Dementia Dilemma: Push Through, or Delay the Hairdo?!

What does perseverance look like when words are gone and the day goes sideways? We set out to honor a promise—no gray roots, ever—and walked straight into a masterclass on safety, dignity, and the tiny choices that keep identity alive. A new caregiver, a wardrobe wobble, and then the moment every caregiver dreads: knees buckling on a ramp and a slow fall to the ground. No injuries, just a spike of adrenaline and the question that lives in the gut—do we abort, or do we push through?

I take you beat by beat through the real dilemma: when to use the walker versus the wheelchair and how a gait belt and a one‑rep deadlift salvaged the transfer. We get transparent about the doubt and we also get honest about the grace that kept us moving. A stylist waited, cleared the room, and turned a noisy salon into a quiet sanctuary. Shampoo, color, cut, and something rarer: the look on my mom’s face when she recognized herself again in the mirror. That smile said we chose right.

Caregiving spares no one, but we always persevere.  If you’re navigating Alzheimer’s, mobility challenges, or just the daily logistics of being a caregiver, you’ll leave with practical takeaways on the kind of patience that keeps everyone safer and well groomed.

If this story made you feel seen, subscribe, share it with your village, and leave a review so other caregivers can find us. Tell me your small win this week—I’m cheering for every single one.

Executive Producer/Host: J Smiles Comedy

Producer: Mia Hall

Editor: Annelise Udoye 

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome, Mission, And Shout‑Outs
• 2:40 The Promise About Gray Roots
• 4:45 Dressing Dilemmas And Deadweight
• 7:30 The Ramp Fall And Triage
• 10:40 Decision Time: Abort Or Push On
• 13:20 Car Transfer Chaos And A Helpful Distraction
• 16:30 A Quiet Salon And Gentle Care
• 19:10 Fresh Cut, Fresh Smile, Fresh Confidence
• 21:00 Treats, Relief, And Comic Debrief
• 22:00 Subscribe, Support, And Closing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Zaddy gotta leave the house. We trying to get our hair done. And what all you think could maybe go not right. I don't want to say wrong, but it definitely the hell wasn't going right. So all right, come on. Listen. You know it's about to be some shit. Parenting up caregiving adventures with comedian J Two. It's the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama. For over a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her, and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone who stays.

SPEAKER_01: 0:47

Caregiver newly, OG, and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver. You are in the right place. Hi, this is very. I hope you enjoy my daughter. Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 1:10

Today's supporter shout-out comes from YouTube. Enthusiastic Jasmine hyphen L U1VX. Now, what I said was I don't know anybody that wants to be a caregiver for their panels. Jasmine said, You're an asshole, Jason. Okay, no, she doesn't care for it. I will tell y'all what she really said. How can you say that? I don't want to see them crashing out. I will take care of them, your parent when they reach to the point where they can't, and then I will be there for them. I know that's why, Jasmine. First of all, enthusiastic jasmine, kudos to you for telling me you ain't damn agree with my point. And now I'm gonna say you ain't you missed my point. I don't know exactly how I phrase it or what gave you that inference, but let me share with you and everyone else my perspective was there none, I don't know anybody who wants their parent to need a caregiver. So we don't want our parent to have a disability or a disease or cognitive decline, or all of a sudden they can't walk or they can't talk. We would like them to live to a ripe old age in full health and just fall asleep and don't wake up one day, but they were living independently. That's what I meant, Jasmine. So now holla at your girl if you like heifer. You still said it wrong. Now, if you would like to receive a supporter shout-out, please leave a review on YouTube, Apple, or Instagram. We're parenting up everywhere. If you want to be a recipient of a supporter shout-out, leave a review on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, and Instagram. We're parenting up everywhere. This episode is sponsored by Cafe Bartique. Angela and her team are fantastic. That's right. You heard me say a woman's name and she's a black woman. Now, if you happen to be a white man and want to sponsor it, holler at your girl. But right now, today, I'm giving all the love to Cafe Bartique. It is full of lattes, libations, and laughs. Try to get here if you get anywhere near Atlanta. What's up, parents and other family? It's your girl Day Smiles, and we're about to tell a story. I mean, I'ma tell the story and you're gonna listen and or watch. Imagine this. Zettie has 20 inches of hair, but four inches of grayness, sure, from her roots. And she made me swear to her that if she ever got old and needed care, that I would never let her brain wet show. So, what am I supposed to do? Now that walking is hard, getting her out the bed is hard. Now we had, it's sad to even say, we had a hairstylist that would come to the house. She herself has got it, she had two strokes, so she was no longer able to come to the house. So we now Zaddy has to leave the house. So I need y'all to just get in this space of Zaddy gotta leave the house. We trying to get our hair done. And what all you think it could maybe go not right. I don't want to stay wrong, but it definitely the hell wasn't going right. So all right, come on, listen. You know it's about to be some shit. Okay, fam. All right. The good thing was the appointment wasn't until 3 p.m. And the weather was nice. Zaddy's caregiver is the newest member of the team, and this was her first time she was gonna be leaving the house with me and Zaddy going to an appointment. I need y'all to understand the level of tension and anxiety that was in the room because she didn't really know what clothes to put on Zaddy. Y'all, I walked in the room. She had Zettie on her inside house clothes. Now, it wasn't pajamas. I was like, I know so damn well you don't have my mama on what looked like she watching TV clothes. But she did. But maybe to stay calm, and I did. So I went and found Zaddy a nice little leisure suit with some matching sneakers and her Gucci shades. Now she can't see shit, but I at least wore the lack of sun coming in her eyes. So I lay all of that out. We get Zeddy dressed. Now I don't know why, but that day Zeddy decided she didn't really want to cooperate. Now, this is what's tricky about Zeddy not cooperate. It's not like she fusses or frowns or hits she. She just becomes dead weight. You know when Zeddy don't want to do something because it's like you go to raise up her hand, and that's what I'm doing. Like you raise her right elbow and you're trying to put it inside the shirt, and she just lets it flop back down like deadweight. Like, Zeddy, come on. Help me felt he. First of all, I don't have gray hair for me. Alrighty. I do have gray hair, but ain't nobody see it. I already got my stuff colored. Girl, I'm trying to help you do something. So how about you put your arm in this damn shirt? She ain't one of those. So much so I had to turn her music off. Now we're getting close to maybe being late. Now we are in Atlanta. You can't be late for hairstyles in Atlanta. Even though they might be late, they might be behind. And but you can't be late. Otherwise, they grit on you, and you might even be charged some kind of demerit fee. So I'm rushing, I'm trying to get Zaddy. So, okay, so Zaddy's dressed. Uh we're walking out, and I think, huh? Should I get her walker? Should I get her wheelchair? Now I'm holding Zaddy's hands, and she is walking very gingerly, but she is coming with me. You know what I mean? She is mooding with me, and we making our way out of her bed. I thought. Well, it's two of us. It's me and the caregiver. We probably don't need any other walking assisted devices. Cool, no problem. We get out the house. We are walking to the car, going down the ramp in the garage. This is what I hear. Zach. Oh Lord. I stop and look. My mama is sinking down and her knees are buckling like she's in quicksand. The caregiver reaches out to try to stop us. The caregiver ain't big and smack. And I thought, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you back up. Because what we don't have at J Smiles Comedy Productions is HR or workman comp. Ain't no HR, ain't no workman comp. Like you come in, what I'm gonna do sometimes is get you some warm milk and cookies. Okay, I might take you out the red lobster, but if you get injured, that's on you. I backed her up. Then I'm trying to catch Zaddy. Me and Zaddy both end up on the fly. Now it was a slowfall, of which I'm very grateful for. She didn't break nothing. I didn't break anything. Now we're sitting on the ramp. Have you ever tried to get somebody with dementia to stand up on an incline? Don't don't try. Don't try. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. So I'm standing there. I get Zetty and I prop her torso up against my knees so that she won't slouch all the way down and slide down the ramp. Zettie decides she wants to pull her pants leg up over her knees. For what, huh? You on the floor. The last thing I need now is for an ant or a nail or something to cut you or bite you that's in the damn ramp. Why are you pulling your clothes off? What you doing? She's not talking, but she's fidgeting. I'm like, oh shit. What are we on do? I look down, we are officially late. We officially late, fam. We later, we left the house. So I got a decision with me. Do we try to go or do we abort? We're on our way to get Zeddy's hair shampooed and colored. We were walking down the ramp and both her legs just buckled. And she started um sinking to the floor.

SPEAKER_01: 10:48

What I did was in trying not to make her more scared, I just let her go to the floor. Now we're about to get the wheelchair and see if we can still make this appointment.

SPEAKER_00: 11:06

You see this photo? Y'all see us down there on the ground. I'm looking at Zetti and I'm like, hey, mama, you think we should go? She can't answer. I'm really talking to myself. I text the hairstylist, I tell her what happened. Zetti fail. I'm trying to decide if she can still come. Because let me tell y'all one thing. If I'm in town, Zettie has the appointment, an afternoon appointment, and we actually got her fed, medicated, dressed, and outside the house. Now we still on the property. I'm like, shit, we are 75, okay, 72% of the way there, we roll in with this. I send the caregiver back into the house to do what? Right. Get the wheelchair and the stupid walker that I probably should have had in the first place. She praised that down with the uh the gate belt that you that you could put around their waist, and it looks like uh you can strangle somebody with it. Yeah, it's a really thick belt. So I put that around Zaddy's waist and I goose lift Zettie from the back up under her arms and under her groups, and I just say, Lord help me, I gotta do a one, two, three deadlift. And I'm thinking, I got one time, because then my bagging legs ain't gonna work. So I squat down, I'm behind Zedi, I put my knees in her buttocks, and I scooch and I say, Okay, mama, let's get up. And then what I say, one, two, three, go. Don't y'all know that Zettie like finger her well, she's treating her toes like fingers, and she backs her toes up up under her damn body, so that her toes go up under her knees. She's kind of in a squat. And I say, Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry. Push the chair up under both of us. Oh now. Me and Zed is sitting on me, and I'm sitting in the wheelchair. I am sure that wheelchair was not designed to hold both of us, but it was better than that. Now, hilarious is me scrunching, semi-tootsie rolling, semi-snaking, semi-second lining, semi-soul training to get my foot out, the ease out the wheelchair. So I like I throw my right leg over the right handle of the wheelchair, and I'm trying to scooch without Zeddy falling out. Okay. So Zeddy's body starts to kind of lean down like it's about to slide out the chair like a sleaky or like going down a sliding water or a water slide. I yelled at the caregiver. It wasn't kind. I did yell. I yelled fast and out, and it wasn't, it wasn't in my soft voice. It wasn't the outside voice, it wasn't a carry voice.

SPEAKER_01: 14:12

It was like, I can't pick her ass up again.

SPEAKER_00: 14:17

Huh. That's what I said. Anyway, we got through that. I'm wheeling Zaddy down to the car. Guess what the girl Zaddy says? What is your fume from, baby girl? Ay, ay, aye. I hear in the car. We drive. I'm like, all right, we're on the way. I need a drink just from that. Because also in my head, I'm thinking, am I making the right decision by even continuing to go? Because I don't know. Did she hurt herself? Did she? I mean, like, it could be a delayed reaction. Maybe her ankles gonna swell up. Maybe her knees are gonna swell up. And I was like, shh. The hairstylist says she ain't gonna charge me with they feet, and we can come on. She's waiting on us. Y'all we get there and she's gonna want to get out of the car. Now she's not mad, she's just sitting there kind of like, I don't know what you're trying to do. So I'm trying to scooch her legs and turn her legs around toward the ground so they can get out of the car, like over the footbell of the car. And she just ain't moving, she ain't moving and she ain't talking. And so I'm like, oh Lord, she's hurt, or she's disoriented. Guess what? A man walked by, and this heifer watches the man walk by, and as she's watching him walk by, it makes her head turn to the right, which is where the door is open. So she turns to the right watching this man, and that's how her body and her torso turns to the right where the door is open. Mama, I thought you failed, and maybe you were a little bit, you know, stymied or hurt, frustrated. First of all, how do you know that's a man? And how come you ain't just turned where you heard my voice? Anyway, I'm just telling you what happened. He gets it out of the car, get in the wheelchair, take her into the salon, it was magical. Why was it magical, Jay? Do you know not one other client was in the salon when we arrived? That has never happened before. I think the caregiver universe gods were like, hey, they've been through enough. We don't need anybody else talking. The stylist turned the music off. It was almost like having spa hair services. Quiet and them lights. I didn't talk, the caregiver didn't talk. We was just watching Zetty get her hair washed. She got a hair shampoo, she got all that gray washed out. Now, then the owner, it's a couple that owns it. A man, uh a married couple, man and woman, I think. Why? Yeah, y'all, how come with the man owner comes in to do something uh with uh their prep for the next day? Why is that he started smiling and gibberish talking? And she ain't said nothing to the three of us the whole time. I don't get it. But y'all, look at my mom. Look at how she's smiling, look at the care that this particular uh salon was giving her. The therapist, it's not a therapist, the stylist's name is Jen Jim. J-E-M. She's with Sidetti Chick in Atlanta at Capal's salon. And when I tell you, she took care of my mama and made that thing work. Zeddy got about six inches cut off her hair. She got some layers in there. Look at how she's holding her hedge. Look at how she's smiking. My mama looked in the mirror at herself and smiled like, ooh, I know her. Maybe maybe I know her. She wasn't talking. The only gibberish she made was to that man who walked by. But for me to see the look in her eye and she started smiling, I'm like, hell yeah. Jay, you made the right call. Sometimes y'all boy don't make the right call. We leave, get in the car, I try to hold Zay's hand. She starts looking a little pensive. So I decide right then and there she gets a treat. She don't even know if she's about to get a treat. She doesn't even know how proud I am of her that she toughed it out. She didn't give up. She kept walking in and around at the salon, like we had to go from the shampoo to sit in the chair to get your color put in to dryer to the styling chair. And she hung in there with me. You know what I'm saying? She really hung in there with me. So I'd say she was gonna get a smoothie and a chocolate chip cookie on the way. I am sure that didn't do anything for the dementia or for her digestive train. But sometimes, I don't give a shit. I think she's had a hard enough day. I know I damn had a hard enough day. So is Zettie gonna get the smoothie and chocolate chip cookie? And then when I got home, I did get a little of that 1730. Yeah. Uh it's unreal. We made it by to have our chitty chitty chit. The snuggler. We ain't gonna share but one today. Number one, number only. Zaddy is so much stronger than I think I give her credit for. Physically, she may be, you know, frail and a lot more fragile. She doesn't have the stamina that she once had. But that damn lady still has power. I I don't really know this, but I believe that when she saw and felt me putting forth so much energy to get her to stand up, and when she saw me trying to lead her to the car and lead her into the salon, it's like, all right, if they win it, I with it. But she just fought. Let me tell you something. If I fall flat on my ass and a little bit bump my head, I ain't tell y'all apart because I didn't want nobody to marry me. And a little bit bump my head. I'm not going to the head salon. I am calling the salon and say, you I mean, you can or you can't charge even a little fee, but I'm not coming because I'm not well. I'm jarred. I'm scared. Plymouth rock did landing on me. But I didn't give Zetty that option. But she couldn't ask for that option. But when I tell you, baby girl rolled with it. So yeah, my bag, Zeddy. I'ma stop selling you short, baby girl. Thank you for tuning in. I mean, really, really, really thank you so very much for tuning in. Whether you're watching this on YouTube or if you're listening on your favorite podcast audio platform. Either way, wherever you are, subscribe. Come back. That's the way you're gonna know when we do something next. Y'all know how it is. I'm Jay Smiles. I might just drop something hot in the middle of the night.