24-7. In the moments where you weren't in the house, how did you handle that?

SPEAKER_01:

Um, not the best, I don't, looking back in hindsight. So I think that um. Oh wow, you are really unpacking a lot of stuff here. Okay, so Janae, because there was an all-male crew in my in a family or whatever, I think that, and it was a little contentious first. I think that I was hell bent on being right. Uh I was hell bent on being right. And because of that, I didn't employ help from my uncles and from my cousins and stuff like that. So um I had a hard time.

SPEAKER_04:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, but I had a neighbor that was two, three doors down. Okay. And she saw me one day, me and my grandmother, we used to go on Saturday mornings, we would go, we would do our three S's. Schnooks, Sular, and Sam's. Oh. Okay. And that's what my grandmother thing. She loved doing all of that. Soulard was a um uh uh was a um is a farmer's market. Okay. And then Schnooks is another grocery store, and then Sam's for her bulk. Okay. And then we come back in and then she starts preparing stuff.

SPEAKER_03:

I love it.

SPEAKER_01:

So this neighbor, uh, Miss Tommy, Miss Tommy saw me and my grandmother coming in one Saturday, and she didn't say anything or whatever, but a couple weeks later she was like, Oh, you take care of your grandmother. I was like, Yeah, she's like, okay. She was like, Well, you know, if you ever need anything, kind of let me know. So I was like, all right, fine. Now nobody's independently wealthy. So I need to, so I need to work.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

But how can I work? So I got this job at this hotel two blocks away from the house.

SPEAKER_04:

What?

SPEAKER_01:

Overnight.

SPEAKER_04:

What?

SPEAKER_01:

So after I put her down, I would call Miss Tommy and be like, Miss Tommy, she down.

SPEAKER_04:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

You got a key. When I'm about to go to work, I'll be back at 7 o'clock. Like, you know, if anything happened between, just let me know. So that's how I manage that. And then all the other stuff, um, I didn't really didn't get a pregnant.

SPEAKER_03:

I gotta say this. Shout out to all the Miss Tommies, okay, across the world that see the family caregiver and ask us what we need before we even know to make a request.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

And then they actually show up and do it.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, see, this is the thing about that, Janae. I think that I think that we lose, I think we lost community as the generation's gotten down because it seemed like to me that all the older people like that that were concerned with her, anytime we would go out and they would see me with her, like it just was, it was, it was, it was unbelievable, like a whole world unlocked. Okay of of elderly people. This is this weren't people like my age or whatever, they just saw me taking care of her, and then they would come up to me at Sam's and say, Oh, this is all good, baby. You need anything, let me grab that for you. Like, I'm 6'6, I can get it, ma'am, but thank you.

SPEAKER_03:

And thank you, stranger.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

When my family members and friends and maybe not have been around as often.

SPEAKER_01:

I think that when people um share a common bond, it makes them want to be of in service.

SPEAKER_03:

I love it. You know. I love it. I love it. I remember you telling me in our little prep pre- uh chat about this that uh it was funny to me.

SPEAKER_04:

Okay.

SPEAKER_03:

That you said uh the men in your family and the generation above, they said, Well, we know we know why you're good at taking care of mama. That shit had me rolling.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it is. You know what?

SPEAKER_03:

Go ahead and share with the people why why your uncles and your daddies said, well, the only reason why you better than us at taking care of mama is because you gay.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

That is listening. I we are, let me say this, we are sitting in the park. We just participated in the walk to end Alzheimer's. It is the biggest Alzheimer's day of awareness and money raising ever to exist. And we have watched everybody break the stuff down, and now the sun is shining, and we got trees behind us and birds chirping. I almost fell off the chair the way he said, Well, because you gay. Now, what's hilarious to me and also bullshit is that why they couldn't just let you have it. Just let it be that you're good at something that they could use some improvement. But no, no, no, no, no. They got to figure out how come there is an excuse as to why you good and they not good. Sometimes we just better than our elders. Sometimes we're just better. We're just better. Not at everything, but at some stuff, we're just better. But that tickled me.

SPEAKER_01:

You know what? Um it was one of those things for me. Um yes, I laughed it off. Um, but because of my family history, I know, I knew it before they said it. Okay. Okay, that's so let me like that wasn't a new phenomenal dynamic that like why would they say something like that? I knew what that what it was before they said it. Um, I don't know. Listen, it may be, I listen, I don't care. The book cares. As long as this lady gets what she needs, I don't care how she got it. Um, but I think that I think that, Janae, sometimes men feel so inept when they can't do um provide for loved ones. Um that that frustration turns into anger or or they lash out at that. And it's and it um it's simply because and then and I'm not listening I'm not trying to, you know, I didn't have knockdown, drag out fights with these guys or with these men in my family or whatever, but I do know that they not know they they aren't um evil heart or you know, got maliciousness in their hearts. Um but I do think that sometimes um I can do better things.

SPEAKER_03:

And you were better. And I was better. Everybody saw it.

SPEAKER_01:

And everybody saw it.

SPEAKER_03:

We don't really care why. We don't really care why.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

What were some things that happened while you were caring for your grandmother that really gave you a belly laugh or made you say, I just can't believe that that just happened? Like what in the world, you know, like what just happened?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my god, where do I start with that?

SPEAKER_03:

Anyone you want, baby.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03:

Um anything about um maybe the patterns that you all had or the schedule that you thought you were gonna keep. Oh, yeah. But then she ain't want to keep the same schedule you wanted to keep. Or food.

SPEAKER_01:

Food was a big one.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Um again, my grandmother taught me how to raise food. So food was a big thing, right? She's the only female, so she always cooked for all of us. So food was a big thing. But in the end, or during the end, she could not eat anything. But I was still used to her or whatever. So I baking big meals, preparing big.

SPEAKER_03:

You like, it's Easter Sunday dinner on Tuesday.

SPEAKER_01:

On a Tuesday.

SPEAKER_03:

In June.

SPEAKER_01:

And then she's gonna get to the table and very, very peckish. And that's real nice.

SPEAKER_03:

Right, and you like, I know so well. I didn't just slave over this stove. And then I started kind of complex, because can I not cook as good? Right, you like, is it not good? It don't taste good.

SPEAKER_01:

No, she just didn't have any appetite. And then she started kind of like, um, so and then the doctors were telling me like that was a part of the decline. Yeah. You know, the loss of appetite. Um, but there was just a lot of road trips, a lot of funnies, a lot of um Road trips? Oh, yeah. Like our Saturday morning trips was a thing.

SPEAKER_03:

And you, and but she got in the car and went with you? Yes. I ain't know if Miss Neighbor stayed in the city. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_01:

We got these streets. And we have to go through every aisle. Every one of them.

SPEAKER_03:

Was she pointing at stuff?

SPEAKER_01:

Or you just knew what to get? Point. So the things that I knew to get, I knew to get. Okay. But she still likes the see the aisle is the field trip.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

She's gonna discover some stuff and it was. I love that.

SPEAKER_03:

I never thought about that. The aisle is the field trip.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, go to the into the spice, uh, little spice store where all the fresh spices is. So you smelling this, and she wants to get a what are we doing it for? We ain't gonna eat it. We're not gonna eat it. What she wants to smell, so okay, give me some of that.

SPEAKER_03:

Like, I'm going home. I'm going on. Basket full of coriander. Coriolander. I don't even know how you say that. Yes, yes. Okay, okay. As she started to slow down and transition to maybe not being able to get out of the bed, or maybe not being able to communicate with you, how did you manage internally?

SPEAKER_01:

Um maybe you didn't manage. I don't think that I did. Okay. You know, in hindsight, you you know, hindsight is always better or whatever, but um, in the moments of that, you just um go through it and you don't really process, you can't um um assess it at the time that you were you're experiencing it. So I just would say these this was a bad day. This wasn't such a great day, you know. Or um, and just have those if she had a one-off today, or those kinds of things. Um and then just kind of go by go with it. And a gro and a beautiful thing, because we had such a bond, those kind of um um moments where it was you didn't know what to do, right? They were they were kind of fleeting because then she'll come back to herself and then it's me here. So then me and her would come back with us like what we do.

SPEAKER_03:

So yeah, but it but did you end up having to take a little brown look at night after that? I did.

SPEAKER_01:

A little.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay. Well, I didn't I was just trying to ease into it.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Remy Martin 1738 was what got me. Well, I'm gonna tell that Wooford.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

I like a little one.

SPEAKER_03:

The Woof made it work.

SPEAKER_01:

The Woofer made it work.

SPEAKER_03:

Listen, ain't nothing wrong with it.

SPEAKER_01:

Splash of ginger beer. You got you do like ginger. I like it.

SPEAKER_03:

Y'all, he just went and bought$700 worth of ginger from the food truck lady right outside the Alzheimer's walk. And that's fine. It was his money. I didn't see him do anything illegal to get it. I said I didn't see it, and it's fine. Either way, I might have to stop. And get some of that ginger with that splash, okay? I've heard this many times when you've been so deeply entrenched into giving care to a family member. And then with you, it's you and your grandmama, y'all been thick steeds, and now y'all become one pee in the pie.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Then she leaves Earth in a physical sense. All of a sudden, there's a lot of time open for you. Maybe there's a lot more money. Yeah. Uh you can leave St. Louis if you want to. What was that modification of life like for you? How did you feel? What did you do? Was it like, oh shit, I don't know what to do with myself?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, wow. That was really, really good because uh really good question. Because um, I had come to St. Louis eight years earlier, and I had come because she had a slip and fall, and it was nothing to do with anything about her having dementia because she didn't have dementia at that time. It was just a slip and fall injury. Um, so and I stayed in the house with her for about a year, and then I got my own space, my own house. They gave me my own house. Um but when she left we never did really get the kind of chance to talk to her about my father. My father was also in her house. I told you that I had taken her house, taken her to brought her to my house.

SPEAKER_04:

Right.

SPEAKER_01:

But my dad was living at with her at her house, and so he stayed there. My father ended up dying five days before my grandmother.

SPEAKER_03:

Shut up, everybody. Wait a minute now. You done buried the lead. You didn't buried the lead. Not five days. And in her house.

SPEAKER_01:

In her house.

SPEAKER_03:

Your daddy, which is what makes her your grandmama.

SPEAKER_01:

Correct.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, like you can't get to her without him.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, right.

SPEAKER_03:

Damn it.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. So.

SPEAKER_03:

Had he been ill? Um kinda, or kinda. It was a surprise.

SPEAKER_01:

It was. It really, really was. It really was. And as a matter of fact, that the uh the our last conversation was, I mean, I knew I was taking, I was taking care of both of them. She was the more um urgent to prioritize, the priority. But we knew that she was going to go, transition. Yeah. Um, so I had talking to him, like, okay, I can't be in St. Louis. I had I've grown this place. Like, listen, love you, daddy, but you're gonna pack a bag and come with me. That's right. So I was like, look.

SPEAKER_03:

When grandmama decides to go, me and you gonna leave too.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. So let me, and and and right now, I don't, I'm not working like overnight. I'm gonna leave that job because I can't be in St. Louis anyway. It was a it was just an uh uh opportunity to unemployment just so I can have some money, some haircut money. That's the grandmama said. You need some haircut money, boy.

SPEAKER_03:

My grandmama used to say something for a cold Coca-Cola.

SPEAKER_01:

A cold Coca-Cola?

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, in a bottle. In a bottle, baby. If you had enough money for a cold Coca-Cola, not a Coke, a cold Coca-Cola, then your life is fine.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03:

All right, so you said, all right, Dad, we're gonna have.

SPEAKER_01:

So we gonna have to leave.

SPEAKER_03:

So this How did he what did he say today?

SPEAKER_01:

Nay, this was the most amazing conversation. Our last conversation that Sunday, Easter morning. Um, I had gotten up early and I wasn't, and I got up real, real early. Remember, I told you that I would go overnight or whatever because she could stay down. I gotten up really, really early so that I could go have breakfast with him for Easter and then be back by the time she gets really.

SPEAKER_03:

You better be a double depth.

SPEAKER_01:

We gotta uh this thing. Yes, you know, take it and make it. Right. So we go, have breakfast, come back, I get in front of the house. We're having this conversation. We're talking about, you know, the transition. I was like, listen, is there any place that you've read about my dad's the Isle Reaving, as you read or that you you've seen, or you just saw on TV or somewhere that you wanna go? Just think of a place, any place that you want to go, and let's do it. We just gonna do that. We're gonna start it out like that. We won't move. We just gonna go and we're gonna explore wherever the place that is that you want to explore. And because I had to kind of like.

SPEAKER_03:

You are leaving me breathless at the way you were loving on your family. Now you keep talking, but you got me fucked up. Keep on. Oh, thank you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Because I don't, you know, when you in it, you don't think of it like that. You just think of it like these are the things that I have to do to survive to make it work. Um, I knew that I.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm just saying, because you were putting them first.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. But they have been putting me first for so long. Like, Janae, really, that lady love the.

SPEAKER_03:

I know you spoiled you ain't gotta tell me. Listen, listen.

SPEAKER_01:

And I don't want to say it like that, but like.

SPEAKER_00:

You talk. I love her. She loved me.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, yeah, so um So he so he said, we think of somewhere. Did he ever say anything?

SPEAKER_01:

He so he said, okay, I'm gonna think about it. Now this is Sunday. Jamel, I get my money, my check on Tuesday. Okay? Okay. And then I when I get my money, I want you to take me clothes shopping. You always looking good. I want you to take me clothes shopping.

SPEAKER_03:

I know that's right.

SPEAKER_01:

I said, all right, we listen, I got him on the hook. I got him. About to reel this thing in. Tuesday come. Okay. He didn't call. Ah, shit. So I said, you know what, okay. He probably went and got some liquor. And he at the he in the house by himself. Now he's kicking it. He kicked it. He didn't, whatever he does.

SPEAKER_03:

Got that air on cool, because Easter is hot.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, in St. Louis, it's a little Oh, it is, okay. Yeah. So he um, so that was Tuesday. He didn't call. Wednesday, I forgot to call him. Okay. Thursday I called. A couple times Thursday. He didn't, he didn't respond, and I got caught up that day with my grandmother and some stuff, or whatever. Then I went to work that night. But Friday had come. Oh, Miss Tommy called me Friday morning while I was at work.

SPEAKER_03:

Miss Tommy. Everybody need a Miss Tommy.

SPEAKER_01:

Miss Tommy called me Friday morning. My grandmother had gotten up and went to the front porch and opened the door. She did, I don't know if she went out or not or whatever, but my door was open. So that's why Miss Tommy called and said, the door's open. What's going on? So it was like six something or whatever. So I was just about to get off at seven. So I come home or whatever. And then I get her, take care of her, get her down, get her stabled and stuff like that. Blah, blah, blah. The day got away from me. And later on that night, I was thinking about I ain't talking to my daddy. I didn't talk to my daddy. He told me you want me to show. Like, so am I gonna do this tomorrow Saturday? We're gonna make this a part of the Saturday tour with my grandma and the channel.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, we're gonna, right. I'm gonna have to go to the I'ma have to go to the mall and the grocery place.

SPEAKER_01:

So Friday night, about eight o'clock, I um leave my house and I go over to their house. And I drove past and I and I was got in front of the house and I see that the door is open, and I see that it's a lot of mail. Like, so we she had the screen door where there's a the screen door had the mail thing. So her real door was, I mean the real door was open. A jar. But yeah, a jar, but the green door was locked. But you could see all the mail. And honestly, I knew. I honestly I knew it. My heart sunk. Um now we talked about how I might be brave in some moments. In that moment, I was not brave. Um, I could not go in the house and see my dad. So I called my cousins.

SPEAKER_03:

I know that's right. Get y'all's raggedy ass over here. It's time for y'all to do it. Look, the straights, look.

SPEAKER_00:

Y'all talking about this is what the gays, the straights, come do it. That's some straight shit.

SPEAKER_03:

That's some straight shit. We party and eat and drink. Right. This dying shit, that's for y'all. Yeah. Come here. Come on. I would be gay if that's what it happened. Come on. Look, I'd rather be with the party and drink it. I don't want to be with the go-find that dead people.

SPEAKER_01:

Did they come? Yeah, he came. My cousin came. My cousin Corey came. And um he went in and he then my other cousin came and they went in and everything. I never did go in. I never did go in. And um, they came out together, and then they just hugged me, and they just start crying, they hugging, and I was like, she's like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, and all that, blah, blah, blah. And then I was like, okay, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, I stay here and deal with this, or whatever, because my grandmama still is at the at my house. So I gotta go back. By herself, I gotta go. So I went home, and then I guess after the ambulance had done whatever, whatever at the house, they both came over to my house and um we had a couple drinks. And then she was like, You gonna tell her? And I was like, it's no sense of telling her. I'm with you. Like, come on. Like, uh why? Yeah, why? So, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

She may she may have known that might have been why she got up and opened the door.

SPEAKER_01:

Maybe, maybe.

SPEAKER_03:

I don't know nothing about it, but I've heard people say that people can feel stuff, and that's her son.

SPEAKER_01:

And that was her, you know. Okay. Her favorite son. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

And well, yeah. And then, look, we don't know if he ain't stopped by the house before he went on upstairs.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03:

I'ma just put it like that. Absolutely. He might. He might have. Um, when your grandmother passed, did you know? All right, I'm about to get up out of St. Louis. That's it.

SPEAKER_01:

I know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I know. I love it. I know.

SPEAKER_03:

And you took care of yourself and you went on and got how long did it take you to leave?

SPEAKER_01:

A month. Six weeks.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, all right.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

And I'm pointing that out because uh I want to congratulate you on having the courage and the commitment to stick to what you originally said. Uh, as a care advocate and um in this caregiving community, we can have grand ideas of what we or will do the moment our loved one is no longer a human being. But then life happens and you're sad, or you're depressed, or the money don't look right, or people, other people in the family like, well, don't go here, I need you to do this. And before you know it, you look around, two, three, four years have came, have passed, and you haven't moved on to regain your life. Right, right. So I want to congratulate you for being so thoughtful, so intentional, and for choosing you. Like for a number of years, you were very clearly choosing your grandma. And then now she might have made you choose you. She might have got up there and told Jesus, like, listen here, I'm gonna need you to go there and make that boy get up out of St. Louis as fast as you can. So I hope in any of the look back and the reflection that you are able to say, not only did I take good care of her, when the time was appropriate, I turned that love inward and took care of me.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh. Yo, yo. Um I think I'm doing that now. Okay. I know that I'm doing that now. Um initially that that's not what happened. Okay. Um Initially, I knew I needed to, I knew that I could, I knew I was suffocating in St. Louis. Okay. So Atlanta has always I was educated here. I came to the age, age of here, here, so and it has always been vibrant and good for me, for my soul here. Always.

SPEAKER_04:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, but I knew I was getting it back here, but I was like, okay. Take your time and do it. Well, Janae, a lot of stuff, like my grandmother was the person that I was taking care of. But there was like there were eight deaths in my family then this year. My grandfather, my father started off them next with my grandmother, but then I had this cousin, which is the craziest stuff. She was a caregiver. She had moved, she was in New York. She had just come to St. Louis just to take her how mama and got sick. She asked me, she was an artist in New York. She asked me, um, she she never did make it like kind of big, but at the end of her life, she started getting all of this, these inquiries, the Met, the Studio Museum of Harlem, all these stuff. And they started to wanted to come, they came into the house, getting the artwork. So she asked me to help to catalog her work.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

I promised her that I would. I promised her I would. I promised her I would.

SPEAKER_03:

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01:

I moved to Atlanta and I started getting my life together. Okay. July 3rd, she died.

SPEAKER_03:

Ah.

SPEAKER_01:

I now. So we got April 5th. I'm sorry, April 10th, my dad. April 15th, my grandmother.

SPEAKER_03:

Tax date. That's it. Tax day.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. And then July 3rd, this cousin Sandra. Okay. And in between that, I moved to Atlanta. So I'm starting up trying to get myself. So after that, I got scared. I just started going to work. Just got me a couple jobs, and I just started working, working, working, working, working, working, working.

SPEAKER_03:

That was your coping.

SPEAKER_01:

That was my coping thing.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm like in that way, it's a distraction. Yeah, and you don't have to think about something. I got something to do, I got somewhere to be. Yeah. And they ain't not gonna ask me about anybody in my family. I I have I witnessed that and I also live that. That's how I ultimately got into comedy, which is crazy enough.

SPEAKER_01:

Really?

SPEAKER_03:

I I said, I know I need to do something to stop um thinking and dwelling on my reality. Let me go somewhere when don't nobody know me. They ain't gonna ask about my mom, they ain't gonna ask about my daddy, they're gonna ask how I'm doing. They don't know. Right. I ain't gonna tell them. I can just show up and do my thing and then go home and then show back up. And so I fully understand what it is you're saying. Uh, this has been an amazing conversation with you.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you, Janae.

SPEAKER_03:

I really mean that.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, this is it. Well, you know what? I I'm so honored and thankful to be able to do this with you because I've watched this before with my grandmother as well. And yeah, yes, like I've been following. So I I've known you, but then I kind of did know you, but I was still following you. I was still following you. So um is it full circle?

SPEAKER_03:

Absolutely. And I'm gonna say how we met, which is one of my dearest friends, one of my Neos, Howard Delta, I'm her dean. Yes, grew up with you. Yes, Camille Young.

SPEAKER_01:

Camille Young.

SPEAKER_03:

And so my dad wrote uh his autobiography and went on a book tour. He had a uh book signing in Brooklyn.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

You happened to be in New York at the time. In New York, visiting Camille. You came, met my dad, we hung out, we kicked it, New York style. Yes. Okay, and then you ended up also being really, really close with one of my line sisters. So it has been really crazy to see how we we have just been kind of merging and meeting and merging and meeting, and then we both find out we are knee deep in this caregiving thing, and how can we get through it? I've always been so taken with your vibrancy. Oh, thanks. Okay, with the amount of um laughter and the quick wit that you have and that you spread. The world needs more of it. And so I was so grateful that you agreed to be uh on the podcast because to a point that you made a little earlier, a lot of men don't want to talk about it. If they have the stamina to actually become a caregiver, that's already rare. Yes. And now you want me to talk out loud about it. About it, yes. No, I'm not. Ain't nobody doing all that. And so I'm grateful to you. I this will encourage countless men to be more vocal about this. I'm hoping so. Yeah, that's right. Get it up. Y'all, for anybody who can't see he is wisping mosquitoes from around, that's what you do, right?

SPEAKER_02:

We don't protect the baby. Protect the baby. I love it.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, so before we get out of here, is there one thing you can think of that you would share with the new keg? I call them the newbies, right? And my term is a snuggle up. What I consider a snuggle up is that thing that you might not really want to do it, but you know if you just go on and swaddle up, snuggle up to it, life is gonna be better, it's gonna feel comfortable later, you're gonna need that thing. Is there something that you can share as a personal snuggle up to tell new caregivers, hey, if you do this or if you consider this, your caregiving journey might be a little easier, it might go a little smooth.

SPEAKER_01:

I think that think about all of the assistance that you can employ and kind of write yourself a list and you know, your your uh be very mindful about your uh support group. Okay. And um, and and every now and again have a go hang out. Go hang out. It's okay. Yeah, it's okay. It's more than okay, it's needed. It's needed.

SPEAKER_03:

I love it. This was needed.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Thank you for buttoning that up so good, baby. This thing was good. We are shoulder shoulder.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Everybody that's listening.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you for the work that you do. Like, Janae, I think that, you know, um I love the podcast, I love the community that you work with, I love the demographic, and I love the seriousness of what you talk about and what our experiences are. This stuff is, this is not for the faint of heart. It's not for the faint of heart. So then just to know that there's some other people out there that's going through the same kind of things that you are going through and gotta make these appointments, gotta make the food, gotta clean the bed, gotta wash the clothes because some we have some accidents and laughing. Yes. You know, so all of the stuff, um, and some kind of way you make it feel like it's not so you'll be okay. I know it's overwhelming, but you'll be fine.

SPEAKER_03:

You can get through this. Yeah, the rest of us did. Or are? R.

SPEAKER_01:

So, like, so yeah, I am grateful to you for that.

SPEAKER_03:

Absolutely, baby.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, we'll have you back sometime soon. Please. Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

All right. Thanks, Janae.

SPEAKER_03:

The snuggle up. Y'all getting one day, one big, fat, juicy, concise one. It doesn't matter how much you plan, how much education, how many contacts, how much money, how much desire or drive that you have, when somebody you love is in need, your heart is gonna bubble up. And if you were like our guest today, intuition tells you you don't have a choice. So why fight it? That's a big deal to me. If more of us could lean into where life and the universe gives us a pivot, you may not have planned it, but it is better for you. Jet let us know today that he feels better because of the way he cared for his grandmother. What was extremely touching to me is not once did he say what I didn't get to do, what I turned away from, what I had to sacrifice. He only talked about how much she poured into him. So it was only right that he do it back for her. So it didn't matter that he had been in LA and New York and doing all this stuff in politics and entertainment. In the end, when grandmama needed him, that's where he was. And when she went on to no longer be human, he picked back up wherever life needed him to be. So that's it, people. If we could stress a little less, just look forward to whatever's next. Don't worry about 10 years from now. Who the hell knows where any of us is? Thank you for tuning in. I mean, really, really, really thank you so very much for tuning in. Whether you're watching this on YouTube or if you're listening on your favorite podcast audio platform. Either way, wherever you are, subscribe. Come back. That's the way you're gonna know who we do stuff next. Y'all know how it is. I'm Jake Smiles, I might just drop stuff hot in the middle of the night.