Let’s Talk Caregiving: The Questions Everyone Has

Caregiving comes with a stack of questions that rarely fit into neat answers—and that’s exactly where we go in this episode. 

We open up about the moments no one posts: the dark days, the quick resets that actually help, and the honest boundary decisions when history with a parent or partner is painful. If you’ve ever wondered how to stay steady, how to stop resenting the wrong things, or how anyone “does it all,” you’re in the right place.

I share the mindset tools that keep me functional—gratitude micro-resets, contrast memories that remind me we’ve made progress, and the simple practice of wearing one hat at a time. We talk about caring for someone you don’t love and how shifting roles, sharing duties, or bringing in professional help can be an act of integrity, not abandonment. We also tackle the hot-button topic of resentment: why it belongs with broken systems and scarce resources, not with a person living with dementia who didn’t choose this path.

If you’re a family caregiver, a professional, or a friend trying to show up better, this conversation blends real talk with usable strategies. Subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and send us your caregiving questions. Your question may shape our next deep dive.

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Stage: Caregiver Q&A
• 0:59 Show Intro And Community Shoutout
• 2:52 Five Years Of Themes In Questions
• 3:50 Staying Pleasant Amid Dark Days
• 6:12 Caring For Someone You Don’t Love
• 9:00 Resentment And Blame In Illness
• 10:43 How I “Do It All”
• 12:20 The Host’s Three Big Questions
• 16:22 Ongoing Questions And Reassurance
• 18:37 Thanks, Subscribe, And Stay Connected

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

There are people who are caring for a career that is not a loved one. You hear me all the time refer to Zeddy as my L-O. But shit, if you don't like or love who you caring for, they not an L-O, they're just a Carrie. How do you do it all? Honestly, parenting up family, I decided to throw back what y'all have been throwing at me after five years and six seasons. There are countless questions that come to me from the caregiver community. But you know what? There's some themes. So this episode right here, this one right here, we're going to go over some of the big themes of questions that I've been asked over and over again. And I'm gonna give the best as I got. So let's listen. Parenting up Caregiving Adventures with comedian Jay Smiles. It's the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama. For over a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her, and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat.

SPEAKER_00: 1:24

That's why I thought don't be ready for the jokes.

SPEAKER_01: 1:28

Caregiver newbies, OGs, and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver. You are in the right place. Hi, this is Betty. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast. Okay. Today's supporters shout out comes from our Tex community. And the name of the community is what? In community. I didn't make that up. It sounds really silly, but that's actually the company's name. It comes from Regina Davis. Yay! Three exclamation points. Send pictures. Ah, so cute. This was in response to the Alzheimer's walk in Atlanta, Georgia, where Parenting Up Community was a media sponsor. So we put up some clips, we sent some special stuff to the Tex community, and she wanted more. Thank you, Regina. If you want to receive a supporter shout out, leave a review on YouTube, Apple Podcast, Instagram, or in our text community. I have been a full-time caregiver since the summer of 2012. That's a long freaking time. And a lot has happened. I've met a lot of caregivers, I've read about caregivers. I listened to other people's podcasts, their movies. I mean, Alzheimer's and dementia is starting to get a little sexy. We haven't quite, we haven't quite caught up with HIV AIDS and cancer, but we're gaining on them. You feel what I'm saying? We yeah, I know. Y'all know I'm a comedian. But their people who were fundraising and caring for them kind of made it on trend in vogue and fashionable to support HIV AIDS, awareness, and cancer. So don't hate me because I figured out something intelligent. All right, anyway, the questions. A question that I get all the time that actually confuses me is Jay Smiles, how do you stay so pleasant? Real talk, y'all. I don't view myself as pleasant. I mean, I also don't view myself as mad. I'm just caring for my mom. Now, I believe what people mean is how come you can stay not angry or frustrated or pissed off? Eh, fair enough. Good question. First, I don't post when I'm in a bad mood. Who the hell needs to see more of me in a bad mood? The world is full of bad moods every day, all the time. Trust and believe, just because you haven't seen it on an episode or on social media or got it in a text from me, it doesn't mean I always have pleasant days. I have tons of dark days. Tons of dark days, dark moments, frustrated, snippy, pissed. Not necessarily with my mom, pissed with life, pissed with the hand I was dealt at times. I don't stay there long because I committed to being my mom's caregiver. So I usually have something in my head that I use as a trigger. I will say something I'm very grateful for, and I will think about and remember when caregiving was harder for me than it is now. When I first started, I didn't have as many answers. I didn't have as much support, help in terms of other caregivers. And you know what else? I also did not have Zeddy's men together. So usually if I feel myself in a dark space, what I will do is quickly try to think about two or three things I'm grateful for. Don't have nothing to do with Zettie. It might be that the sun came out today, or that I got a really good nap, or I watched a good movie. And that'll just let me take my mind off of my current situation. The next question that is a theme that really pulls at my heart. Jay smiles. What if you don't like, damn sure don't love the person you're caring for? And if it's your parent or grandparent or spouse or sibling and you don't like them, you don't love them because they were ugly to you. You know what I mean? It's a lot of bad blood, y'all mad, but now they need your help. Jay Smiles, what do you do? First thing is, I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist or a medical professional. But the question is serious enough and it comes up enough that I wanted to bring it up just to let you all know that this thing is a theme and it's out there and we need to address it. The fact that there are people who are caring for a career that is not a loved one. You hear me all the time refer to Zeddy as my L-O. But shit, if you don't like or love who you're caring for, they're not an L-O, they're just a career. And that's cool. What I think about it, based on just what I've observed, is take care of you first emotionally and psychologically. Like, if it's too hard and it is taking you to a dark space like all the damn time, then maybe you should not be the primary caregiver. Don't let obligation and some sense of guilt or like, look, I'm Catholic, so I know about the Catholic guilt, Christian guilt, Jewish guilt. Like everybody seems to have guilt right now, but MAGA, but I probably wasn't supposed to say that, but anyway, I already said it. And just watch, you know, there's no straight answer for what to do when the person that you're caring for, you don't love or like them. I don't think there's no one answer, but check in with yourself and make sure that you're not losing who you are, right? Because, like, if every time you look at this person, you remember what happened 20 years ago, and now you end up with diarrhea or migraines, it's not working. So you have to come up with something else. Somebody else in the family, maybe they have to go to a facility, but figure it out. What you should not do is sacrifice yourself further than you could rebound when that person is no longer on earth. That's what Jay Smiles thinks. Okay. Jay, do you ever get resentful? The answer is yes. But I don't resent Zetty. Now they never asked me, do you resent Zeti? Do you resent what happened? So I don't really know exactly what part of resentment is the question. But what I can tell you is that I don't resent Zetty because she doesn't want to have the disease either. She did not knowingly contribute to this disease. Now I'm about to go too far for some of y'all, but I've heard people say this, like, oh man, you know, I got this person I'm close to, and they got diabetes, but they keep eating sugar. So I'm sick of them. Or, you know, they um keep relapsing on alcohol or drugs. Okay, but I'm not voting on any of that, but I have seen and heard where people seem to take a real stance, a hard line on if the person who's now sick knowingly contributed to what's going wrong. Well, Zaddy didn't. So I'm just wired in a way that if it ain't your fault, I'm not holding it against you. And it just so happened that she's my mama, but if she wasn't my mama, I still feel that that's why I don't have resentment towards her. She ain't fucking do it. Okay. Last question. Well, the last question that I'm sharing right now in this episode. Jay, how do you do it all? Caring for Zettie, maintaining the house, her doctor's appointments, being a stand-up comedian, having the podcast, traveling, keeping what looks on social media to be a full life with friends and a good time. How do you do it all? Honestly, I don't think about everything I just named simultaneously. It would be overwhelming. I only wear one hat at a time. When I'm being my mom's caregiver, that's it. When me and my team are putting together a podcast episode, that's it. And they would laugh and tell you, like, yeah, once Jay gets in talent mode, she don't even know where her purse is. She can't find a lipstick, she don't know what day it is. I forget the topic that I'm supposed to say. Because I've gotten into now I'm the podcast host. Same thing with my mom and caregiving. If I'm Zeddy's caregiver, don't they like Jay, can you send me a link to the podcast? What podcast? When I tell you my brain, my brain goes blank. I'm like, who podcast? What podcast? Oh, my podcast? Child, please, hold on. So really how I get through doing it all, as I've been asked, is I'm doing one thing at a time, even though all the other pots might be on a low simmer. Okay, I talked about the questions that you all have given me over the years. Let me tell you something. I got questions too. I have a bunch of questions, but I narrowed it down to a couple three. And a couple three always really means three. So if you're not from the deep south in the United States, a couple three always means three. And don't ask me why we say a couple in the beginning. I don't have anything to do with that. I learned this from my elders. Here are the questions I have. Why don't more people care about caregivers? And I mean that with my whole chest. Whether the caregiver is hired, you know, professional, definitely they're a family caregiver, and whether the career has cancer or um, you know, renal failure or Parkinson's, does it matter what the disease is? The point is, this independent human now needs tremendous assistance from another adult in order to thrive. And why don't people care about the freaking caregiver? I don't have an answer. These are questions that I have that piss me off. I'm only talking about questions that kind of irritate me because I don't have the answer. My next question: why are there no consumer products made for people with dementia? You know what I mean? Like where the product was designed for somebody who has cognitive decline. It's a whole bunch of stuff for the elderly, for people with vision impairment or hearing impairment. What about the thinking impaired? My mama just don't think clearly no more. So I can't even buy the little things. Oh, help me, I fall and I can't get up, that damn thing. Because you got to have enough brain about you to press the button to say, oh shit, I failed. And I need somebody to come get me. Where are the products? I don't care if it's a toothbrush, if it's a scale, if it's a chair, a cell phone that actually works for people whose brain is operating in reverse. Reverse, reverse, crisscross. All right. Here's the most pressing question I have. Am I going to get Alzheimer's? I know nobody can answer it, but that is the one that worries the shit out of me. Am I gonna get it? Am I predestined for it? Like in my DNA or something? Is my lifestyle as a caregiver causing too much stress and too many sleepless nights? Am I gonna get this fucking disease? Mm. But it works the shit out of me. All right. So listen. I just shared some stuff. I never talked about questions I have. And a few of the questions that you all have given me throughout this podcast community. But I bet you got more questions now. So that's what we want you to send us. Get at us in the DMs on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and you can text us. Our text community is 404-737-1449. It's free. When you sign up, it will give you a prompt. You fill out everything, and then I'll know what information you want. But what I want from you is for you to send me questions that you have about being a caregiver or questions you have about dementia-related diseases. I feel that there are likely new themes and trends that we need to get into as a community. You know what I'm saying? Y'all know what I'm saying. The snuggle up. Today is concise and it's one. There will always be questions. So relax. Breathe. Do not freak out, pairing up community, if you don't know what you're doing. If it looks like everybody else has this caregiving thing figured out. Or maybe the person they're caring for seems to be thriving and gaining muscle mass and smiling and shit every time you see them. Who knows what all is going on with that stuff? The point is, we're gonna always have questions. As you go about this journey of being a caregiver, you're gonna figure things out. And as you figure that out, something new will reveal itself. At a minimum, the person you're caring for is gonna change. Their needs will change. Their deficiencies will change. And you know who else is gonna change?

SPEAKER_00: 17:54

Your ass.

SPEAKER_01: 17:55

You're gonna change what you, maybe what you can mentally do, what you can physically do. What if you get older and then you're in a car rack and now your back is broke for six months, now you gotta figure out how to be a caregiver and you're not as healthy. So try not to stress so much about when you have more questions than answers. Be grateful that you got any answers at all. Thank you for tuning in. I mean, really, really, really thank you so very much for tuning in. Whether you're watching this on YouTube or if you're listening on your favorite podcast audio platform. Either way, wherever you are, subscribe. Come back. That's the way you're gonna know when we do something next. Y'all know how it is. I'm Jay Smiles. I might just drop something hot in the middle of the night.